A day of revelation.
Got up early today to get my quick workout (30 minute treadmill walk and bicep weight workout) in before my therapist appointment. I went intending to talk to Mark about something specific, but we wound up talking about something entirely different. We talked, really, about starting to think about beginning my “new” career, and about “getting out of the box” and employing some creativity as I start thinking about returning to work. About being creative in employing my education and skill set, instead of just jumping back into the same muddy water I crawled out of.
5 years ago, I was Assistant General Counsel for a publicly held corporation. It was a big job which required the qualifications and education that I had/have. I worked hard to get to where I was, and I worked hard at my job, developing a great set of skills along the way. Since then, and since depression became part of my life, I have slowly abandoned that skill set and allowed my professional role, the prestige, compensation, and importance, to erode. Looking back, after the failure of my coffee business (2002), I have worked in the mortgage business in less and less lucrative and powerful roles. My last job, which I am still expected to return to once I am “better and able” could be done by anyone. It was a meaningless job with meaningless pay and meaningless security. Needless to say, I am not returning to that job under any circumstances. But the “what are you going to do when you grow up?” question has had several answers over the last several months. Answers that have varied based on where in my treatment I was at that time, what I thought I “wanted” to do, and what I thought I would be able to deal with psychologically.
Most recently, I have considered doing something with little or no stress, because I thought I needed that. I have considered, at least for the short term, working as a waiter in a high end restaurant or working in a grocery store (mostly for the union security.) Those job ideas were mostly just hold-overs until I decided what I really want to do, and what works for me psychologically.
My conversation with Mark today took a different path. Mark mentioned that he has a couple of other clients that are lawyers and that were, at one time, miserable in their jobs. All 3 of them used to work in private practice in both small and large firms. Places where the prestige, compensation, and ego factor are way up there. Also places where the pressure is high, the whip is cracking on a constant basis, demanding more production, and with a work environment typically thought of when one mentions “practicing law.” But all three now work for some faction of the government, and all three love their work. One works prosecuting corporations that harm the environment, one works helping the poor find housing, and the other works for the Attorney General. All of them feel that they are contributing something meaningful, they like the work environment, they have great benefits and security, the pay is modest but sufficient, and the hours and work expectations are well defined. In addition, I have a very close friend who used to practice trial law in Dallas. Due to medical issues, it became difficult for him to continue that practice and he now is a worker’s comp judge. He, also, (I think…) enjoys his work and is secure in his job.
These aren’t the “LA Law” kinds of jobs (if you’re too young to remember LA Law, good for you.) They aren’t glitzy. None of these people are going to get rich in these jobs, and they know that to be true going in. They also know that the demand for these positions, as compared to those glamour lawyer jobs, is minimal. 10 years ago, if you mentioned to me working in the government as a lawyer, I would have laughed at you, pointed out that you can’t make any money in that role, and not thought anything more about it. But today, I’m looking at things through different lenses. Making lots of money is great, and I’ve been there and done that. I recognize the benefits more money brings. I also see where my previous path has gotten me. But adding certainty to my life, defining what my future and retirement look like (to any degree), defining my work day, job expectations, hours, pay, and benefits all have significant value that I wouldn’t have recognized earlier in my life because those things are all contradictory (to some degree) to higher income.
Nonetheless, the job characteristics I mentioned above are the things that would provide a peace of mind that I might have never had, at at a minimum, a serenity that I left behind at my last lawyer job. Those things have such value that, if they require me to give up some income in exchange for that peace of mind and an income merely sufficient for survival, then the question of “what should I do? Becomes an easy one to answer. Stability, predictability, uniformity and a feeling that my work, whatever it is, has meaning are features that I will be seeking as I look for the beginning of my new career. Likewise, I will be looking to return to using my education and my skills, either in the typical sense, or in some other, more creative, sense.
This evening, there was much discourse in my house. My son was not doing well, obsessing over a couple of things, throwing some major fits and getting long with no one. That leads, usually, to my wife defending him, and her and I not getting along. In the past, that strain between my wife and I would have put me into a quick tailspin, my mood would have plummeted, and I would have withdrawn into the basement and spent the rest of the night there alone and away from the rest of my family. Tonight, I didn’t let it bother me. I saw things for what they were, a simple disagreement on how my son’s issues should have been handled, and I went on with my evening. I’m giving ECT credit for that improvement.
5 years ago, I was Assistant General Counsel for a publicly held corporation. It was a big job which required the qualifications and education that I had/have. I worked hard to get to where I was, and I worked hard at my job, developing a great set of skills along the way. Since then, and since depression became part of my life, I have slowly abandoned that skill set and allowed my professional role, the prestige, compensation, and importance, to erode. Looking back, after the failure of my coffee business (2002), I have worked in the mortgage business in less and less lucrative and powerful roles. My last job, which I am still expected to return to once I am “better and able” could be done by anyone. It was a meaningless job with meaningless pay and meaningless security. Needless to say, I am not returning to that job under any circumstances. But the “what are you going to do when you grow up?” question has had several answers over the last several months. Answers that have varied based on where in my treatment I was at that time, what I thought I “wanted” to do, and what I thought I would be able to deal with psychologically.
