Looking for more benefit than this

New Year’s Day! We spent the day at a friends’ house watching football. As we were arriving, Melissa mentioned the friends’ trip to Mexico, on which they are leaving tomorrow. I had no memory of them planning a trip, despite having had a lengthy conversation with them about the trip just a week ago. I now have some vague memories of that conversation, but very vague.

Today is better than yesterday. My memory still sucks, but I feel better. I can’t help wondering, however, if I am actually moving any closer toward mental health. I have been out of work now for 4 weeks, with 2 weeks of short term disability to go. Then, if necessary, long-term disability kicks in. Likewise, I am in the process of applying for Social Security Disability which will pay about $1900/month forever. I don’t feel like I am any closer to being back to work now than I was 4 weeks ago. If anything, I may be further away. Its hard to focus on getting well when I have to worry about paying the bills, whether I can keep my family in the lifestyle to which they are accustomed, and what the future holds. Hanging around waiting on a disability check on a daily basis isn't my style. I'll go stir crazy.

Just the last few days, maybe the last week, have really seemed different. I’m not sure how to explain that statement. But it feels like my life has no structure, no meaning. Like I am little more than a big burden on those around me. If there is promise of my being more than a burden at some point in the near future, then I’m ok with that. But I don’t feel or see that promise. I feel like I’m moving away from my target, not toward it. I’m not giving up. Not yet. But this is a much less straight-forward fight than I expected it to be.