Bio or Psycho?

Today has been a pretty good day. Its hard to have a bad day when your tax guy tells you you are getting a big chunk of cash back. That'll help supplement the disability insurance income!

I made an appointment with my therapist for this evening. I was supposed to see him Monday, but went for ECT instead. I'm having trouble telling what part of my mood shifts are biological (which would be helped by ECT/meds) and what part is psychological. I'm beating myself up quite a bit because I'm not working, and I really don't think I could return to the job I was in before starting ECT. Likewise, as I think about it, I just can't come up with many, if any, jobs that I think I could handle right now. When I was feeling at my best, there were several jobs I applied for that I was pretty sure I could handle. None, however, which pay as much as I am accustomed to making. And I don't want to lose my disability for sake of working a job making less money. Especially if I wind up having a problem with that job when and if my mood crashes again. Not sure if I'm making sense, but I'm trying to provide an example of the loops my mind is going through daily.

I'm not good at sitting at home and being unproductive. I need to feel like I am participating and providing for my family. Even if that participation is working at a grocery store or Home Depot or something equally beneath my past professional level. But I guess I am sort of afraid of a job of that type and what it might do to my self esteem, and mood stability and my income.

These issues are things that I don't really think are resulting from a chemical problem in my brain. I think these issues come from what I do with these thoughts and ideas as I have them. I haven't seen my therapist since before beginning ECT (and it just doesn't seem possible that that was more than 2 months ago!) It will be good to talk with him.