"Moving" right along
Last week, having two treatments as a way of getting my feet back on the ground after a "rough patch" following 3 weeks with no treatments, was rough. It seems that the more treatments I have, now, with each one, they hit a little harder and do a little more significant "damage". Someone asked me, Sunday, if I had to make my decision to go the ECT route again, if I would make the same decision. My answer was a resounding "yes." I still stand on the concept that I would rather be happy to be alive and enjoying my world (most days), even if a little less bright than I was 6 months ago, than to have that small amount of lost cognitive ability back, but wish that I was dead and living in complete misery day after day.
In the last couple of weeks, I have figured out that my manic or obsessive tendencies appear to drive me into depressive days. I have also realized that I am not very able, on my own, to control those manic or obsessive tendencies. As hard as I try, they seem to find my weak spots and creep into my world. But, with the use of Risperdal, which I have only been using for about a week and a half, I have had very good luck, on a very small dose, in maintaining a much more laid back, less driven approach to my world. I'm still driven, and I still don't like being idle and getting nothing done or having nothing to do, but I am much more able to maintain a realistic pace and accept falling short of my stated goals for a day if things come up or if things simply take longer than I had at first estimated. Said another way, I'm still getting a lot of "work" done each day, but I'm not bothered by the fact that I might get tasks A through D done, and done well, even though I had planned to get A through F done today when the day began. With working on getting our home ready to go on the market, there is NO SHORTAGE of things to get done.
I have also discovered that, along with the manic tendencies, the other trigger for my depressive episodes is worries about financial matters. I come from a history of making more than enough money to live life doing whatever it is we wanted to do, with money left over. Now, I'm contributing very little financially while I work on getting my mental health back (and while I fight with Social Security and with my Long Term Disability Insurance criminals.) That difference causes me tremendous stress, if I allow it to and if I think too much about it. I'm relatively convinced that, without financial worries and the manic tendencies, my depressive episodes would be all but gone completely. I have found a way of reasonably managing the mania, and with planning a move from our current home to a home much closer to family (and a much lower cost of living), managing the financial worries has taken a turn much for the better.
As a result, this week has been tremendous. Yesterday, I played a really shitty racquetball match (no concentration, which I'm blaming on the 2 treatments last week), and then I volunteered at my daughter's school. They participate in this social sciences project called "Ameritowne" for which they decide on jobs that they would like to apply for in this massive role playing production. They draft resumes and cover letters, fill out applications and get letters of reference, and then they interview for the jobs they have chosen. I was one of the interviewers. It was a ton of fun. I can't help thinking back to when I was 11, and how I would have handled interviewing for a job in this situation. I was shy and quiet and would have been a nervous wreck. The kids I met with were great, prepared, most of them were calm and confident. It was a great experience. It is so GREAT being able to participate in school activities like this with my daughter (she's a great kid and I'm really proud of her and who she is.)
So, 4 great days in a row, very socially active, very productive from a "work" (on the house) standpoint, good relationship interaction with wife and kids. In fact, my wife, today in a conversation with one of our "friends" (parenthesis indicative of the fact that these are people who were friends as long as everything in life was running smoothly, but people who were nowhere to be found when things got tough and real "friends" would have been nice to have around), was asked if things were going ok between she and I. Her answer was "things are better now than they have been in years, and they are on track to continue to get better." I concur. Things may be different and changing still from where they once were, but they are changing to keep up with life circumstances, and to keep everyone in good stead and happy as the cards continue to be dealt and the hand life has dealt us continues to evolve. You can ignore the ever evolving circumstances of life and fight to keep everything in life "just like its always been." Or you can accept that life changes, and that your approach to life and the way you live it had better change along with it if you expect to have a shot at happiness and fulfillment. Better happy and rolling with the punches than holding your ground and miserable.
Life consists, at present, of painting and getting my home ready to sell (which I wouldn't have been able to do with any endurance in the condition I enjoyed just prior to ECT), looking at property and the types of things available in the category of houses we are interested in in NW Arkansas (I'm amazed at what we can get for the money we want to spend there. The difference between here and there is crazy!), and keeping up my 6 days a week exercise regimen (running and weights 3 days/week and racquetball 3 days/week.) Life is good.
Rock on!
