A turning point?

My mood today isn’t much better than yesterday. Since Friday’s treatment, I haven’t felt good. I feel like I’m just really slow. Not depressed, really, just like I’m in a fog and nothing makes much sense. Melissa said it felt like I was withdrawn and distant, even though I was running errands with the family. I don’t know if it was the mega-seizure on Friday that is causing this change, or stresses like Melissa’s car dying, or that I just feel useless and like I’m not contributing (I haven’t worked in 5 weeks, and I expect to lose my job this week, no big loss, after not returning from my 6 week disability.) Melissa and my doc keep telling me to not worry about it, to get well first, and then figure out where I want to go to work, but that’s a lot easier said than it is for me to do.

A very wise person in my life commented a few days ago, not in so many words, that I need to stop expecting so much so soon, stop pushing so hard, let go and let the healing happen before I worry about anything else. I’m trying, but its not an easy path for me to take.

I think in retrospect today, some things have begun to happen. I’m not sure how to label them, or what they mean, but things seem to be changing. I did more with Melissa and my family today than I’ve done in as long as I can remember. Its as though the treatment I am undergoing is having a slow and indirect effect on the depression that has been part of my life for a long time. I can feel the relative value of things in my life changing, but I can’t put a formula to those changes just yet. I’ll just stand back and let things happen, and see where they take me. I’m not sure how to reconcile the fact that I haven’t felt “good” since Friday’s treatment, but that I feel I am moving closer to my family and to the values I want to have or that I have felt slow and cognitively impaired, but like I am moving in the right direction as a whole. I hope that these seemingly divergent feelings reconcile in the near future as the treatments proceed.