The sun rose brighter on today.

Of all the bad things I might have expected from this morning, none of them manifested. I woke after a great sleep, about 8:00, no headache, no jaw pain, no sore calves. Yesterday was tough. Ok, so maybe I over-dramatized a bit in my post Wednesday evening. I was writing what I thought was fairly accurate at the time, but looking back from today, I don’t remember it being quite that bad (maybe that’s the beauty of it…not remembering). I was in a good mood this morning, humming xmas songs and doing things around the house. I feel like I’m out of the dingy coffee can I’ve been living in for as long as I can remember. If not for this underlying worry about the future, income, work, stability and balancing all of that with upkeep of my mental health, I would be as at peace today as I can imagine. Melissa keeps telling me, and I keep telling myself, to just lay down those responsibilities for now and get better. Things are covered pretty well for several months, if necessary. If I worry about these things, I can’t focus on getting better. If I don’t get better, worrying about these things is a short term view anyway. I am lucky to have such a wise partner. The conclusions I did come today, however, is that I needn’t feel tied to going back to the mortgage business. I got into that business on a whim, to have something to do, and because it worked for me at that time. I made some good money there, but I’ not handcuffed to it.

My head is pretty spacey and my reality is fairly detached from my surroundings, neither of which is presenting any real problems. I took Beau for an hour walk. The weather is nice (cloudy but warm). I would like to make those walks a regular occurrence. I’m sure he would like it too. Not only is it good exercise, but it gives me another backdrop against which to stop, think, and reflect. So far, although yesterday seems like it was about an hour long, I don’t really notice any memory gaps. I know yesterday was longer than it seems, I have too many snapshot memories for it to seem otherwise, just not a lot of context. The whole day was either at the hospital or lying down at home.

I can’t say that I am looking forward to my treatment tomorrow, #7. it will be my last one until 12/28, 5 days. That will give me a good opportunity to see how I hold up, and how the treatment’s stamina is at this point.