The way things should be

Today seems better than yesterday. The dark clouds from yesterday (which came from seemingly nowhere) are gone. I think more and more that the pain meds might have been somewhat to blame. I think I will endure the headache a little more with the coming treatments in lieu of medicating the pain.

The day has been good, for the most part. I find myself moving between being down, scared, uncertain about my future and the direction I will take from here, and being excited that I have the opportunity to choose a direction that works for me and to do something I like and that has meaning. The unknown is scary, and I have a lot of unknown in front of me. The outcome of this treatment is unknown, the amount of relapse, if any, is unknown, my work capacity, work taste, and reset work ethic are all unknown. But what is a known quantity is the fact that I can be in control of shaping all of those things. I have a chance to erase all of the pigeon-hole ideas I have about myself and what I am supposed to do and be. I have the opportunity to restructure all of that, and make my life going forward more what I want it to be and less what I feel like I should force it to be.