A fair price to pay.
Today has been a different kind of day. Different in many senses. First, my son is home, and is “transtioning” home for good. He is mentally ill and has lived, most of the time for the last 14 months, at a residential treatment center for kids like him. H eis home for the holidays, but he will be moving home for good in early January. He has learned some great skills at the RTC. He has laso learned some things, some coping “methods”, which don’t go well in my house. He is, at best, a strange person. I love him, and I would do whatever needed to be done to make things work for him, but having him home will be a whole new challenge. I can’t decide if the timing is good or bad. Not that it matters…it is what it is. Either it is better ot be making those changes WHILE making changes to myself through ECT and the related events (making all of the changes at once, instead of dragging them out forever), or re-incorporating him into our daily lives will be a strain which will detract from the progress I am and will make on my own front. I guess it can be either I decide it to be. So far, its been a challenge.
Today I seem less uptight, in general, about tings than usual. I am able to “go with the flow” a little more. I still have some times of sudden irritability. They seem short lived, and I recognize them quickly and deal accordingly. But they are still popping up every so often. I find myself more interested and caring about things than I was even a coupl;e of weeks ago. Things like upkeep around the house, money (but in a healthy, not a worrying, sense) and credit, and organizing things in general for a better future. There seems to be a zeal that has been absent for quite some time. A zeal that doesn’t feel whimsical or manic. It feels strange. There are differences in perception about my self and about my world that I notice, and the depth of which I appreciate, but that I can’t put my finger on or quantify just yet. It feels like shedding a thick coat of bubble-wrap which I have been wearing for as long as I can remember.
I went out to eat and shopping with the family today (the day after Xmas, no less). Target, iPod store, a couple of others. Every place seemed packed with people and completely nuts. But it all went well. There is simply a feeling of being alive again, instead of a feeling of simply surviving. I didn’t have days like this before ECT began. They just weren’t there. There are still days, like Saturday, that suck. And they suck just as bad (maybe worse, because they are a different kind of bad) as my days used to suck. But at least I am having days that climb up and out of the “bad day” category. Even my good day, before ECT, still lived in the “bad day” realm. I am, in fact having, nice, even, “happy”, content days.
My Doc will ask me, on Wednesday, “So, how have you been?” She will mean it in earnest. And I don’t have an answer. I’ve been considering it. It is just too big a question to roll up into a “good” or “not so good”. But I’ll answer just like I said above. I am having days which are better than any days I was having before. And days that still suck. And I will have little answer for what is driving the quality of those days. I can answer that question a little down the road. But, important to consider: I have been taking welbutrin only (no lithium, no Ritalin) for close to a month. And things are improving. Do I think ECT is working? Hell yes. Do I have some fuzzy memory and moments of confusion. Yes I do. Are those things, so far, a fair price to pay for the improvement I’ve seen. Without a doubt.
Today I seem less uptight, in general, about tings than usual. I am able to “go with the flow” a little more. I still have some times of sudden irritability. They seem short lived, and I recognize them quickly and deal accordingly. But they are still popping up every so often. I find myself more interested and caring about things than I was even a coupl;e of weeks ago. Things like upkeep around the house, money (but in a healthy, not a worrying, sense) and credit, and organizing things in general for a better future. There seems to be a zeal that has been absent for quite some time. A zeal that doesn’t feel whimsical or manic. It feels strange. There are differences in perception about my self and about my world that I notice, and the depth of which I appreciate, but that I can’t put my finger on or quantify just yet. It feels like shedding a thick coat of bubble-wrap which I have been wearing for as long as I can remember.
I went out to eat and shopping with the family today (the day after Xmas, no less). Target, iPod store, a couple of others. Every place seemed packed with people and completely nuts. But it all went well. There is simply a feeling of being alive again, instead of a feeling of simply surviving. I didn’t have days like this before ECT began. They just weren’t there. There are still days, like Saturday, that suck. And they suck just as bad (maybe worse, because they are a different kind of bad) as my days used to suck. But at least I am having days that climb up and out of the “bad day” category. Even my good day, before ECT, still lived in the “bad day” realm. I am, in fact having, nice, even, “happy”, content days.
My Doc will ask me, on Wednesday, “So, how have you been?” She will mean it in earnest. And I don’t have an answer. I’ve been considering it. It is just too big a question to roll up into a “good” or “not so good”. But I’ll answer just like I said above. I am having days which are better than any days I was having before. And days that still suck. And I will have little answer for what is driving the quality of those days. I can answer that question a little down the road. But, important to consider: I have been taking welbutrin only (no lithium, no Ritalin) for close to a month. And things are improving. Do I think ECT is working? Hell yes. Do I have some fuzzy memory and moments of confusion. Yes I do. Are those things, so far, a fair price to pay for the improvement I’ve seen. Without a doubt.
posted by DeMental at 5:25 PM
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