Changes -- of some sort....
Its not often that I am at a loss for words, or opinions. I am usually very good at finding words adequate for describing what I’m feeling. For the last several days, however, I have been unsuccessfully trying to find words to describe the changes I feel in relation to my mood and my treatment. I’m still searching.
My mind is ordinarily over-run with ideas, thoughts, worries, opinions, etc. My head is usually too busy. Busy such that it is sometimes hard to limit my descriptions of how I am feeling or what I am thinking to a nice succinct package of words. Much of the time, in that same vein, my thoughts, ideas and opinions are rather negative and critical, and my outlook is often indignant.
Since Friday, things seem different and evolving. I could say that I have a quieter mind. I could say that some of the usual negativity is gone. But the truth seems to be that in place of the pace at which my head usually runs I have what seems like no pace at all. I am finding it hard to put my finger on what is missing, but something is. I know, for a fact, that some things which I have learned over the past couple of weeks, things that I should remember, have escaped my memory. We have some friends going to Mexico today. They are going to an area I have been several times. I talked at length with them about the trip on Xmas Eve. And I was shocked, yesterday, to learn that they were going to Mexico. There have been a couple of gapping holes in my short term memory like that. But also missing seem to be the little queues that everyone uses (and you might not realize you use) to move from an initial idea forward, evolving that idea or plan into something more robust or more mature. An example might be “Xmas is over. I should take the Xmas lights down.” In order to accomplish that task, you have to take that concept and put it into action steps, figure out what materials you might need, when you have time to do it, who’s help you need, etc. Those subparts to taking the Xmas lights down would usually just sort of mentally follow my intention to take down the lights, and a plan would evolve without my having to do much “concentrating” on how to get it done. The subparts, right now, just don’t jump into place. I DO have to concentrate and work at planning anything which takes more than one or two steps to accomplish. And that concentration is difficult. Not because I get sided tracked or “decide” to do something different. Rather, keeping the subparts straight is tough because I just lose my trail. I forget what I was doing before I get it done. Or, I never get started because before I can get the substeps in place to get the idea into motion, I get interrupted by something else.
Now, all of that said, I must admit that I don’t feel “depressed”. My outlook on the future, while undefined and uncertain, isn’t as pessimistic as it was just a month ago. In fact, I feel like I should be more worried about things than I am. Things are likely to get a little tricky before they begin to improve. My short term disability insurance ends in two weeks. After that, I either return to work or rely on Social Security Disability to be flowing by then (applied for but not yet finalized). Given that I still have 6 or more additional treatments scheduled, returning to work in two weeks just isn’t likely. And I’m not at all sure that I want to go back to what I was doing anyway. So, there is a fair amount of uncertainty, financial and otherwise, which could very easily be driving my mood. But I know that if I don’t get well before I tackle the rest of “life”, then my effort to date will only be wasted anyway. So, I have little choice but to see this treatment through, fighting the social security and insurance battles along the way and working part time to make ends meet. And being in that position alone would have, just a month ago, been enough emotional turmoil to drive me into a serious and dangerous depression.
My mind is ordinarily over-run with ideas, thoughts, worries, opinions, etc. My head is usually too busy. Busy such that it is sometimes hard to limit my descriptions of how I am feeling or what I am thinking to a nice succinct package of words. Much of the time, in that same vein, my thoughts, ideas and opinions are rather negative and critical, and my outlook is often indignant.
Since Friday, things seem different and evolving. I could say that I have a quieter mind. I could say that some of the usual negativity is gone. But the truth seems to be that in place of the pace at which my head usually runs I have what seems like no pace at all. I am finding it hard to put my finger on what is missing, but something is. I know, for a fact, that some things which I have learned over the past couple of weeks, things that I should remember, have escaped my memory. We have some friends going to Mexico today. They are going to an area I have been several times. I talked at length with them about the trip on Xmas Eve. And I was shocked, yesterday, to learn that they were going to Mexico. There have been a couple of gapping holes in my short term memory like that. But also missing seem to be the little queues that everyone uses (and you might not realize you use) to move from an initial idea forward, evolving that idea or plan into something more robust or more mature. An example might be “Xmas is over. I should take the Xmas lights down.” In order to accomplish that task, you have to take that concept and put it into action steps, figure out what materials you might need, when you have time to do it, who’s help you need, etc. Those subparts to taking the Xmas lights down would usually just sort of mentally follow my intention to take down the lights, and a plan would evolve without my having to do much “concentrating” on how to get it done. The subparts, right now, just don’t jump into place. I DO have to concentrate and work at planning anything which takes more than one or two steps to accomplish. And that concentration is difficult. Not because I get sided tracked or “decide” to do something different. Rather, keeping the subparts straight is tough because I just lose my trail. I forget what I was doing before I get it done. Or, I never get started because before I can get the substeps in place to get the idea into motion, I get interrupted by something else.
Now, all of that said, I must admit that I don’t feel “depressed”. My outlook on the future, while undefined and uncertain, isn’t as pessimistic as it was just a month ago. In fact, I feel like I should be more worried about things than I am. Things are likely to get a little tricky before they begin to improve. My short term disability insurance ends in two weeks. After that, I either return to work or rely on Social Security Disability to be flowing by then (applied for but not yet finalized). Given that I still have 6 or more additional treatments scheduled, returning to work in two weeks just isn’t likely. And I’m not at all sure that I want to go back to what I was doing anyway. So, there is a fair amount of uncertainty, financial and otherwise, which could very easily be driving my mood. But I know that if I don’t get well before I tackle the rest of “life”, then my effort to date will only be wasted anyway. So, I have little choice but to see this treatment through, fighting the social security and insurance battles along the way and working part time to make ends meet. And being in that position alone would have, just a month ago, been enough emotional turmoil to drive me into a serious and dangerous depression.
posted by DeMental at 10:12 AM
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