In the last couple of weeks, I have figured out that my manic or obsessive tendencies appear to drive me into depressive days. I have also realized that I am not very able, on my own, to control those manic or obsessive tendencies. As hard as I try, they seem to find my weak spots and creep into my world. But, with the use of Risperdal, which I have only been using for about a week and a half, I have had very good luck, on a very small dose, in maintaining a much more laid back, less driven approach to my world. I'm still driven, and I still don't like being idle and getting nothing done or having nothing to do, but I am much more able to maintain a realistic pace and accept falling short of my stated goals for a day if things come up or if things simply take longer than I had at first estimated. Said another way, I'm still getting a lot of "work" done each day, but I'm not bothered by the fact that I might get tasks A through D done, and done well, even though I had planned to get A through F done today when the day began. With working on getting our home ready to go on the market, there is NO SHORTAGE of things to get done.
I have also discovered that, along with the manic tendencies, the other trigger for my depressive episodes is worries about financial matters. I come from a history of making more than enough money to live life doing whatever it is we wanted to do, with money left over. Now, I'm contributing very little financially while I work on getting my mental health back (and while I fight with Social Security and with my Long Term Disability Insurance criminals.) That difference causes me tremendous stress, if I allow it to and if I think too much about it. I'm relatively convinced that, without financial worries and the manic tendencies, my depressive episodes would be all but gone completely. I have found a way of reasonably managing the mania, and with planning a move from our current home to a home much closer to family (and a much lower cost of living), managing the financial worries has taken a turn much for the better.
As a result, this week has been tremendous. Yesterday, I played a really shitty racquetball match (no concentration, which I'm blaming on the 2 treatments last week), and then I volunteered at my daughter's school. They participate in this social sciences project called "Ameritowne" for which they decide on jobs that they would like to apply for in this massive role playing production. They draft resumes and cover letters, fill out applications and get letters of reference, and then they interview for the jobs they have chosen. I was one of the interviewers. It was a ton of fun. I can't help thinking back to when I was 11, and how I would have handled interviewing for a job in this situation. I was shy and quiet and would have been a nervous wreck. The kids I met with were great, prepared, most of them were calm and confident. It was a great experience. It is so GREAT being able to participate in school activities like this with my daughter (she's a great kid and I'm really proud of her and who she is.)
So, 4 great days in a row, very socially active, very productive from a "work" (on the house) standpoint, good relationship interaction with wife and kids. In fact, my wife, today in a conversation with one of our "friends" (parenthesis indicative of the fact that these are people who were friends as long as everything in life was running smoothly, but people who were nowhere to be found when things got tough and real "friends" would have been nice to have around), was asked if things were going ok between she and I. Her answer was "things are better now than they have been in years, and they are on track to continue to get better." I concur. Things may be different and changing still from where they once were, but they are changing to keep up with life circumstances, and to keep everyone in good stead and happy as the cards continue to be dealt and the hand life has dealt us continues to evolve. You can ignore the ever evolving circumstances of life and fight to keep everything in life "just like its always been." Or you can accept that life changes, and that your approach to life and the way you live it had better change along with it if you expect to have a shot at happiness and fulfillment. Better happy and rolling with the punches than holding your ground and miserable.
Life consists, at present, of painting and getting my home ready to sell (which I wouldn't have been able to do with any endurance in the condition I enjoyed just prior to ECT), looking at property and the types of things available in the category of houses we are interested in in NW Arkansas (I'm amazed at what we can get for the money we want to spend there. The difference between here and there is crazy!), and keeping up my 6 days a week exercise regimen (running and weights 3 days/week and racquetball 3 days/week.) Life is good.
Rock on!
posted by DeMental at 9:23 PM
4 Comments:
Am I the only one who's lost here? We hear about you filling out job applications, work you're eager to do in Colorado...what happened to that? You've accepted that you will not work again because you intend to continue to have ECT for the rest of your life? You've accepted that your wife will support you?
Will your life now consist of "work" and reading in Starbucks, not remembering what you read the next day? I don't think they have Starbucks in Arkansas.
Plenty of career mental patients live that way. Some of them, eventually, are even tapped on the shoulder for jobs as token career mental patients. Is that you?
If you are able to fill out job applications during ECT and go for interviews, why aren't you able to work?
You are only 40. That's hundreds if not thousands of ECTs. Is that your choice?
One thing is certain: your docs will keep giving them as long as you keep agreeing to them.
I don't mean to be harsh, but I doubt I am the only one confused, and you are losing your audience.
First, Granny, yes, you are lost. But maybe I lost more than you. Let me explain.
I am a realist. I accept life for what it is right now. My doc has strongly suggested that, for the next several months, that I not work at all, and when I do go back, I go back in slowly. After all, the last thing I want is to get to start this whole process over after another major depressive run. So, for now, while "I" was over eager and put some job applications out there, my doc, my wife, mt therapist, and I have decided that jumping back into the work force with both feet is probably not in my best mental health interest.