Most recently, I have considered doing something with little or no stress, because I thought I needed that. I have considered, at least for the short term, working as a waiter in a high end restaurant or working in a grocery store (mostly for the union security.) Those job ideas were mostly just hold-overs until I decided what I really want to do, and what works for me psychologically.
My conversation with Mark today took a different path. Mark mentioned that he has a couple of other clients that are lawyers and that were, at one time, miserable in their jobs. All 3 of them used to work in private practice in both small and large firms. Places where the prestige, compensation, and ego factor are way up there. Also places where the pressure is high, the whip is cracking on a constant basis, demanding more production, and with a work environment typically thought of when one mentions “practicing law.” But all three now work for some faction of the government, and all three love their work. One works prosecuting corporations that harm the environment, one works helping the poor find housing, and the other works for the Attorney General. All of them feel that they are contributing something meaningful, they like the work environment, they have great benefits and security, the pay is modest but sufficient, and the hours and work expectations are well defined. In addition, I have a very close friend who used to practice trial law in Dallas. Due to medical issues, it became difficult for him to continue that practice and he now is a worker’s comp judge. He, also, (I think…) enjoys his work and is secure in his job.
These aren’t the “LA Law” kinds of jobs (if you’re too young to remember LA Law, good for you.) They aren’t glitzy. None of these people are going to get rich in these jobs, and they know that to be true going in. They also know that the demand for these positions, as compared to those glamour lawyer jobs, is minimal. 10 years ago, if you mentioned to me working in the government as a lawyer, I would have laughed at you, pointed out that you can’t make any money in that role, and not thought anything more about it. But today, I’m looking at things through different lenses. Making lots of money is great, and I’ve been there and done that. I recognize the benefits more money brings. I also see where my previous path has gotten me. But adding certainty to my life, defining what my future and retirement look like (to any degree), defining my work day, job expectations, hours, pay, and benefits all have significant value that I wouldn’t have recognized earlier in my life because those things are all contradictory (to some degree) to higher income.
Nonetheless, the job characteristics I mentioned above are the things that would provide a peace of mind that I might have never had, at at a minimum, a serenity that I left behind at my last lawyer job. Those things have such value that, if they require me to give up some income in exchange for that peace of mind and an income merely sufficient for survival, then the question of “what should I do? Becomes an easy one to answer. Stability, predictability, uniformity and a feeling that my work, whatever it is, has meaning are features that I will be seeking as I look for the beginning of my new career. Likewise, I will be looking to return to using my education and my skills, either in the typical sense, or in some other, more creative, sense.
This evening, there was much discourse in my house. My son was not doing well, obsessing over a couple of things, throwing some major fits and getting long with no one. That leads, usually, to my wife defending him, and her and I not getting along. In the past, that strain between my wife and I would have put me into a quick tailspin, my mood would have plummeted, and I would have withdrawn into the basement and spent the rest of the night there alone and away from the rest of my family. Tonight, I didn’t let it bother me. I saw things for what they were, a simple disagreement on how my son’s issues should have been handled, and I went on with my evening. I’m giving ECT credit for that improvement.
posted by DeMental at 3:38 PM
5 Comments:
"I have worked in the mortgage business in less and less lucrative and powerful roles. My last job, which I am still expected to return to once I am “better and able” could be done by anyone. It was a meaningless job with meaningless pay and meaningless security."
I am not sure I like that statement, considering I work in the mortgage business......
I don't suggest that the entire industry reflects my experience. I am suggesting that I have 5 extra years of higher education (JD and MBA) that I wasn't using. My first mortgage job was as an independent Loan Officer. It had meaning, and was lucrative. My next position was with a home builder's mortgage company, my market was captive and fed to me, but it was still lucrative, just more dictated. My next positions were with builder lenders, and they each paid less, required less skill, and were very stressful (my "current job" is very stressful, is nothing more than a pencil pushing sales job, has no security, and pays less than 33% of my last law job.) If I'm going to take less money, then there has to be some trade-off in the areas of security, benefits, job satisfaction and/or work environment.
I must confess my ignorance in how blogs and all of this works - maybe I'll get through, maybe I won't - not sure it realy matters.
Anyway, a friend pointed out your blog, so today I scanned it. I stress scanned because I don't have a lot of time to study anymore.
I will say this, the most, Most, MOST impressive thing about you is that you want to get well. That means you recognize you have a problem, which in turn means you seek help for yourself before laying your problems on everyone else. That is indeed impressive and I think unusual - ask Mark.
