Sunday, 2nd day after treatment 2

Seems like I've been doing this longer than 2 treatments already. And things are just getting started. Today, so far, has been good. No crises, no overwhelming feelings. A couple of observations. First, since I was a child, I have been plagued by canker sores, mouth ulcers, whatever you want to call those little white sores in your mouth (some get them, others don't) that sting like hell, usually grow form tiny to large and then vanish or come after a cut inside the mouth.. Docs have told me and I have read that they are (i) stress related, or (ii) viral, or (iii) they don't know what causes them. They come more in the winter than summer, and usually when my immune system seems suppressed from illness. I took a mineral, lysine (sp?), for a long while, which seemed to suppress the sores, but didn't make them go away altogether. They usually last about 7-10 days. On Lysine, only about 4 days.

I haven't had a sore in nearly 3 years. I can't remember the last one. I've had two ECT treatments now, and I have 2 sores, one inside my top right lip and one inside my bottom right lip (right unilateral ECT, remember) which match up with respect to placement in my mouth. I have also been on lithium for about 3 years, but off lithium for about 2 weeks per doc's orders (always take your meds!! (Melanie!)) Too much there for coincidence.

Usually, in public, everything going on around me is part of my immediate world. I don't/can't shut parts out and consider them background or ambient activity. Especially the super annoying people. That seems to be changing today. I was in a busy Starbucks reading (frequent activity) and noticed how much more things seemed to be background versus foreground. My concentration is terrible (read the same line several times often), but I seem to be operating in a smaller "circle of concern" (term from "7 Habits", Stephen Covey)

I also notice that, where a week ago, my emotional world was neutral or flat with moments of sadness, despair, pessimism and dread. Sometimes those moments outnumbered the neutral moments. There were no moments of optimism, happiness. Now, there are some. Not many, and not often, but I've recognized a few of them. They soon get gobbled up by negativity and depression, but that is a "habit" that may take a while to break. I'm glad to see that those good moments might, after all, still live in my head somewhere. And maybe I'm tapping into them.


Another dark poem form the works of "me":



Battling the Beast

There are miles behind me
And a handful await
The Beast is before me, hungry, awake

I’ve put in my time
And suffered the pain
Preparing for this day

The struggle begins slowly
But the fight will ensue
The Beast will attack me physically and mentally
As I wage my own attack

In my own mind
Like with all things in my life
There are but two options

Defeat the Beast
Or die trying
There can be no retreat, no failure

In my heart, in my soul
I hope I have the strength to try that resolve
The test will come
Ready or not

Push to the edge of reason
Rest there for the mortal combat
Then to the Summit and back to reason

The battle will rage,
Slowing, growing more violent, more demanding
As the altitude increases, and air and energy wane

And even with the Beast beneath and behind me
The fight is far from over
Battling the Beast is more than gaining advantage
It is surviving the aftermath as well

As I descend its lair
Into trees, into air
The Beast will continue to rip at me, to tear

For while the Beast can be taunted
It will never be tamed
Even in victory, there is defeat

And the obsession, the darkness
Once discovered
Pleads with your soue interminably for another battle
On another day, on a new battleground.