Treatment #4 seemed to hold
I slept like the dead last night. I’m usually up until 10:30 or 11:00. Especially now that I’m not getting up early to go to work. I was out cold at 9:15 or so, and didn’t move until 8:00 this morning. Having seizures is hard work. I woke up thinking about the “having trouble breathing” thing from last treatment. Its been on my mind all day. I have totally spooked myself over what is probably nothing. For all I know, the same thing has happened during all treatments, and I was just aware of this one. I will mention it to my doc tomorrow. I trust her and her team. Maybe just not quite enough anesthesia and I was awake before I needed to be. Once I woke up today, it seemed easier to get out of bed. I noticed my morning being blurry, but in a brighter sort of way. I can feel my mood slowly lifting, as my focus slowly wanes. Maybe there is something to that old saying “ignorance is bliss.” My state of consciousness is definitely changing.
I use the local coffee joint (to remain un-named until they agree to pay endorsements) as my barometer. Before, I have been aware of others and their interaction. I was outside looking in. I was annoyed by people doing nothing more than carrying on their lives. Annoyed by people who were doing nothing to annoy me other than existing. Now, I seem to be outside looking “through”. I know those people are still there, and they haven’t changed what they are doing. But it bothers me less. Things seem, in general, to be bothering me less. I characteristically feel time pressured at all times. I set this schedule in my head and if I get just a little off schedule, I get anxious. That anxiety grows and snowballs all day, every day, usually. Now, the time pressure is off. Maybe it results from not going to work, or less anxiety in general, but even with those changes, something else has changed. It seems that my consciousness has had, for some time, a constant and uniform slightly putrid smell or bad taste or unvarying anxious annoyance to it. Now, that is dulling. There is just less annoyance as I become less connected to everything in my environment and as I focus (out of necessity) on only the important parts of my surroundings. I don’t feel dumb or unable to think, just disconnected in a way that I have never felt before. Depression leaves me disconnected, but in an “I don’t care” state if mind. Now, I care, but I’m not fretful and I have a general feeling that thinkgs just might work out ok. That is a new view-point for me. I know I am more spaced out with each treatment. But if spaced out is the price for leaving behind the constant nagging annoyance and anxiety, which always leads back to the same end (depression), then it’s a price I think I am willing to pay, even if the spaced out condition remains. I’m beginning to think that the concept here is to slowly stretch my mind out so that its out of focus and unable to worry or harass me, time to give me a chance to regroup. And then to slowly let my mind begin to heal, to rebuild, and this time, to structure some things correctly which were poorly structured before (e.g. my perception of my environment and the way I react to stimuli). Maybe as the focus returns, the negative mental habits will stay away. My alertness, anxiety, awareness, and need for control of everything, as if on a dimmer switch, are being turned down.
I still have trouble with little details like “did I take my meds?” and “today is Thursday?”, but otherwise, while my focus is lacking, my memory seems to be working. I keep having “oh shit” moments, before I remember that I DID remember to do the thing I was “oh shit”-ing about. Some parts of the last week are hard to color with much detail, but there doesn’t seem to be anything significant missing (or maybe there is and I don’t remember it should be there!) I’ve been referring to the blurry parts of the last week as a “memory smear.” Its all there, and if I take the time to sort it out, I can. But in its current state in my head the colors are a bit jumbled.
I do find myself a bit defensive when I feel I’m being treated like an idiot or like a child. I have been short with my family a couple of times in this regard. I know they are just watching out for me, and it has to be frustrating if it feels like information is being conveyed to me, but its not sinking in. I think that is pride clashing with what is happening to my head.
I went to the Christmas Program at the residential treatment center where my son lives today. I always leave there sad, but with a new perspective. The place is full of kids that no one wants. Throw away kids. Most of them are in the foster “system”, but with no where to go but where they are. Sure, they are emotionally disturbed, most of them, but due to physical and emotional abuse. Then there are the few, the minority, there because they share the same problem, but from a purely brain chemical stand-point. That minority, the ones who have homes outside of the “system” stand at least a chance of succeeding in the world. The rest of them… THAT is why, WHEN I go back to the practice of law, it will be for purpose. It will be to help people like those kids. Somebody needs to.
