Friday, July 14, 2006

ECT has turned me into a “Loser.”

The former “me” was ultra-organized. I never "lost" anything. I knew where everything in my life was located. Need a receipt for that box fan we bought in May of 2002? Got it. Need that screw that fell out of the curtain rod in February? Got that too. I never lost anything or was at a loss for where anything was. Everything had a place, and it was in that place. Call it part of an OCD problem, but it was a useful part.

Now, I would literally lose my head if it wasn’t attached. I leave home without my wallet about 1 out of 3 times I leave (which I don’t discover until I get to the checkout at some store.) I never know where my keys or my cell phone might be. And I can’t keep up with paperwork. Everything might have a specific file into which it goes, but it may or not be there. Melissa won't let me keep important files anymore, or she watches me put things into those files if I refuse to relinquish control of them. Melissa referred me today as a “loser.” She said she has always been a "loser", Mic is a "loser" (Maggie is organized and rarely loses anything), but I have never been a loser until now. Another side effect of the dreaded ECT. At least I am now emotionally stable enough to find that which I have lost.

The quote of the day (no, I don’t have a quote every day, but I do have one for this particular day) is from Voltaire: “If God didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him.” I won’t get into my philosophy about the existence of God, but let it suffice to say that Voltaire hits a nail on the head. End of needless sidetrack.

A certain commentator made a point of telling me, some time ago, not to “assume any previous learning” in reference to my mention of scuba diving. That was, at the time, good advice, and I find it more meaningful the further from my ECT regimen I get. It seems that more recent learning is more fragmented than more distant learning, but I have found parts of things I learned some time ago to be gone or very hazy. And, certainly, beneath 100 feet of water is no place to discover that I don’t remember how to scuba dive.

Live today like it was your last.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dance like no one is watching.

4:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mike,

While I'm very saddened that you are finding deficits, I am really glad that you are not in denial about them. It's really common to do that in the beginning. And the fact that you have supportive loving people around you will also help you to find ways of adjusting, ways to compensate for them much sooner than if you were by yourself.

Maybe this blog, a sort of journal, helps with that also. (I wish I'd journaled right after, maybe things would have gone smoother for me.)

Hang in there while you're alone with your kids. Just take your time and be kind to yourself.

4:24 AM  
Blogger DeMental said...

CageAlphaMale: I know why you refer to yourself as the Alpha Male. You have 3 years of experience and wisdom on me, and I won't argue with that. You founded what would become, over time, "The Cage" (in all of its spendor.) I haven't forgotten my roots, or my contributions to the evolution of "The Cage" (which will go unnamed...I invoke my rights under the 5th Amendment.)

But you have one thing wrong. Whining is done when someone wants something of someone. Its an approach designed to inspire change in a current situation. I'm not whining. I'm not looking to inspire anyone to do anything differently than they currently do it. Hell, I'm not even looking for sympathy. I'm just reporting how I feel. Some days, I feel very good. Other days, I feel bad. I report both sides. To do otherwise would be to give less than a realistic and accurate picture of my journey. Call it what you like, but it won't influence my writing. It might, however, influence my outlook on life. I need people, sometimes frequently, reminding me of all that I have, all I've been through, and all of the good things to come. Forgetting those things and focusing on the losses is one of the cornerstones of my illness. I have to learn to accept that also.

I respect your beliefs about God and Jesus Christ and the Christian religion. And I know that you will respect the fact that we differ in our beliefs.

I write therefor I am. And I write honestly about what I am.

6:09 PM  
Blogger Grandma said...

Cageguy, can you post your studies of neurophysiology?

Mike is not in any rehabilitation program and hasn't given any indication that he is intending to go to one. So he is not doing his part.

If he does get better in 6 to 18 months it will be because of hard work and acceptance of and compensation for deficits, not because his memory returns or his brain cells regrow.

If he doesn't do anything, he will be right where he is and never be employable.

10:16 AM  

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