Second, No, I havn't "accepted" anything on a "lifetime" basis. I accept, again, right now, that work on a full time basis might not be in my interest. And, on the contrary, my doctor told me, last time I saw her, that she thinks we are at a point where learning to manage the manic side and keeping stress at a lower level will be more helpful than firther ECT treatment. I agree with her. I had come to that conclusion with my wife as well. The treatments seem, at this point, to be no more good than causing confusion. So, no, I don't intend to have treatment for the rest of my life. In fact, I don't intend to go back, absent a serious depressive set-back which might, then, call for a re-evaluation of the treatment plan.
Third, yeah, I can accept that my wife might be the primary bread winner for a while. It was actually her idea. And, why not. This is the 21st century. I'm sure when you were younger, when June Cleaver stayed at home and baked all day and met Ward at the door in the evening with a kiss on the check, the wife didn't ever take the role as the primary bread-winner. Welcome to the modern world. If that's what it takes to make things work for a while, then that's what we'll do. Again, we aren't setting up a lifestyle for the remainder of our lives. We are taking the circumstances, as they exist today, and making a plan that works therewith.
My life will consist of working a part or full-time job in an environment less stressful than corporate America has to offer, at least for a while. One of the advantages to the move we are making is that employment will never be an issue because of the amount of family and connection we have in that part of the world. As for my reading at Starbucks and how much I remember the next day, neither of those things really have any bearing on the real question you pose. They are just cheap little pokes, which is fine. I stand by my decision to undergo ECT. I’m alive, happy most days, and now have a plan for the future, the immediate future at least, which pulls things together into a sensible and feasible package.
You seem to ask the same question over and over in different words, that beibng: Do I intend to have ECT for the rest of my life? Why can’t I work? Do I intend to be a “career mental patient?” I’ve answered the first question…no. I “can” work, and at any job I decided to. That decision just stands a good chance of putting me back where I started. Taking a slower approach to returning to that work environment to which I am accustomed is the recommendation of my physician and my therapist. They get paid good money for advising me and, as much as I would love to become fully engaged again right away, I think I’ll heed their advice. I’m not lazy, and I’m no sloth. It will be harder than hell for me to accept not being the one making most of the money and I will have to work hard finding something to do to occupy my time in a productive capacity. I’ve run 6 marathons (one of then to the top of Pikes Peak and back), finished two half-ironman triathlons, completed distance swims of 14 and 20 miles (yes, continuous) respectively, with countless half-marathons and other events tossed in there too. Maybe I’ll get back into distance event training mode and run across America or something ridiculous like that. Don’t worry, no soap operas and bon-bons for me. I will work a job with less stress than I’m used to (I’ve been talking to a person I know about being a manager of a liquor store he owns), and work back toward corporate America at a cautious pace. I’ve worked too damned hard to get from where I was to where I am. I’m not giving it away just for the sake of feeding my rush to get back to the rat rate.
Finally, as for losing my audience: Frankly, who gives a shit? I started this blog for the simple reason of keeping my friends and family posted as my treatment progressed (so I wouldn’t have to recount the same story in several different e-mails), and because I knew that my memory was likely to be inhibited by the treatment, and I wanted a record of how things went. The “audience” was just something that happened. Ain’t the internet great? People who don’t know me from Adam can keep up with how a total stranger’s life is going as he undergoes a very difficult treatment for depression. From my perspective, that’s fine, but not something that I need, certainly. Its allowed me to make several pseudo-friends and have some discussion, but if a couple of “Grandmas” stop reading because they don’t like my writing or become confused with my logic or direction, so what?
Thanks for your comments.
Bravo Mike! Excellent reply.
Please don't take what I say so personally. It isn't. Frankly, I'm still confused.
I just noticed your revised sidebar which seems to contradict what you said in your post about losing cognitive ability. And it also contradicts to some extent your inability to work, because why would transitory memory loss interfere with that? Doesn't the transitory loss resolve in a day or so? And aren't you looking for work with that sidebar?
I see you have taken my comment about being a career mental patient to heart, and I know there is a market for this. You can probably do well financially as an ECT spokesman. However, I think you have to be a bit more proactive. As someone with a blog myself, I don't know that all that many people find you without some efforts. Have you called the APA? A simple phone call might be very productive. Have you decided how much to charge for speaking engagements? Perhaps they decide that.
Also,you can't wait for someone to come find you to work on a book. You have to contact them, and you will have to pay them to put together a proposal for you.
Do you thank God every day for your wife? I would like to thank her for you. Do you consider where you would be now had you no one to support you? After all, your doctor didn't warn you that you would be unable to work for months or years after ECT, did she? There are so many people in your situation who end up destitute, instead of shopping for real estate. You are blessed.
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