Treatment #13, Bilateral #7
Treatment #13 today. I can feel my brain getting slower as these treatments progress. It all feels like something that will come back once I stop battering my brain, but there is a certain cumulative effect that I notice. I have been thinking about my career, and the fact that there are two distinct ‘parts’: Pre-Cyber. Joe Coffee and Post. Everything pre-CJC was positive and successful in the legal field. Everything post CJC has been decreasingly successful. My first mortgage job was fairly lucrative. My 2nd mortgage job paid very well, and the mortgage jobs have paid less well since then. I have allowed CJC to be my albatross for too long. It was a failure, big deal. We all have them. I need to get past that one and move on. I realize that everything post CJC has been desperate, not “me”, not what I want. Its time to reset, put CJC in the past, get back on top and do what I want to do. There is no reason to carry CJC with me any further, and it stops today. It is time for my financial dry-spell to end, and for me to get back on top and put away some wealth, play smarter
Things continue to change on a personal front. My routine weekend includes hiding out in the basement or away from others for most of the time, doing my own thing. I am usually at home, but by myself. Melissa recognized, even before I did, that I spent most of the weekend with the family, and several hours in the family room with everyone on Sunday. First time in 3 or 4 years.
Today, my Beck Score was 13. Remember, I started at 40. My doctor commented that “a 13 is rapidly approaching ‘remission’” I think a score down around 10 or 11 is what she’s looking for before we start tapering the treatments. Maybe by the end of this week.
For #13, we did Torodol (headache) and Zofran (nausea) before-hand. We used lydicane and etomidate for anesthesia, and 1000mg of caffeine to encourage the seizure. Not as long as the last one, by any means, but a 40 second seizure is well into the therapeutic range. The rhythm was good and the cessation was sharp. I woke up lost in Recovery. No Fentenyl in Recovery today. My head hurt when I woke up, but not much. I decided that Percocet in Recovery II would be enough (and get me out of there quicker.) I notice that with each treatment, the ringing in my ears increases. No nausea on the way home today, but later in the evening it was there, until I went to sleep.
Things continue to change on a personal front. My routine weekend includes hiding out in the basement or away from others for most of the time, doing my own thing. I am usually at home, but by myself. Melissa recognized, even before I did, that I spent most of the weekend with the family, and several hours in the family room with everyone on Sunday. First time in 3 or 4 years.
Today, my Beck Score was 13. Remember, I started at 40. My doctor commented that “a 13 is rapidly approaching ‘remission’” I think a score down around 10 or 11 is what she’s looking for before we start tapering the treatments. Maybe by the end of this week.
For #13, we did Torodol (headache) and Zofran (nausea) before-hand. We used lydicane and etomidate for anesthesia, and 1000mg of caffeine to encourage the seizure. Not as long as the last one, by any means, but a 40 second seizure is well into the therapeutic range. The rhythm was good and the cessation was sharp. I woke up lost in Recovery. No Fentenyl in Recovery today. My head hurt when I woke up, but not much. I decided that Percocet in Recovery II would be enough (and get me out of there quicker.) I notice that with each treatment, the ringing in my ears increases. No nausea on the way home today, but later in the evening it was there, until I went to sleep.
posted by DeMental at 9:15 AM
2 Comments:
I just discovered your blog a few days ago, and have spent the last 3hrs reading and getting up to date on your ECT journey. I am currently wading through my second bout of serious depression (the was first was 5 years ago). I thought I'd share some thoughts that I'm reminded of as I read your blog.
Prior to my falling into depression the first time - it was preceded by an anxiety disorder. This took me quite awhile to get 'control' of. I tend to be a control freak and have to have things just a certain way or it stresses me out. One simple example, I usually had to choose where we were eating for lunch that day (and good thing my co-worker/friend didn't care much at all). When I was getting much better, it seemed I no longer needed or even wanted to chose where we ate. Now, this ended up being a small dilemma, as my friend didn't want to have to pick either b/c she really didn't care. Sometimes we had quite the argument over this. When I had talked to my therapist about this latest issue - she said that actually, this was a sign I was getting better. As I had reduced my anxiety/stress, I had less of a need to control everything else as much as possible. And the fact that I didn't need to decide where to eat, was a sign that I spent less time and angst over small things, since I was better able to deal with and work thru the larger issues. I'm reminded of this as you find that it has been easier for you to deal with small, everyday annoyances - that you've let go of some of these things. [These small things also plaqued me during my anxiety and sent me into tears on a daily basis.]
Though you seem to be in a fog sometimes and less cognitive of all the things going on around you - it seems to me that this actually helps you in some ways, towards helping you spend your time and energy on only the more important things that really need it - family, money, work. The other important thing, which you've probably started to learn from your son's experiences and maybe through the help of a therapist - is to learn the methods that help you deal with anxiety/depression more effectively and 're-program' yourself to deal with issues in ways that work for you, instead of the habits that have hindered you in the past.
Recently a therapist had this advice for me and as I've posted about - Its ok to make yourself your top priority. And your top priority is taking care of yourself and getting yourself healthy again. Now I struggle with believing in this most days, I try to at least 'think' it a couple times a day. What I also have to tell myself is that self-preservation is not selfish. I am single without kids though, and I live alone so I don't have the added worry of how my well-being affects my immediate family and those that surround me intimately, as you've talked about. [I do have the best friend that a girl could ever have though.]
I've found your blog interesting and hopeful. And I agree, not many people can even have an idea about what it might be like to deal with serious depression. I suppose the best we can hope for is that others will concede that they don't and can't understand what it feels like, but that will also recognize how it can and does seriously affect people who suffer from it.
I'll be thinking of you and I wish you continued success with your treatment - both ECT and finding your path in life as you get better.
PP
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