The Sunday Slump??
Ok, where did all of my readers go? I haven't heard from anyone in several days. Don't leave me now, just because things are getting better (mostly) and slowing down!
There must be something about Sundays. After last Sunday's mayhem, last week got progressively better. Friday, I reported feeling good, having good days, being motivated and staying positive and busy. Saturday was ok, but not super. I played some racquetball in the morning. racquetball, for those that don't know me well, is an old friend. I used to play 3 or 4 days a week, played in leagues and tournaments. I was about a high "B" level player (scale runs from "novice" to D, C, B, A, and "Open" in some tournaments.) About the time, I think, that my illness began was about the time I quit playing. It became more frustrating than fun about 5 years ago. Anyway, after about an hour and a half of ball, I noticed, suddenly, that my concentration just left me. That's not something I remember from before, and I think it might be ECT related. So, I bagged it and went home. Got home and worked all day, hard, on the baseboards. I was BEAT by the end of the day. My family reports me being "grumpy" and "irritable". I noticed my focus being a little off while cutting baseboards. Made some mistakes that were not normal. But I hadn't noticed being grumpy (other than with my son, who was "helping" me, but right under my feet and in the way all day.) My wife had a terrible day with my son (the one that is mentally ill) and had admitted to being in a really bad mood. I just sort of the reports of me being irritable were related to her mood.
And then there was today.
Started ok. Woke up. This time change thing isn't my favorite, but at least I don't lose an hour of sleep before going to work! I went out for breakfast (becoming a Sunday ritual) and then to read at Starbucks (old habit.) I noticed that my focus was not good at all. Couldn't concentrate even enough to read my book. To many people, too much commotion, too many things in my head that I needed to do at home. I just felt unhappy, in general. This, despite getting notice today (came yesterday, actually) that I was being interviewed for 2 different State of Colorado job positions. Should have been good news.
Got home and did some yard work. Cut up a big downed limb, picked up the back yard, and then worked on caulking the master shower. It had leaked from under one end of the door, so I had fixed that a couple weeks ago. Now it leaked on the other end. Anyone ever worked with silicone caulk? I HATE that stuff. First, I can't stand the smell. And then, it sticks to everything except what you want it to stick to. Got the leak fixed after messing with that caulk and cussing like a banshee for an hour. Turned out to not even be a caulk problem. Just needed to adjust the door!
And then I sat on my patio, head in my hands, and was miserable. Not in hell, like last Sunday, just questions of why I keep doing this. Questions of why I even bother to continue to walk the earth, living this miserable life. Thoughts, passive, of suicide. After about 15 minutes, I decided that I could sit and feel sorry for myself, or get to work and stay busy. After about an hour, my wife brought me a Xanax and reminded me that I had asked her to make me take one if and when I was having this type of day. I don't know why its so hard for me to give in and just medicate a shitty day, but it certainly helps. The rest of the day was ok (not great, but bearable.) I ran some errands with the whole family, and then took my son to the park to fly a kite. Can't remember the last time I flew a kite. Also can't remember the last time I had a freakin rope burn this bad on my hand!
My wife and I had a really good laugh tonight over my memory issues. She was reminding me of some memory problems I had had back in December and January, when treatments were hot and heavy. I don't remember any of this, and she swears she isn't exaggerating. She says that, daily after Christmas break was over, I would wake up and ask [Q]"Where is Maggie?" [A]"She's at school." [Q]"When does she get home?" [A] "About 3:50". [Q]"Why so late?" [A]"Her school starts late." [Q]"Where is Mic?"...same series. And then [Q]"Why are they at school if I'm not at work?" [A]"you don't go to work right now because of your treatment." She said we would play this same script 2 or 3 times a day for 3 weeks, until I got it.
I would also wake up, every day, and ask [Q]"What am I doing today?" [A]"What do you want to do?" [Q]"Well, what is my job?" [A]"You don't work right now because of your treatment."
Every night, after dinner, I would ask [Q]"Have we eaten dinner?" [A]"Yes, honey. We all ate together." [Q] "Was I there?" [A]"Yes, we were all there." [Q]"What did we have?"]. Most days, I would ask the same questions about dinner the night before, or if I had eaten lunch already.
I did the same thing with Matt Lauer's (Today Show) wrist injury. He fell off a horse or something in January and wore a brace or cast for a couple of weeks. Every morning, I would sit up in bed, alarmed, and ask [Q]"What happened to Matt's wrist?!?" Every morning, she would tell me. And I must say, Melissa was better at being patient and not getting annoyed than I would have been had the tables been turned. We laughed hard about all of these things for about 30 minutes tonight. She's working on coming up with the other similar things. I don't recall any of this. I also don't remember, I noticed tonight, this "Mine Accident" from which there was one survivor. I sort of remember hearing something about it, but just barely.
