Miserable night, more miserable morning

Miserable night, more miserable morning. I was pretty down last night, mostly about a Xmas party Melissa went to (without me). I was invited, of course, and she would have loved for me to go, but just didn’t want to/couldn’t go. Not terribly sad at the time. I’m getting worried that ECT isn’t working, and what that means for the future. Took 1mg alprazolam, which didn’t seem to touch the depression.

This morning, I woke up sad, which is very unusually. I almost always wake up pretty neutral. I just laid in bed and cried. I really didn’t want my family to know how I was feeling. They are all trying so hard for me, and I feel like I’m letting them down. Everywhere I look and everything I see rubs in my face that it’s the holiday season and that people are happy and enjoying each other, and that I’m being cheated out of another year of those feelings and those good times with my family and friends. I find myself thinking that I just want to enjoy one more Christmas with my kids before they are too old to appreciate it.

Very discouraged and afraid. Meds don’t seem to work, and if ECT doesn’t, then what? I’m going to ask the doc to move to bilateral ECT tomorrow and see if that yields any results. These treatments seem to clear the depression for about 30 hours, and then it returns. It seems to be returning at a slower rate (not the crash and burn relapse I had at first), but I don’t think the valleys, the bottom points, are any less deep. I really have no motivation to do anything today. But a full day of self-loathing and misery just doesn’t sound all that enticing. It might be a long one.