Day of Treatment Four - Perceptions of Life

I can’t speak for all people, but I know that I have an amazing ability to adapt and accept as “usual” or “normal” the circumstance sin my life as they change and evolve. My daughter broke her arm last night playing basketball. Today is a huge mess because not only is she now operating with one arm, her injured arm is her right (and dominant) arm. She’s finding out how important that other arm is, and its something I’m sure she has never considered in her short life. But, by the time the cast comes off, she will have learned to deal with things as they are. Having two hands again will be a luxury and she will have forgotten how easy some things can be that were difficult before. Similarly, my son is, as I’ve mentioned, mentally ill. People comment frequently “Oh, that must be so hard, having an ill child.” That comment always strikes me as odd. It doesn’t feel “hard”. It simply is what it is. Its part of my life. At first, it was upsetting, traumatic, even. Now, its part of my world and it would be shocking if it were any different. We build our lives, our beliefs, and our values to a great extent around our circumstances. Same holds true for depression, I’m sure. I am used to feeling the way I feel. I have grown accustomed to being unhappy, unfulfilled, and hopeless all of the time. That’s just how my life is. And I know that those perspectives won’t change over night, even as I get better from this treatment. Those are ingrained patterns of thought and perception and expectations about what the world hold for me that will take as long to change as they did to create.

One of two things, or something on a continuum between two things, has begun to happen, however, over the last 36 hours. (1) I have gotten used to being dazed and confused by the treatment, and to operating in a slower mode. I’ve begun to accept it as the “norm.” (although my irritation tolerance is still low if I feel like I’m being treated like an idiot or a child); or (2) things have started getting better. My outlook is better, and I have some enthusiasm. Maybe I’m being hopeful. I’ve been guilty of false hope in the past regarding this illness. But maybe not.

I had the pleasure yesterday of running into someone I used to consider at least an acquaintance. Not someone I longed to hang around with, but someone with whom I was cordial, social in another life. Our wives are friends and social. His perspective, I have learned, with mental as well as physical health, is that medicine is unnecessary. He has the “take a Tylenol and go out for a good run. It will feel better” approach. He even has more than the high school education that Tom Cruise has. Fear breeds ignorance, and ignorance fear. They are a very bad mix which seem to build upon themselves. People will have perceptions, again, based on life experience. For those having the luxury of or choosing to ignore or deny or belittle or denounce mental illness as something less than real and terrible and life threatening, I have but one wish this Holiday Season. I wish that they be allowed, through life circumstances, to stay ignorant and afraid and unenlightened if that means one fewer person has to suffer this existence or has to learn through experience what mental illness is about. And should they have occasion to have their eyes opened to reality (karma makes its way around to us all, at some point), I can only hope for them that they have good people around them, in their lives, to help them through it with compassion. I have been truly lucky in that regard.

All set for a 1:30 ZAP today. #4. I have only 2 real data points so far, given that my first treatment wasn’t a “real” one (titration), but the treatments have gotten increasingly physically and mentally demanding and draining. I am eager to see what this one holds. Wish me luck.