Crash and burn

My mood this evening went from pretty good (albeit foggy) to absolutely miserable in less than an hour. After 5:00, everything in my world was an irritant. I felt horrible about myself and what I put my family through and the pain I cause them by being the way I am. My son, who is also mentally ill, is really bad for me when I’m not well. He's spontaneously obsessive and it drives me nuts. I got upset and yelled at him over nothing, and that just made everything in my head worse. The negativity and self-loathing in my head is unrelenting. This is one of those times when I want, really want, to not live. One of those times when all I wanted to do was cry, and it took forever to get the first tear to come. But then they came in buckets. I think the excitement of ECT has worn off, I ache, I’m not feeling any benefits yet, and I’m still the same old miserable me. I hurt inside and out, and I’m tired of inflicting this pain on those around me.