A snowy day...

This morning I had “the 1000 mile stare” and I couldn’t shake it. At one point, I was staring out the window at a thawed spot in the snow covered road. It must have been 100 yards from the window, but it consumed my entire focus. But what I was really watching was all of the snow falling in my peripheral vision. It’s a sensation like being really stoned, but without the munchies (actually, without much appetite at all). I’m not noting any real memory problems, other than the immediate short term things (I usually will make a mental list of things I need to do and then get up and do them. My list capacity right now is about one thing, and the rest get lost in the haze.) My mood has held pretty well today. My son is home. He’s hard to be around all year, but around Christmas, he’s very hard to be around. He has the same problem most adolescent boys have: He forgets to think before he speaks or acts. Now, amplify that problem 100 fold for his emotional condition and you have a loud speaker screaming “INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR” everywhere we go. Nonetheless, my mood has been pretty constant today. My wife is going to a Xmas party tonight with people in our neighborhood. People I used to socialize with too. I’m a little sad for her that she has to go to things like that by herself. Social events are not something I have ever been excited about. They are always uncomfortable for me (outside of a very select crowd). But at one time they were tolerable. For the last several years, I just haven’t gone at all.

I feel like I’m walking a tight rope. I can feel my mood slipping once in a while and I find myself thinking about my anti-social behavior or work or money or my place in life. And I have to keep reminding myself to let those things go, for now, and get my head under control. I’m still confident that those better days are coming, and that ECT will play a huge part in that recovery of “self”. If I can just be patient and let it happen.