Trap Door to Hell
I had a terrible night’s sleep last night, or terrible for me anyway. I woke up freezing at one point and never got warm or back to sleep really good. I was also really sore from racquetball Thursday, and it hurt every time I moved, which woke me up often. Nonetheless, I woke up in a pretty good mood.
During the night, I had developed a craving for breakfast (eggs, bacon, hash browns, toast). So, When I woke up at 7:30, I decided that I had time to get breakfast at Waffle House before having to leave for Maggie’s basketball game at 9:00. I got up, and went for breakfast. I was in a good mood during all of this time, or at least I didn’t notice being in a bad mood or feeling any of the usual symptoms of my depression.
From the time we left for Maggie’s game forward, my mood worsened. I first noticed it when we got home. I was cleaning out my closet (something I had had on the list of “things to do” for some time. I had a couple hours before needing to leave for my shift at the Dumb Friends League (the “DFL”, the local animal shelter where I volunteer.) I hadn’t been to DFL since before I started ECT, about 2 months. Earlier in the week, I was excited to be going back. Its something I enjoy. Today, I really wasn’t looking forward to going.
I did my shift at DFL, but only because I felt like I had to. Its about 25 minutes drive from home to DFL. Too much time for me to be alone, thinking, when my head is heading in the wrong direction. It became obvious, during the drive, that the feeling good, being happy, looking forward to the future, and those feelings were gone. They weren’t sort of in the background. They were gone, and it felt like they had never been here. It was worse than if they had never been here, however. Now I felt bad, and I knew that I could feel good and I knew how that felt. I had the ability to miss those good feelings.
I fought my feelings for my 2 hours at DFL. It’s a 3 hour shift, but there were 2 of us today and not a whole lot of dogs to tend to, so it went quicker than usual. I was really glad. I just wanted out of there. I realized how miserable I was, and that I didn’t want to be there. I was aware of these things. But I couldn’t, despite trying, think of anywhere I wanted to be or anything I wanted to be doing. I just wanted to “turn off.” I wanted to not exist. I found myself, more than once, composing a revised suicide letter in my head. Apologizing to Melissa for everything I put here through, for nothing. Apologizing to Maggie for the pain I would be causing her for the sake of ending my own pain. I had the headache of my life from fighting back the tears. I so wanted to break down, right there in the yard where I walk dogs, and cry like a baby.
I can’t really figure out what I am so upset and sad about, where these feelings are coming from. It might be fear that I am and will be unable to support my family, that we will lose our home and all that we have because I can’t do what I need to do to keep those things. It might just be that I’m unhappy anywhere I am and doing whatever I’m doing, and I can’t get away from that unhappiness. It is SO confusing having these terrible feelings today, wanting to be dead, after feeling so good for many days prior.
Melissa reminded me that my P-Doc, the ECT doc, told me that if a relapse is going to occur, that its likely to occur in the first 6 weeks, sooner rather than later, and that it just means that we quit too soon. I’m glad that she reminded me of this fact. Its real easy to feel like a failure when all of this hard work and time and energy put into ECT turns to shit in the course of 24 hours.
I will do everything I can to survive until Monday. I have vowed to myself that I will NOT open the Word file that is my suicide letter. I won’t work on it even though I really want to. Because I know that I won’t allow myself to cross that threshold of no return without having said my peace to those in my life who I know I will be hurting when I leave.
You people out there reading the BLOG, please leave comments. Let me know you are out there. I need that right now.
During the night, I had developed a craving for breakfast (eggs, bacon, hash browns, toast). So, When I woke up at 7:30, I decided that I had time to get breakfast at Waffle House before having to leave for Maggie’s basketball game at 9:00. I got up, and went for breakfast. I was in a good mood during all of this time, or at least I didn’t notice being in a bad mood or feeling any of the usual symptoms of my depression.
From the time we left for Maggie’s game forward, my mood worsened. I first noticed it when we got home. I was cleaning out my closet (something I had had on the list of “things to do” for some time. I had a couple hours before needing to leave for my shift at the Dumb Friends League (the “DFL”, the local animal shelter where I volunteer.) I hadn’t been to DFL since before I started ECT, about 2 months. Earlier in the week, I was excited to be going back. Its something I enjoy. Today, I really wasn’t looking forward to going.
I did my shift at DFL, but only because I felt like I had to. Its about 25 minutes drive from home to DFL. Too much time for me to be alone, thinking, when my head is heading in the wrong direction. It became obvious, during the drive, that the feeling good, being happy, looking forward to the future, and those feelings were gone. They weren’t sort of in the background. They were gone, and it felt like they had never been here. It was worse than if they had never been here, however. Now I felt bad, and I knew that I could feel good and I knew how that felt. I had the ability to miss those good feelings.
