Terrible Day
Today has been an absolutely shitty day from the start. I don’t know why. It’s the day after treatment, which has usually been good lately. I had a lot of pain meds yesterday post-treatment, including morphine at the hospital and percocet at the hospital and at home. I think maybe I over did that, and that they are effecting my mood or energy level. I don’t have any thing else to blame today’s mood on, except maybe for Christmas itself. My head has seemed very fractured and disorganized all day. This morning, I got very upset with myself because I just “couldn’t think.” There was something there that felt like depression, but it was different. A more lonely, distant feeling, and one of frustration from having fought this thing so diligently now, and still feeling like I’m losing. Today didn’t feel like worthlessness or hopelessness, but more like I am adrift, not tied to any port, or that I just have no definition to my life. Maybe that’s just scarey. I don’t know exactly what was driving things today, but I hope its gone tomorrow.
We went to a friends’ house for brunch today. I pulled it together enough to handle that, but I was pretty quiet. I also think the pain meds are interfering with my digestion. Pain meds are known to “stop things up”, and they have. I’ve had a horrible stomach ache all afternoon and been unable to eat.
I just feel this misery inside, and where before I could put a label on it and it felt like the same old depression, today it feels different. It feels lonely, and futile, and like I’m inflicting my illness on everyone around me and ruining everyone’s Christmas. I’m not putting up all of this fight with ECT and taking up everyone’s time and emotional energy to still be feeling this way! Now, not only do I feel depressed, I also don’t have any career direction (having moved further and further into believing that a return to mortgage is not likely). I feel like a ship lost at sea. And I can’t help but fear that the only people who give me bearing, those upon whom I have been able to rely for strength in the past, are growing as weary as I am, and tired of fighting, and losing, this fight.
We went to a friends’ house for brunch today. I pulled it together enough to handle that, but I was pretty quiet. I also think the pain meds are interfering with my digestion. Pain meds are known to “stop things up”, and they have. I’ve had a horrible stomach ache all afternoon and been unable to eat.
I just feel this misery inside, and where before I could put a label on it and it felt like the same old depression, today it feels different. It feels lonely, and futile, and like I’m inflicting my illness on everyone around me and ruining everyone’s Christmas. I’m not putting up all of this fight with ECT and taking up everyone’s time and emotional energy to still be feeling this way! Now, not only do I feel depressed, I also don’t have any career direction (having moved further and further into believing that a return to mortgage is not likely). I feel like a ship lost at sea. And I can’t help but fear that the only people who give me bearing, those upon whom I have been able to rely for strength in the past, are growing as weary as I am, and tired of fighting, and losing, this fight.
posted by DeMental at 10:04 AM
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