A day for a day's sake

I have been asked several times today, by very well intending people "How are you feeling today, Mike?" A question for which there is no answer. I can't answer "I am well." or "I am ill." I can't even go with "better" or "worse." The simple fact of the matter is, I just "am" today. Its 5:00 pm. I managed to complete most of the paperwork for Social Security Disability (just in case I don't make it back to work before my short term disability runs out), and I finished the last 30 pages of a book, but otherwise, I can't really think of what I did to pass the day. Very blurry. My ears still ring, which isn't really of much concern. I have had trouble keeping simple facts straight (like "today is Tuesday"). Doing the Social Security work was the only low spot in the day. It is painful to see how far I have fallen while giving answers about my past employment and income levels and "life". Its hard not to feel badly about one's self when forced to examine your own decline. I just keep urging myself into patience and reminding myself that I just need to sit back, relax, and let the treatment have a chance to do some good. THEN, I can worry about getting back on track. At a local familiar coffee joint today, I realized a fundamental difference in perspective over the last week. Before, depressed, I felt like I was on the outside looking in, and I wanted IN! Now, I'm still on the outside looking in, but I'm not focused on wanting in. Strange, really. My whole life I can remember being so concerned with fitting in that I usually wound up expressing a desire to be different. Like fitting in was too much work, so if I just declared my intent to rebel, the pressure would be lessened. Maybe there is some very basic "wiring" being repaired in this process.

For now, I guess the sit back and be patient (not my forte) approach will have to do. Another treatment tomorrow. Scheduled for 1:30. Take care!