Live the moment, damnit!
Today seems to be a little rough around the edges. I worked at the liquor store 8:00 to midnight yesterday. Midnight is WAY past my bedtime. It was close to 1:00 before I got to bed, and I was EXHAUSTED. Its tough being on your feet for 8 hours when you aren’t used to it . I’m sure it will get easier. I slept until 10:30 this morning, and I feel pretty tired today. I work the same shift again tonight (next week I go to days, as the kids will be in school.) I have a little bit of the “What have I done to my life?” feeling today. It has come and gone a few times since we’ve been here. Its still easy to look at life from the perspective of “what I have lost” instead of “where am I going?” I have to keep reminding myself that what has been lost is in the past, and out of my control. What is in the future is, to some degree, subject to my direction (with the understanding that life goes where it pleases.)
I always feel like I’m looking forward to today being over and to getting to the next “stage” of life. For example, all week I was looking forward to next week when school begins. Before that, I was looking forward to starting work at the liquor store. Before that it was getting out truckload of things to Arkansas. Before that it was the movers getting to out house to load out things, Before that, it was Melissa getting back to Colorado from her 2 weeks in Arkansas without us (aka my two weeks alone with the kids in Colorado.) Instead of living the moment and enjoying where I am and what I’m doing, enjoying time with my family, I’m looking down the road and longing for that time to arrive. I can’t seem to be happy in the moment much of the time, unless I’m busy and just not allowing my mind enough time to think about “life.”
Time with Mic seems to be getting harder for me. Maybe its just that I’ve had so much time with him lately, and that his behavior and illness are getting worse as the stress of starting a new school and all of the new things he has coming up increase. But time with him, right now, is simply a bad mood waiting to happen. I have to find a way to accept him for who he is, and finding that acceptance has always been, and continues to be, my biggest challenge. I know that my life and my mental health would be much better without dealing with the constant dread of his next outburst. And I know that that life, without Mic’s challenges, isn’t a real option. But somehow Mic still has a huge impact on my mood and on the battle I have to face every day to keep my mood at a reasonable place.
Life goes on. The more I figure out, the more I realize there is to figure out. I keep telling myself to live the moment, and I have to find a way to get better at that very skill.
I always feel like I’m looking forward to today being over and to getting to the next “stage” of life. For example, all week I was looking forward to next week when school begins. Before that, I was looking forward to starting work at the liquor store. Before that it was getting out truckload of things to Arkansas. Before that it was the movers getting to out house to load out things, Before that, it was Melissa getting back to Colorado from her 2 weeks in Arkansas without us (aka my two weeks alone with the kids in Colorado.) Instead of living the moment and enjoying where I am and what I’m doing, enjoying time with my family, I’m looking down the road and longing for that time to arrive. I can’t seem to be happy in the moment much of the time, unless I’m busy and just not allowing my mind enough time to think about “life.”
Time with Mic seems to be getting harder for me. Maybe its just that I’ve had so much time with him lately, and that his behavior and illness are getting worse as the stress of starting a new school and all of the new things he has coming up increase. But time with him, right now, is simply a bad mood waiting to happen. I have to find a way to accept him for who he is, and finding that acceptance has always been, and continues to be, my biggest challenge. I know that my life and my mental health would be much better without dealing with the constant dread of his next outburst. And I know that that life, without Mic’s challenges, isn’t a real option. But somehow Mic still has a huge impact on my mood and on the battle I have to face every day to keep my mood at a reasonable place.
Life goes on. The more I figure out, the more I realize there is to figure out. I keep telling myself to live the moment, and I have to find a way to get better at that very skill.
posted by DeMental at 12:26 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home