There was another guy, whom we met through ECT treatments at the hospital, who didn't recognize any of his own clothes. He would ask his spouse every day if she was sure if they were his. He would call her at work and ask "Do I have any sweaters? I want to wear a sweater today." When she told him to look in the closet at his clothes, he would say that all he could find were these clothes that didn't belong to him. One night, they were at a friends' house for dinner. Karen found Bill looking through the friends' kitchen cabinets. "Bill. What are you looking for?" "I'm trying to find my deodorant! I can't remember where I put it!"
These are the things that ECT does to your memory. Is it better than pre-ECT or suicide? Absolutely, even if it turns out to be permanent.
Tonight, we were watching a show on TV and I made a (pretty uncharacteristic) chauvinistic remark about some girl's "nice rack." My wife corrected me, calling my use of terminology out-dated, letting me know that the current terminology is "nice set of twins" or "the girls." I'll try to keep up on the times a little better.
There must be something about Sundays. After last Sunday's mayhem, last week got progressively better. Friday, I reported feeling good, having good days, being motivated and staying positive and busy. Saturday was ok, but not super. I played some racquetball in the morning. racquetball, for those that don't know me well, is an old friend. I used to play 3 or 4 days a week, played in leagues and tournaments. I was about a high "B" level player (scale runs from "novice" to D, C, B, A, and "Open" in some tournaments.) About the time, I think, that my illness began was about the time I quit playing. It became more frustrating than fun about 5 years ago. Anyway, after about an hour and a half of ball, I noticed, suddenly, that my concentration just left me. That's not something I remember from before, and I think it might be ECT related. So, I bagged it and went home. Got home and worked all day, hard, on the baseboards. I was BEAT by the end of the day. My family reports me being "grumpy" and "irritable". I noticed my focus being a little off while cutting baseboards. Made some mistakes that were not normal. But I hadn't noticed being grumpy (other than with my son, who was "helping" me, but right under my feet and in the way all day.) My wife had a terrible day with my son (the one that is mentally ill) and had admitted to being in a really bad mood. I just sort of the reports of me being irritable were related to her mood.
And then there was today.
Started ok. Woke up. This time change thing isn't my favorite, but at least I don't lose an hour of sleep before going to work! I went out for breakfast (becoming a Sunday ritual) and then to read at Starbucks (old habit.) I noticed that my focus was not good at all. Couldn't concentrate even enough to read my book. To many people, too much commotion, too many things in my head that I needed to do at home. I just felt unhappy, in general. This, despite getting notice today (came yesterday, actually) that I was being interviewed for 2 different State of Colorado job positions. Should have been good news.
Got home and did some yard work. Cut up a big downed limb, picked up the back yard, and then worked on caulking the master shower. It had leaked from under one end of the door, so I had fixed that a couple weeks ago. Now it leaked on the other end. Anyone ever worked with silicone caulk? I HATE that stuff. First, I can't stand the smell. And then, it sticks to everything except what you want it to stick to. Got the leak fixed after messing with that caulk and cussing like a banshee for an hour. Turned out to not even be a caulk problem. Just needed to adjust the door!
And then I sat on my patio, head in my hands, and was miserable. Not in hell, like last Sunday, just questions of why I keep doing this. Questions of why I even bother to continue to walk the earth, living this miserable life. Thoughts, passive, of suicide. After about 15 minutes, I decided that I could sit and feel sorry for myself, or get to work and stay busy. After about an hour, my wife brought me a Xanax and reminded me that I had asked her to make me take one if and when I was having this type of day. I don't know why its so hard for me to give in and just medicate a shitty day, but it certainly helps. The rest of the day was ok (not great, but bearable.) I ran some errands with the whole family, and then took my son to the park to fly a kite. Can't remember the last time I flew a kite. Also can't remember the last time I had a freakin rope burn this bad on my hand!
My wife and I had a really good laugh tonight over my memory issues. She was reminding me of some memory problems I had had back in December and January, when treatments were hot and heavy. I don't remember any of this, and she swears she isn't exaggerating. She says that, daily after Christmas break was over, I would wake up and ask [Q]"Where is Maggie?" [A]"She's at school." [Q]"When does she get home?" [A] "About 3:50". [Q]"Why so late?" [A]"Her school starts late." [Q]"Where is Mic?"...same series. And then [Q]"Why are they at school if I'm not at work?" [A]"you don't go to work right now because of your treatment." She said we would play this same script 2 or 3 times a day for 3 weeks, until I got it.