I will tell you that I see things more from Melissa's side, but maybe not like her. Our situations are somewhat different.
I do not have a child who is afflicted with mental illness. My child, so far is fine. My wife (my ex-wife) is severely afflicted. They (the one's with the degrees, like Mark) tell me it's unusual for someone to have two illnesses. You, for example seem to have one - bipolar or manic-depression. My wife (ex) has that in spades, but add to that schizophrenic features, and a third (unheard of in mental health science according to the degrees) persecutory paranoia.
I tried so hard to make our marriage work. I could handle the depression (although you talk about a mental illness that has high potential for contagion, that's it). I could handle the schizophrenia once I got used to the signs and understood what it was. The paranoia was the breaking point.
Once she became paranoid of me (and her psychiatrist) and the violence escalated from emotional to potentially physical, I acted.
So now, my house is peaceful, my daughter happy, my ex-wife unhappy, but at least accepting that she has a problem and beginning, like you, to seek treatment. Not yet embracing it even though she's been through multiple drug thereapies and ECT - anything but counceling. Maybe not aware that science is not going to be magic and the cure might actually require participation on the part of the afflicted.
I think that one of the very cool things about you is you seem to embrace the counseling. Does Melissa ever go with you? After the first psychotic episode for which my wife (ex) was Baker acted, I went to therapy with her - one time. After that, it was "I don't need someone to tell me how to live my life." She/so we, never went again.
She's now been Baker acted 4-times, and is currently in the hospital.
One of her biggest problems was work. She absolutely could not work for someone else in any kind of structured environment. I don't want to give you the wrong impression, it's not like she was openly hostile or anything like that, it was that it just couldn't work work out for whatever reason.
I had/have a great job. Pays a lot of money, takes a lot of education and effort and paid/pays all the bills.
For 12 years prior to our divorce, My wife was a stay-at-home mom. I was very proud of her, but careful not to put any pressure on her to continue doing so. Like you, she seemed to measure her self-worth by the money she brought into the household. It did not matter the intangible quality of her contributions. When I tried to point them out, they only made her madder. So, I became neutral. She could work, she could be a stay-at-home mom I would support whatever it was she wanted to do as far as I could. I tried to make it her choice.
Total failure. Because she knew that I would not easily risk our hard-won gains (a house, my daughter's education, ...) on an ill-thought out business. So, that's what she focused on.
Her ideas were to come up with start-up businesses (like a lingerie store, heavy equipment auctioneering, ...) that would obviously take all of our combined energy and bankrupt the family - things she new, given my financial conservatism, I would never go for. So, I became the heavy.
The last 2 or 3 paragraphs were my life for 12 years. I still have my great job, it pays for my household needs, my ex-wife's household needs, not the least of which is her medical insurance, and not much else.
Financially we are where we were: a 6 figure salary and living paycheck-to-paycheck. The difference now is that I have peace in my house, a commodity which in my experience is priceless. I can focus on something other than extreme strife and stress. All-in -all I say a great deal. But I also wonder if I could have made reality better...
So, I say f*** work unless it is the only recource to put food on the table. If Mellissa is handling that and telling you not to worry, then you concentrate on making Mellissa happy (my guess is that means getting your head right, mostly, but don't forget the other things, IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU).
But, ultimately, we all have hurdles. Maybe yours are higher than some, but they are only hurdles just the same. So, at some point, there's a balance between chemicals, electricity, and responsibility that you will have to deal with. As you approach that realism, keep thinking, I'm just going to do it. It being what you can define. Nobody needed to tell you to get a JD, but you did it. You are capable, so define something that has absolutely no benefit to you, but benefits those you love (it CANNOT HURT any of them so no self serving suicide B.S)
Remember, if it's important Melissa will let you know. You are fortunate that you have her. If she ultimately goes, then you have one, and only one, responsibility: GET FREAKIN' OVER IT. You can do it. It'll take thought, commitment to yourself, and attitude (the right attitude) but you can do it.
Somone who wishes he had what maybe Melissa has ...
To anonymous: Thanks for your comment. I empathize with what you are dealing with, because I know what my wife has had to endure. luckily for me, she has chosen to endure it instead of taking off. No one could blame her if she left.
Therapy is a good thing, but honestly, my therapist doesn't really provide much in the way of mental healing. He certainly directs me, from time to time, when I stray from the best path. And he was great about getting me to agree to be admitted to the hospital when I needed that. But otherwise, most of my improvement has resulted from treatment, my family and friends, and, as you mentioned, a strong desire to get better. It was either get better, or die trying.
mike, someone from your college is my sister's best friend - she used to work in a high powered DC job, but now works for the Attorney General... I can put you guys in touch, and maybe you can just talk about that kind of job... also, my youngest brother's girlfriend is high up in the EEOC.... bet she might have some interesting ideas, too... you never know.
Post a Comment
<< Home