I use the local coffee joint (to remain un-named until they agree to pay endorsements) as my barometer. Before, I have been aware of others and their interaction. I was outside looking in. I was annoyed by people doing nothing more than carrying on their lives. Annoyed by people who were doing nothing to annoy me other than existing. Now, I seem to be outside looking “through”. I know those people are still there, and they haven’t changed what they are doing. But it bothers me less. Things seem, in general, to be bothering me less. I characteristically feel time pressured at all times. I set this schedule in my head and if I get just a little off schedule, I get anxious. That anxiety grows and snowballs all day, every day, usually. Now, the time pressure is off. Maybe it results from not going to work, or less anxiety in general, but even with those changes, something else has changed. It seems that my consciousness has had, for some time, a constant and uniform slightly putrid smell or bad taste or unvarying anxious annoyance to it. Now, that is dulling. There is just less annoyance as I become less connected to everything in my environment and as I focus (out of necessity) on only the important parts of my surroundings. I don’t feel dumb or unable to think, just disconnected in a way that I have never felt before. Depression leaves me disconnected, but in an “I don’t care” state if mind. Now, I care, but I’m not fretful and I have a general feeling that thinkgs just might work out ok. That is a new view-point for me. I know I am more spaced out with each treatment. But if spaced out is the price for leaving behind the constant nagging annoyance and anxiety, which always leads back to the same end (depression), then it’s a price I think I am willing to pay, even if the spaced out condition remains. I’m beginning to think that the concept here is to slowly stretch my mind out so that its out of focus and unable to worry or harass me, time to give me a chance to regroup. And then to slowly let my mind begin to heal, to rebuild, and this time, to structure some things correctly which were poorly structured before (e.g. my perception of my environment and the way I react to stimuli). Maybe as the focus returns, the negative mental habits will stay away. My alertness, anxiety, awareness, and need for control of everything, as if on a dimmer switch, are being turned down.
I still have trouble with little details like “did I take my meds?” and “today is Thursday?”, but otherwise, while my focus is lacking, my memory seems to be working. I keep having “oh shit” moments, before I remember that I DID remember to do the thing I was “oh shit”-ing about. Some parts of the last week are hard to color with much detail, but there doesn’t seem to be anything significant missing (or maybe there is and I don’t remember it should be there!) I’ve been referring to the blurry parts of the last week as a “memory smear.” Its all there, and if I take the time to sort it out, I can. But in its current state in my head the colors are a bit jumbled.
I do find myself a bit defensive when I feel I’m being treated like an idiot or like a child. I have been short with my family a couple of times in this regard. I know they are just watching out for me, and it has to be frustrating if it feels like information is being conveyed to me, but its not sinking in. I think that is pride clashing with what is happening to my head.
I went to the Christmas Program at the residential treatment center where my son lives today. I always leave there sad, but with a new perspective. The place is full of kids that no one wants. Throw away kids. Most of them are in the foster “system”, but with no where to go but where they are. Sure, they are emotionally disturbed, most of them, but due to physical and emotional abuse. Then there are the few, the minority, there because they share the same problem, but from a purely brain chemical stand-point. That minority, the ones who have homes outside of the “system” stand at least a chance of succeeding in the world. The rest of them… THAT is why, WHEN I go back to the practice of law, it will be for purpose. It will be to help people like those kids. Somebody needs to.
posted by DeMental at 4:25 PM
2 Comments:
sounds GREAT to hear about your future plans
So Mike, does this mean you are thinking of going back into law? I am happy to hear you are starting to feel less heavy with depression. Missing hearing from you directly, but glad you are able to keep notes on what's going on with you in this place.
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