Good solid day.
I had a great meeting with my therapist last evening. As I mentioned yesterday, I am/was having some significant trouble differentiating between biologically and psychologically driven concerns. I know that some of the trouble I had over the weekend, the suicidal ideation, crying, doubting whether I was ever feeling better, hopelessness, were resulting from tapering my ECT treatments too quickly. Those things improved after treatment on Monday. I also think some of the improvement after Monday was psychological and relative to the increasing pressure I am putting on myself to return to work. Because I was “done” with treatment, the pressure to return to work was growing quickly. After I had a treatment, whether I knew it or not at the time, the pressure was off. I couldn’t go back to work because I was being treated and so I got off of my own back.
My therapist (Mark) focused on one area: Where is the pressure to return to work coming from? Why do I feel this drive to get back to work as soon as possible? Melissa isn’t pushing me. She keeps telling me that we are financially sound until a certain point in the future, and that there is no hurry before that time. I’m still being paid “disability” insurance and, although its completely unimportant, my job is still there waiting for me when I’m ready to return. No one else is driving me. Its just me. I’m talking to people about going back to the practice of law, I’m submitting applications at Home Depot and grocery stores and book stores. Melissa suggested I talk to some upper-end restaurants about waiting tables 2 or 3 lunch shifts a week just to give me a feeling of doing something, but doing something I enjoy and that won’t have a negative effect on my health. Mark made the point that, knowing me as he does, he would expect me to be the last person to “milk” this situation and not return to work when appropriate. And that returning to work too soon, and then realizing that I wasn’t ready, it will be very hard to get back out. Just not going back until I’m ready is much easier to accomplish, and better for my mental health.
We talked about creating some objective criterion for assessing my readiness to return to work, and I agreed that, before making any decisions in that regard, that I will consult Mark, Melissa, or my ECT doc first. In fact, consulting my ECT doc seems to be a good idea anyway. As many patients as she has had, she has to have some good ideas about when its time to get back into normal life.
As of 3:00, there has been no negativity or noticeable mood issues today. I have been to the dentist for a crown replacement, read, done some writing, worked on a couple projects around the house, and been very level all day. I think that taking the pressure off of myself to hurry back to work is helping me stabilize.
Took my son out for dinner, just he and I. Some days, that’s not possible because of the clash between his mental illness and mine. Today, however, went well all day for me. I didn’t eat at all today. I had the dentist this morning, and then I was numb until about 1:00 and then just didn’t feel like eating. That’s not an easy thing for me. I’m too big a person (I’m about 6’2” and 230 lbs) to go all day without food. So Mic and I went to this Chinese buffet (mistake) and now I feel like I’m going to puke.
I made the mistake of reading other peoples’ submissions on the Internet regarding their own ECT experiences. Most seemed to be very negative, and now I’m nervous about my treatment tomorrow. Why reading from other people would make me nervous when I have 22 treatments of my own history, I have no idea, but it does.
My therapist (Mark) focused on one area: Where is the pressure to return to work coming from? Why do I feel this drive to get back to work as soon as possible? Melissa isn’t pushing me. She keeps telling me that we are financially sound until a certain point in the future, and that there is no hurry before that time. I’m still being paid “disability” insurance and, although its completely unimportant, my job is still there waiting for me when I’m ready to return. No one else is driving me. Its just me. I’m talking to people about going back to the practice of law, I’m submitting applications at Home Depot and grocery stores and book stores. Melissa suggested I talk to some upper-end restaurants about waiting tables 2 or 3 lunch shifts a week just to give me a feeling of doing something, but doing something I enjoy and that won’t have a negative effect on my health. Mark made the point that, knowing me as he does, he would expect me to be the last person to “milk” this situation and not return to work when appropriate. And that returning to work too soon, and then realizing that I wasn’t ready, it will be very hard to get back out. Just not going back until I’m ready is much easier to accomplish, and better for my mental health.
We talked about creating some objective criterion for assessing my readiness to return to work, and I agreed that, before making any decisions in that regard, that I will consult Mark, Melissa, or my ECT doc first. In fact, consulting my ECT doc seems to be a good idea anyway. As many patients as she has had, she has to have some good ideas about when its time to get back into normal life.
As of 3:00, there has been no negativity or noticeable mood issues today. I have been to the dentist for a crown replacement, read, done some writing, worked on a couple projects around the house, and been very level all day. I think that taking the pressure off of myself to hurry back to work is helping me stabilize.
Took my son out for dinner, just he and I. Some days, that’s not possible because of the clash between his mental illness and mine. Today, however, went well all day for me. I didn’t eat at all today. I had the dentist this morning, and then I was numb until about 1:00 and then just didn’t feel like eating. That’s not an easy thing for me. I’m too big a person (I’m about 6’2” and 230 lbs) to go all day without food. So Mic and I went to this Chinese buffet (mistake) and now I feel like I’m going to puke.
I made the mistake of reading other peoples’ submissions on the Internet regarding their own ECT experiences. Most seemed to be very negative, and now I’m nervous about my treatment tomorrow. Why reading from other people would make me nervous when I have 22 treatments of my own history, I have no idea, but it does.
posted by DeMental at 5:52 PM
3 Comments:
Thanks for the strong message, KJ. It was needed. I'm trying to lose the worry. Its just this need for control that I have...
You have always had the "blueprints" laid out for your life....law school, career, marriage, kids. You have always set goals and acheived them as you said, when you said....swimming, triathlons, marathons. But this time there may not be a set plan or map for what it is you are going to do, dont force yourself.
Kris: Thanks. I hadn't really looked at it that way, but you might be on to something. I KNOW that I have this control issue, and I try to get away from it sometimes, but never "really". This may be the time to really let things unfold as they will, without my control.
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