I would also wake up, every day, and ask [Q]"What am I doing today?" [A]"What do you want to do?" [Q]"Well, what is my job?" [A]"You don't work right now because of your treatment."
Every night, after dinner, I would ask [Q]"Have we eaten dinner?" [A]"Yes, honey. We all ate together." [Q] "Was I there?" [A]"Yes, we were all there." [Q]"What did we have?"]. Most days, I would ask the same questions about dinner the night before, or if I had eaten lunch already.
I did the same thing with Matt Lauer's (Today Show) wrist injury. He fell off a horse or something in January and wore a brace or cast for a couple of weeks. Every morning, I would sit up in bed, alarmed, and ask [Q]"What happened to Matt's wrist?!?" Every morning, she would tell me. And I must say, Melissa was better at being patient and not getting annoyed than I would have been had the tables been turned. We laughed hard about all of these things for about 30 minutes tonight. She's working on coming up with the other similar things. I don't recall any of this. I also don't remember, I noticed tonight, this "Mine Accident" from which there was one survivor. I sort of remember hearing something about it, but just barely.
There was another guy, whom we met through ECT treatments at the hospital, who didn't recognize any of his own clothes. He would ask his spouse every day if she was sure if they were his. He would call her at work and ask "Do I have any sweaters? I want to wear a sweater today." When she told him to look in the closet at his clothes, he would say that all he could find were these clothes that didn't belong to him. One night, they were at a friends' house for dinner. Karen found Bill looking through the friends' kitchen cabinets. "Bill. What are you looking for?" "I'm trying to find my deodorant! I can't remember where I put it!"
These are the things that ECT does to your memory. Is it better than pre-ECT or suicide? Absolutely, even if it turns out to be permanent.
Tonight, we were watching a show on TV and I made a (pretty uncharacteristic) chauvinistic remark about some girl's "nice rack." My wife corrected me, calling my use of terminology out-dated, letting me know that the current terminology is "nice set of twins" or "the girls." I'll try to keep up on the times a little better.
posted by DeMental at 9:04 PM
8 Comments:
lol @ "twins".....what happened to that nice boy I knew in high school??? HAHA :-)
I am glad to hear how you are able to notice the signs when you are having a 'bad' day.
I don't know if this applies to gummint jobs. However, the Bar Association in my state (and I assume yours as well) has a Committe on Mental Fitness (or something like that, disability maybe). You can't practice law if you can't prove to them you are mentally fit. I know two lawyers in my state who are not allowed to practice because of their psychiatric labels, and neither one of them had shock. Both had treatment more than a decade ago. Neither has symptoms now.
I am quite sure that anyone who has/is having shock would not be approved to practice law, if the bar association knew about it. You might want to find out how this works in your state.
Grandma... interesting. I would be curious to know in what state you live. Are you saying that these two lawyers you know were admitted to practice at one time and then "disbarred" simply because they suffered from a mental illness?
In doing some quick research on the web, I find mention of mental illness in the rules for bar admission of only a couple states. And none of them are so anachronous or compassionless as to "disbar" a licensed practicing lawyer solely for suffering from a mental illness, recognizing the problem, and seeking help.
Montana mentions "mental illness" in its definition of "fitness" to practice, which applies to "prospective" attorneys seeking admission. California makes mention in the context of offering its Lawyer Assistance Program to those lawyers who need help. Ohio talks about mental illness and petitions for reinstatement brought before the The Board of Commissioners on Grievances and Discipline of the Ohio Supreme Court, but refers only to lawyers who have been suspended for disciplinary reasons which may be related to mental infirmity (but not for suspension for the infirmity itself.) The closest thing I can find is in the Rules of Admission and Practice of the US Court of Appeals, which provides for the Court to refer to the "Committee" (didn't look far enough to see what comprises this body) for examination of fitness any lawyer practicing before the US Court of Appeals whenever it appears to the Court that a person who has been admitted to practice may be incapacitated by reason of mental infirmity or illness or because of the use of drugs or intoxicants. Again, this suspension would require a finding of incapacity, not just that the lawyer in question was labeled with a diagnosis.
I think this is still an "innocent until proven guilty" society. It would seem logical, to me, that once admitted to the state bar, and having committed no offense which would warrant disbarment or suspension, rather than the lawyer having the burden of proof concerning fitness despite mental fitness, the bar would have to prove lack thereof. Am I missing something?
Sorry, you hit on one of my triggers: The Stigma of Mental Illness and its relation to the willingness of the ill to ask for help. A blind lawyer is at an obvious disadvantage, but, having been admitted to the Bar, unless he/she gives the Bar some reason to believe that the disability is a danger to potential clients, society would be outraged if that disability justified disbarment.
