Long Sunday, but it got better

I stood in the kitchen this morning in tears, apologizing to Melissa for letting everyone down by still being depressed. I feel so guilty that everyone is putting forth all of this effort for ECT and everything else, and I’m failing. She hugged me and assured me (as always) that I’m not letting anyone down, and that if we just keep doing all we can do, things will get better. Maggie came in and hugged me from behind. “Its going to be ok, daddy.” How perverse, being assured by my 10 year old that things will be ok. I’m pretty sure its my job to assure her of such things.

Using the coffee joint barometer, I notice that usually I could remember 20 or 30 people for hours after leaving the shop just by visual image alone, just from seeing them, people watching. It’s a fovorite past time. Now, I feel totally engrossed in my book. Maybe because I have to have ultra-focus to read at all. But I couldn’t conjure, several hours later, the image of one person I saw today. With each treatment, I seem more detached, and out of focus. I’ve noticed that my vision will focus on something discreet and irrelevant while my peripheral vision spreads too thin to the edges of my visual perception, too bright or too much light intake, or something like that.

Everyone just keeps saying "stay the course" (oh, wait, or was that Gee Dubuya?). I feel pretty confident in the procedure when I'm feeling better, and totally discouraged when I'm back in the dumps.