Epiphany
For all of those loyal readers, those who have been following this blog since its start and commenting and stuff, I apologize, sincerely, for my lack of posts over the last week or two. All I can say is that things have been good, which means that things have been busy.
Today, I went snowboarding. This is the first day, all year, that I have been on my board. I got one day last year, and that was it. The year before that, 2 days. Disgraceful. There was a time, when I was in law school, when 30 days in a year was a minimum. One year (I think it was my 2nd year of law school), I logged 53 days! Anyway, I digress. I was driving the 80 minutes to the ski area, alone, listening to music and thinking. I realized, for the first time, how different things are now as compared to before ECT began. I got to this point in a strange line of thought, but I was thinking about when my car tags expire: June. I was thinking about when I bought my Jeep, June, and where things stood then. Its strange how, when things change gradually and slowly, you can miss the change altogether. Its like as you age, you don't notice the changes in your face or hair or body, until you look at a picture from 20 years earlier. Suddenly, you realize how much things have evolved.
I'm going to make a statement, despite some of the comments this blog has received recently. Its a bold comment. Its a comment that, today, is true. And its been true, for the most part, generally over the last couple of weeks, with some minor exceptions. I can only hope that I can continue to live up to this statement in the days to come, and that I am not premature or misguided. Here goes: I AM BACK! I don't mean that I'm just like I was way back long ago before my illness began. I will never be that person again. If for no other reason, I can never go there again simply because I have aged, matured, experienced life and grown. What I mean is that, there used to be a guy that inhabited this body, a guy that enjoyed living, that liked himself (for the most part), and that was fun to be around at least some of the time. That guy has been gone for 5 or 6 years, minimum. Another guy has been living here. He hated life, was pretending that life was going like it should be, he hated himself and almost everyone and everything around him, and would have been perfectly content not living another day. That guy's GONE.
I realized, today, just how far things have come. I had an absolute BALL today, from the time I left until I got home. I had FUN today and enjoyed living (and realized it) for the first time in as long as I can remember (granted, that my memory is a shambles at present.) Now, I was by myself, it was colder than Hades, snowing HARD, and the wind was blowing 15-25 MPH all day. I couldn't tell the ground from the sky most of the day. I'm out of snowboard shape, and generally out of practice in a big way. It could have been a really BAD day. But nothing, I mean nothing, was bad about today. My face will be sore tomorrow from smiling so much (actually, there won't be much of me that won't be sore tomorrow.)
The last couple of weeks have been filled with looking at employment opportunity. I practiced law for 9 years, then opened and ran my own coffee business for 2 years, then worked in the mortgage business for 4 years. It was somewhere at the end of being a lawyer and running my business when I first noticed the depression. From then through November '05, I have been in a depression tailspin. I haven't even been able to consider returning to practicing law for the last 5 years. I have slowly worked my way from the upper echelon of the mortgage business (making pretty good money) to the lowest level of the business, making less and less money and being less and less happy. It is from this lowest level of mortgage that I am currently on medical leave. It is this lowest level of mortgage that I absolutely will NOT be returning to when I return to work. I am certain, in my present condition, that the possibility of returning to a law practice is a reality. If not now, then in the near future. I may not operate at my previous capacity or with the same mental tools that I once had, but (excuse me for saying so), at a fraction of my previous capacity, I'm as good as most lawyers out there.
Are things perfect? No. Will they ever be? No. Am I as good as I once was, mentally, physically, or in any other respect? I don't know, and it doesn't really matter. I am what I am, and I'm damned happy with where I am. Every one of us gets out of bed every day and does the best we can with what we have. I can expect nothing more from myself than that. That's what I was doing while I was sick. Its simply that, now, when I get out of bed and do the best that I can, I have more to work with than I did a few months ago. What I had 5 or 6 years ago is nothing more than a memory. I can let it be an anchor. I can let it be painful if I dwell on now versus then. But the fact is that to get the most out of life, from here forward, all I can really do is maximize what I have, who I am, and what I can contribute NOW. I can only reasonably look at the past as part of what makes me who I am now. Tomorrow is another day. I hope its as good as today was.
Today, I went snowboarding. This is the first day, all year, that I have been on my board. I got one day last year, and that was it. The year before that, 2 days. Disgraceful. There was a time, when I was in law school, when 30 days in a year was a minimum. One year (I think it was my 2nd year of law school), I logged 53 days! Anyway, I digress. I was driving the 80 minutes to the ski area, alone, listening to music and thinking. I realized, for the first time, how different things are now as compared to before ECT began. I got to this point in a strange line of thought, but I was thinking about when my car tags expire: June. I was thinking about when I bought my Jeep, June, and where things stood then. Its strange how, when things change gradually and slowly, you can miss the change altogether. Its like as you age, you don't notice the changes in your face or hair or body, until you look at a picture from 20 years earlier. Suddenly, you realize how much things have evolved.