One person who had passed the bar exam, who had had a label over ten years earlier, was denied admission and the ability to practice law.
The other I think had let his license lapse, and when he tried to get it back, he could not.
This is in New York.
There was some celebrated court case of a woman in this situation which was lost, can't remember the state or if it was in federal court. A place like the Bazelon Center for Mental Health Law in Washington would probably know.
At the risk of pissing you off...
None of what I say should be construed as an insult to you, because it applies to everybody who's had ECT, including me.
There are very good reasons why I would not want a lawyer who has brain damage, and they have nothing to do with "the Stigma of Mental Illness", but only with the reality of brain damage.
Now, there are many lawyer jobs that are desk jobs or don't involve much intelligence or skill and which wouldn't be noticeably affected, such as being a Guardian ad litem where all you have to do is show up. I doubt ECT would intervene with the ability to do these things.
Also there are behind the scenes jobs in law firms that do trials, such as doing research and writing briefs, that you could probably do with brain damage, albeit much more slowly than someone without it. Ethically, if you were hired for a job like that, you ought to charge half of what a normal person would charge, because otherwise it's not fair to the firm. A good rule of thumb for brain damage, I've found, is that it takes you twice as long as anyone else to do work that requires mental effort.
What I think you could not do is handle a courtroom. You just wouldn't be able to think quickly enough to be effective. And so you shouldn't sign on to represent clients, because you wouldn't want them to have to settle a case just because you couldn't handle a trial, and you wouldn't want them to be represented by you at trial when that would put them at such a disadvantage.
But here's the bigger trickier ethical question: is it ethical to represent yourself as a lawyer at all (or whatever you've been before) if you've sustained brain damage?
Though being a lawyer may not take a lot of brain power, getting in to law school does. And people are just naturally going to assume that you, today, after ECT, have the brain power to do that, when you well may have lost it.
(I looked into getting a law degree post shock. A bit of study and taking the LSAT shot that idea down. Quite simply, it requires exactly the type of analytical thinking most affected by ECT. My scores wouldn't have gotten me in anywhere.) I had fewer than half the shocks you have had. Prior to ECT, at an IQ of over 140, do you think I would have aced the LSAT?
If, today, after 26 shocks, you would no longer be able to get into law school, let alone complete it, let alone get hired anywhere, how can you present yourself as someone who has done those things? You may think you'd still be able to do these things, but how do you know?
I decided, after a lot of soul searching, that I would no longer represent myself as someone who has graduated from college, and would fill out all forms with a clear conscience indicating my highest educational experience was "high school". To do otherwise would be dishonest and unethical. Because after having lost so much of my IQ, I cannot lay claim to my pre-shock achievements. It feels, and just is, wrong, even though of course I could get away with it. There's no box to check for "had college education, but it was erased by ECT." But that is exactly what happened to me, and I won't pretend otherwise.
Anonymous: First, pissing me off is acceptable, provided you do so in the rational, thoughtful, respectful and professional in which you did it. Don’t sweat it.
I understand your point, and I think it could be a good one. I think, however, that there are several major “holes” in your position.
The assumption I noted throughout your comment is that I have suffered “brain damage.” I know that there are studies for both sides stating that ECT does damage the brain and that it does not. I think the degree of brain damage is as variable as the degree to which ECT is effective in relieving a patient’s depression (or whatever illness is being targeted.) Its variation is no different than the difference in side effects that any two people might experience from taking the same medication. I would argue, and I think argue sincerely, that I haven’t suffered what I or most would consider “brain damage.” Sure, my memory is pretty spotty from a couple of months prior to starting treatments through today (although much less so now that my treatments are getting further and further apart.) But loss of IQ and inability to perform tasks related to my education and experience? I don’t see that.
Now, even assuming damage to the brain, a client is looking at the operating level of the professional being hired to perform services. Consider a scenario in which pre-ECT I was superior in skill to other lawyers in the marketplace, but the current going rate for the legal services in question was $X, and so I and those lawyers to whom I was superior (pre-ECT) were being paid the same rate. Posit now a situation in which, post-ECT, my intellect, knowledge, skill level, etc. has been diminished to a point making me comparable to those other lawyers. Where, then, is the damage or unfair representation to the client resulting from the fee I charge?
I have worked in entirely transactional environments, mostly contracts and services related thereto. I also think that quality of service, over a relatively short period of time, would bear out any deficits in service or differences from pre- to post-ECT related to ECT. I know that if I were to go back to work for the same person I worked with in the past (which I am considering doing), and I wasn’t the same skilled transactional lawyer I was then, it would rather conspicuous pretty quickly, and he would let me know. At that point, instead of assuming now some level of brain damage that is yet to be shown, any problem could be addressed.