I fought my feelings for my 2 hours at DFL. It’s a 3 hour shift, but there were 2 of us today and not a whole lot of dogs to tend to, so it went quicker than usual. I was really glad. I just wanted out of there. I realized how miserable I was, and that I didn’t want to be there. I was aware of these things. But I couldn’t, despite trying, think of anywhere I wanted to be or anything I wanted to be doing. I just wanted to “turn off.” I wanted to not exist. I found myself, more than once, composing a revised suicide letter in my head. Apologizing to Melissa for everything I put here through, for nothing. Apologizing to Maggie for the pain I would be causing her for the sake of ending my own pain. I had the headache of my life from fighting back the tears. I so wanted to break down, right there in the yard where I walk dogs, and cry like a baby.
I can’t really figure out what I am so upset and sad about, where these feelings are coming from. It might be fear that I am and will be unable to support my family, that we will lose our home and all that we have because I can’t do what I need to do to keep those things. It might just be that I’m unhappy anywhere I am and doing whatever I’m doing, and I can’t get away from that unhappiness. It is SO confusing having these terrible feelings today, wanting to be dead, after feeling so good for many days prior.
Melissa reminded me that my P-Doc, the ECT doc, told me that if a relapse is going to occur, that its likely to occur in the first 6 weeks, sooner rather than later, and that it just means that we quit too soon. I’m glad that she reminded me of this fact. Its real easy to feel like a failure when all of this hard work and time and energy put into ECT turns to shit in the course of 24 hours.
I will do everything I can to survive until Monday. I have vowed to myself that I will NOT open the Word file that is my suicide letter. I won’t work on it even though I really want to. Because I know that I won’t allow myself to cross that threshold of no return without having said my peace to those in my life who I know I will be hurting when I leave.
You people out there reading the BLOG, please leave comments. Let me know you are out there. I need that right now.
posted by DeMental at 4:12 PM
6 Comments:
Hang in there! Don't give in at this crucial juncture; you and your family have put too much into this to give up now based on one bad day at the dog pound.
I feel your pain and know exactly what you are going through. It is torture but you've got to persevere. Things are bound to get better. You've got an amazing background and your skills have got to fit in somewhere.
By all means, don't leave your wife to deal with your son's ailments, your suicide, and your daughter's great accomplishments, despite her family's turmoil.
Give it time. You will come around. I've got to tell you that the lowest Beck score I've ever gotten is 43 and I'm fighting for my life, even though I don't want to. I'm doing it for my 9 year old son and wife of 22 years. I know they deserve better than me, but they don't see it that way. I'm sure your family feels the same way.
Tough it out for a few days and go see your doctor. Know that there are many of us out here reading your blog and identifying with you. You are a trailblazer regarding ECT. My doctors have suggested this line of treatment, but it wasn't until I stumbled across your website that I really understood what it meant and what it entailed. You were a godsend to me and my wife. That should be of some consolation - you are helping others in the same condition. Don't quit now! We need to know what to do next.
Hello! I hope that you will keep holding on until you can see your p-doc or talk to someone about what you are going through. It is too tempting once you start playing around with the letter in your head or getting out the actual file to put it away. I'm speaking from my experience though: I know once I get started on that track, it is hard for me to get off it.
Take care and do something you like to distract yourself for a little bit.
Mike, dont you understand though, Melissa would much rather have YOU than to have the house! As long as you have a family that loves and supports you, the other is just gravy! They need you, dont let go of them. Melissa has fought so long for you, dont let her down and dont let yourself down. You are a fighter, I know that, please dont give up.
Mike...now would be a really good time to hear from you, please, blog soon.
To Anonymous (with the 9 year old and wife of 22 years): Thanks so much for your post. I would have e-mailed you directly had I had an address to do so. Your post was a great source of strength in that 2 days when all seemed lost again.
I know you said your doctor has suggested ECT as an approach. I have no regrets whatsoever for my choice. There are some side-effects (it makes me feel stupid sometimes), but I am certain that from where I am, with a correct taper and maybe periodic maintenance treatments, ECT will get me to a place I want to be. And know that I went this route despite my therapist, whom I respect and like, telling me horror stories about his friend from childhood who was "a zombie" afterward (a long time ago), and despite my psychiatrist, who I didn't really like anyway, firing me for going this route. Find an ECT doc you like, talk with him/her and ask your questions, and go for it.
If you want to talk a little privately, send me an e-mail address. Take care of yourself.
Hey - I'm still here.
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