Sunday, August 20, 2006

Analyzing a bad day

Today began badly. My mood when I woke up seemed ok. I got up and showered but, by the time I started my day, my mood was very flat. It got worse quickly. We went to eat lunch with my mother-in-law. Something I should have enjoyed. But it was miserable (the food was good.) I drove the whole way to the restaurant trying to fight back tears. I won the fight, but only because I couldn’t imagine trying to explain to my mother-in-law what was wrong with me. Maybe the late night shifts at work are getting to me. Two back-to-back might have done it. Yesterday wasn’t a good day, after the first of two night shifts. But today got a little scary bad. Thoughts of hurting myself, thoughts about how I was sick and tired of fighting this fight every day and “pretending” to be happy. Very bad, negative and withdrawn. As much as I hate to admit it, very depressive. I feel like admitting that I was depressed is the same as conceding that I’m sick again and that the ECT treatment benefits are gone. I KNOW I’m going to have good days and bad. I know I’m susceptible to short periods of depression. But that’s a fact easily forgotten when things go south.

Actually, I think things might have begun last night . I found myself, at work, feeling really down on myself. All of these middle-aged guys come into the store dressed nicely and enjoying the weekend break from their “real” jobs. Its easy to see myself as inferior because I work at a liquor store for $8.00/hour instead of working a six figure salary job. Someone asked me, last night, if I owned the store. I took that as a “you must be the owner because why else would you, a middle-aged guy of seemingly reasonable intelligence, be working here?” Perspective. I’m having trouble keeping things in perspective.

So, now that things are feeling a bit better, I’ve come up with a short list of what might be driving this mood dip: (1) the “start/stop” schedule I now have, unlike the furious fast paced life I led while getting the house ready to sell and preparing to move (periods of “nothing to do, instead of being restful and tranquil, give my mood a chance to slip); (2) intermittent trouble remembering that I’m living a “new life”, and to let the old one go; (3) WAY too much time with Mic…stressful, which is just a lubricant for a bad mood (my mood battle is hard enough without the added constant stress of waiting for his next explosion); and (4) the stress from our unsold house as a backdrop to everything else. The first two items I can do something about, and I have to keep working on them. The second two I have little control over. The house will sell when it sells. Mic is who he is, and he’s part of my life, like it or not. But Mic is certainly one of the things that my mind dwells on when I'm not well (how much easier life and my fight against depression would be without that added daily challenge.)

3 Comments:

Blogger Polar Bear said...

I think you show a lot of insight. i think those points you highlighted are very possibly what is causing this upheaval of emotions and leading you downhill.

It's hard to work someplace like a liquor store without questioning why the hell you are there. Especially when you've had a 6 figure salary and living the fast paced life. It'll take a little time perhaps, but you will adjust. I know things seem bleak and hopeless right now, but it will get better.

You are very intelligent. You were given the short straw on this and had to give up some things in your life. There are limitations to what you can do now, but it doesn't mean that it won't become a valuable and important life.

Draw strength from the little things around you that you still care about.

Take care!
Polar B.

8:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HI Mike -
From what I read in your words, you present four solid reasons for some depression and anxiety. Very concise and thorough. Considering what you have done the past month (its said that moving is emotionally as difficult as losing a parent or loved one) you should congratulate yourself for surviving as well as you have! Hang tough and remember it could be a whole lot worse.

Call or write if you want to visit at length -
Bill from the hood

2:11 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

I have a blog that has an article on my recovery from depression and receiving ECT. It saved my life and caused quite a stir when it was published in South Africa. Go to www.alcoholism-alifesentence.blogspot.com.
Good luck and remember what Winston Churchill said..... when you are going through hell, keep going.

7:09 AM  

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