Now, I DO take issue and am a bit offended by your reference to a “normal” person in comparison to an ECT patient. Define for me this thing you refer to as “normal”. How many “normal people do YOU know? I don’t know many, if any. How about the lawyer that comes to work with a hangover, or whose spouse or child passes away causing emotional distress? While these things might be more short term than an attorney with “brain damage”, everyone varies from day to day in their level of proficiency, good days and bad. “Normal” is an imaginary status. Consider the lawyer that is prescribed Xanax for an anxiety problem (there are a lot of them). They probably have a little slower mental processing speed than pre-medication, but I doubt they all adjust their billing rate. And again, I am a believer in our free market society. I believe that the market corrects itself, requiring vendors of goods and services to sell their goods and services for a price which the market will bear. If the assumed “brain damage” is sufficient to cause a material difference in the level of service from the ECT patient, then, assuming astute management or clients or judges or colleagues, these deficits would be noticed, and the pricing of the lawyers services would be adequately adjusted.
You might very well be correct about performance in court, or in situations which require quick thinking on one’s feet. I am sure that, at present, while my intelligence doesn’t seem to be negatively affected, my ability to recall information and respond quickly has been negatively affected. First, assuming that the APA studies are accurate, and assuming that I am not in the minority of patients who suffer permanent losses, I fully expect my recall and response time to continue to improve and to return completely.
I think another aspect that we have to evaluate is the fact that, even in my current temporarily impaired condition, my level of functionality is still, arguably, higher than that of before treatment when I was morbidly depressed and basically uninterested in the consequences of my actions on tomorrow. I would have been of much more threat to a client then than I am now. Depression, mine anyway, greatly impaired my mental abilities and my ability to perform my profession at full capacity.
In response to your “bigger and trickier” issue, yes, I think it is ethical to represent myself as a lawyer. Your position seems to say that everyone having ECT should ethically be prohibited from taking credit for pre-ECT experience and education and basically “start over” with regard to career. That just doesn’t seem reasonable to me. While you might be hitting on the reality of ECT rather than the stigma, this position certainly places a stereotypical label on ECT patients that just doesn’t hold true across the board.
There is no question that people change over time. I know older lawyers that don’t have the performance ability that they had when they were younger, sharper, and more aggressive. Just because they age, they aren’t expected to modify their list of credentials. Many of them are paid more because they have more experience, but in reality, they can recall less and less of what the experience has taught them the older they get! I AM still a licensed lawyer. I will, again soon, be able to perform at or near my previous level of performance, and I would expect the market to make correction to the extent that that isn’t true. And, the reason I am not working now (and I am not working, but I’m chomping at the bit but adhering to the professional instruction I am getting from my doctor) is because my facilities are not at full capacity, and I understand that.
Thanks for your comment. Very thought provoking. I welcome your response. Give yourself a screen name so I don’t have to call you “Anonymous”, will ya? I already have too many of those.
Demental, the only way to know whether you've sustained brain damage is to be tested on a standard battery of neuropsychological tests designed to detect brain damage. You can also have a brain scan, and even if you haven't an earlier one for comparison, it will be possible to compare yourself to someone normal your age. And by normal, I simply meant someone who hasn't sustained brain damage, and so is normal (for them).
The brain injury field is pretty much of the opinion that you ought to let your brain heal for a year and at that point whatever damage there is, is permanent. Now, how can that work when you keep sustaining fresh damage once a month? I don't know. I guess you intend to keep on shocking yourself for life?
So wait a few more months, then get the tests. Then compare your IQ, etc. to what you were before.
There is a seminal article in the ECT literature, the first first-person narrative ever published. It was in the New Yorker, I think Sept. 9, 1974. It was about a woman with 20 plus years of high paid technical professional expertise. She had shock. Like you, she felt better. Like you, she hung around at home for a while, feeling fine.
Then she went back to work. And her brain was empty. She could not work, and she could not relearn, though she tried valiantly.
She had to retire on disability.
There is a quote from her that goes something like: "If I hadn't been a professional woman, I would have thought I was perfectly whole and fine."
The article's title is As Empty as Eve.
Be very careful of making assumptions until you place demands on your intellect.
Anony: I will respond simply that your opinion is yours to have, and that you are citing literature on ECT that is 22 years old. Medicine DOES advance over time, and by most accounts, the field of ECT has made advances since the 70s. You can scan my brain all you want, but nothing will tell me the health of my brain better than my own assesment. But I will grant you that, until I give it a good test drive, I might not have a good read on how well things are working.
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