I'm going to make a statement, despite some of the comments this blog has received recently. Its a bold comment. Its a comment that, today, is true. And its been true, for the most part, generally over the last couple of weeks, with some minor exceptions. I can only hope that I can continue to live up to this statement in the days to come, and that I am not premature or misguided. Here goes: I AM BACK! I don't mean that I'm just like I was way back long ago before my illness began. I will never be that person again. If for no other reason, I can never go there again simply because I have aged, matured, experienced life and grown. What I mean is that, there used to be a guy that inhabited this body, a guy that enjoyed living, that liked himself (for the most part), and that was fun to be around at least some of the time. That guy has been gone for 5 or 6 years, minimum. Another guy has been living here. He hated life, was pretending that life was going like it should be, he hated himself and almost everyone and everything around him, and would have been perfectly content not living another day. That guy's GONE.
I realized, today, just how far things have come. I had an absolute BALL today, from the time I left until I got home. I had FUN today and enjoyed living (and realized it) for the first time in as long as I can remember (granted, that my memory is a shambles at present.) Now, I was by myself, it was colder than Hades, snowing HARD, and the wind was blowing 15-25 MPH all day. I couldn't tell the ground from the sky most of the day. I'm out of snowboard shape, and generally out of practice in a big way. It could have been a really BAD day. But nothing, I mean nothing, was bad about today. My face will be sore tomorrow from smiling so much (actually, there won't be much of me that won't be sore tomorrow.)
The last couple of weeks have been filled with looking at employment opportunity. I practiced law for 9 years, then opened and ran my own coffee business for 2 years, then worked in the mortgage business for 4 years. It was somewhere at the end of being a lawyer and running my business when I first noticed the depression. From then through November '05, I have been in a depression tailspin. I haven't even been able to consider returning to practicing law for the last 5 years. I have slowly worked my way from the upper echelon of the mortgage business (making pretty good money) to the lowest level of the business, making less and less money and being less and less happy. It is from this lowest level of mortgage that I am currently on medical leave. It is this lowest level of mortgage that I absolutely will NOT be returning to when I return to work. I am certain, in my present condition, that the possibility of returning to a law practice is a reality. If not now, then in the near future. I may not operate at my previous capacity or with the same mental tools that I once had, but (excuse me for saying so), at a fraction of my previous capacity, I'm as good as most lawyers out there.
Are things perfect? No. Will they ever be? No. Am I as good as I once was, mentally, physically, or in any other respect? I don't know, and it doesn't really matter. I am what I am, and I'm damned happy with where I am. Every one of us gets out of bed every day and does the best we can with what we have. I can expect nothing more from myself than that. That's what I was doing while I was sick. Its simply that, now, when I get out of bed and do the best that I can, I have more to work with than I did a few months ago. What I had 5 or 6 years ago is nothing more than a memory. I can let it be an anchor. I can let it be painful if I dwell on now versus then. But the fact is that to get the most out of life, from here forward, all I can really do is maximize what I have, who I am, and what I can contribute NOW. I can only reasonably look at the past as part of what makes me who I am now. Tomorrow is another day. I hope its as good as today was.
posted by DeMental at 3:56 PM
3 Comments:
Interesting read... I can see parallels with my own journey re. depression... Sometimes I feel I am back... sometimes I know it is not the case. Am unsure whether the overcoming of the dep. stays static... It's a journey out - adaptation... I actually am frightened now of feeling ok..Ok will do me... You hit on a really salient feature of wellness post illness... Life has gone on... all has changed irrevocably... I apprec. your honesty. Working in healthcare is a nightmare when the dep hits as it has for past week... I have to stretch my face into a resemblance of a smile for the patients... Irony is I currently work in psych.& have worked in healthcare for years. (Depression is my dirty secret) For me i cannot afford to bask in my depression... Literally have to force myself up and out the door and keep walking... I dont take antideps which riles ppl who i trust and disclose to.. I keep a big box hidden away in case the suicidal ideation peaks... Thanks for ur blog.. Keep posting.. I find it inspiring reading...Oh something that may be interesting other than my navel gazing. A new form of therapy called ACT - acceptance & committment therapy is apparently the new kid on the block for dep etc... Is brainchild of pscychologist Steven Hayes. He states "Happiness is not normal" which amuses me greatly. Keep ur blog happening... its a good read
I am so sincerely delighted at how you are doing. Your strength is inspiring. I have no doubt that the unwaivering support from you wonderful wife has helped you in this journey. It's hard to stand by someone in such crisis.
I wish you the very best in continued recovery. Please keep blogging. It gives us all hope that we can achieve that too.
That is good that you are seeing a new side to your depression. Even though your "not out of the woods yet" so to speak. You seeing that you are a changed person, but it's not all bad. I had to realize that too. I had a very bad turn but I was never suidical. I know the deepest pits of depression, and how far down they go. Where you brain won't even turn on. I was in bed for 24 hours on more than one occasion. I enjoyed this post.
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