Preparing for the journey

My name is Mike. I am a 39 year old male, well educated (BS in Economics, JD, MBA), athletic (have run 6 marathons, 1 ultra marathon, many half-marathons and triathlons, completed distance swims of up to 20 miles), and I have suffered from diagnosed bi-polar disorder for 5+ years. In that time, I have lost the ability to practice law. I currently work in a job well below my qualifications. I no longer run or train physically. I have isolated myself from my family and community. I have been on the full spectrum of mood stabilizers and anti-depressants, not to mention Ritalin. All with little or no noticable improvement in condition. I have spent the last 5 years continuously unhappy, depressed (morbidly at times) or chemically lifted from depression in an extremely anxious state. I have been hospitalized twice, and had a shotgun in my hands once with intent to end my life. I have a family and kids. I'm a fighter, a competitor. I seek pain to conquer in my athletic pursuits. Yet the pain from this illness has been so extreme that I have been convinced (by myself) that ending my life was better for everyone around me. I am still not convinced that suicide isn't the best answer.

11 months ago, after my first hospital stay and a major meds change, I consulted a psychiatrist specializing in ECT (electro-convulsive therapy). As I said, I'm educated, as is my wife. We've done the research, we've talked to people who have travelled the ECT road. Some have bad stories to tell. Most of them had bad stories to tell before ECT. Most people I have encountered, however, have storties of life-altering benefit. I decided, with aid of my best advocate (wife), that the next time I was in a gravely depressed condition, ECT was the course of action. I made this decision in a relatively "good" state of mind (remember, "good" is relative to the last five years, not to the average person's definition). My reasoning is as follows: There are only so many times that I am going to successfully crawl into the dark hole I know as "depression", and be able to crawl back out with my life. Each trip into the hole is worse, and puts me closer to suicide. Bottom line: A memory damaged, drooling and unintelligent, but un-depressed, father for my kids is better than the mental images I would leave of my brains blown out all over the back yard. Who can argue with that?

In two days, after a short hospital stay last week, insurance fights, 2nd and 3rd recommendations, and an ever-declining mood, I start ECT. I know its the right choice. I know there are risks, and I have MADE MYSELF aware of what those risks are. I have balanced the risks with the rewards. Stigma, early years of ECT use without any science behind it, horror stories (although everyone seems to cite the same handful from 70 years of history), protest groups, and people who would ban ECT from use (people, by the way, who would limit my freedom of choice regarding treatment for MY illness) be damned.

This blog will chronicle my days as I move through treatment. I will attempt to write daily, and to link other blogs and articles dealing with the ECT topic (from the profoundly uninformed, anicdotal and outdated (http://www.psychiatry.info/electro-shock-therapy/electro-shock-therapy-caused-brain-damage-psychiatrist-ordered-to-pay-635000-in-damages/), to the informed, research related, and scientific.) Eyes wide open, and with full expectation of a drastic turnaround toward my former self, here we go....

e-mail me at ectjourney@yahoo.com (I may not remember to respond, but give it a shot anyway...I'll do my best.)