Rollercoaster Day
Played racquetball this morning with the usual Thursday morning guys. One thing I notice, for sure, is that my hand-eye coordination was off. I usually hit some shots that are better or worse than others, but I never just miss the ball. I have to relate the change to the treatment on Monday.
Basically, today was an ok day. I got the kids bathroom taped and painted. Have I mentioned that I hate to paint? And I got a few other things around the house done, including some job search things. Melissa keeps reminding me that my pdoc has told me that she hasn’t released me to return to work, that I have to treat all of this like a “brain injury”, and that it could take up to a year, once I’m solidly in remission, before I’m back to full speed. In the meantime, I have a family to feed, my long-term disability insurance (The Hartford) is giving me shit about there being a “pre-existing condition”, and SSI is sure to deny me the first time around. So, I’m looking for work.
This afternoon late, I don’t know where it came from, but I really got down on myself. Just a general self-loathing, “you are just a loser” kind of mentality. Not that we are anywhere near this stage, but I decided that under no circumstances would I move my family out of our home because I could support the cost of living there anymore. AKA, I will support my family in our home, or die trying. Now, I know that might sound like suicidal ideation creeping back into the picture, but I’m looking at it more of a way to stop worrying about money and work and making ends meet. “A place to live” seems to be the pinnacle of the worries that plague my head. If I can remove that worry, it seems that things will seem a little less troubling. The rationale of a twisted mind…
Basically, today was an ok day. I got the kids bathroom taped and painted. Have I mentioned that I hate to paint? And I got a few other things around the house done, including some job search things. Melissa keeps reminding me that my pdoc has told me that she hasn’t released me to return to work, that I have to treat all of this like a “brain injury”, and that it could take up to a year, once I’m solidly in remission, before I’m back to full speed. In the meantime, I have a family to feed, my long-term disability insurance (The Hartford) is giving me shit about there being a “pre-existing condition”, and SSI is sure to deny me the first time around. So, I’m looking for work.
This afternoon late, I don’t know where it came from, but I really got down on myself. Just a general self-loathing, “you are just a loser” kind of mentality. Not that we are anywhere near this stage, but I decided that under no circumstances would I move my family out of our home because I could support the cost of living there anymore. AKA, I will support my family in our home, or die trying. Now, I know that might sound like suicidal ideation creeping back into the picture, but I’m looking at it more of a way to stop worrying about money and work and making ends meet. “A place to live” seems to be the pinnacle of the worries that plague my head. If I can remove that worry, it seems that things will seem a little less troubling. The rationale of a twisted mind…
posted by DeMental at 1:32 PM
9 Comments:
I have been reading your blog for a while and am writing to you becuase i honestly believe your 'blog' is a complete and utter digrace. you have no right to share your uneducated views of this treatmen with the world.
my friend is 19 has been having ect for the past 6 months and in all the research both she and i have done there have been no side effects such as what you have mentioned. she is also in a support group oof five others also undergoing ect. the sideeffects of this treatment are temporary and have no HUGE impact on everyday liofe. the purpose of this treatment is to help people get on with there everyday lives not impair them.
you are 39 and should be more aware of how easily influenced those around you in similar circumstances can be.
you are a complete and utter disgrace.
I don't know if you'll see this, Anonymous, but I would be interested in the "research" you and your friend are doing. At 19, I don't suppose you have PhDs or MDs and are not sponsored by an agency or institution. How have you been doing your research? 19 is so young to be going through ECT; in fact, it is safe to say that virtually none of the research that exists has been done on teenagers. Your friend's operating on faith, not science.
(Check the book ECT and Minors by Steve Baldwin to see what I mean.)
You can't really have been doing very thorough research, anonymous. And for a personal testament to the possible shattering side-effects of ECT, see Jonathan Cott's "On the sea of memory".
I started reading your blog a couple days ago. Just finished getting caught up today. I wish I had done this while I was going through treatments and after as well.
Your entries both brought me to tears and many times lifted my spirits. I'll have to re-read much of it (really bad memory!) to find those parts that encouraged me, and maybe print them out or copy them to WORD for future reference.
I had 15 Bilateral treatments back in 2003. I have had devastating, life changing effects from it. I really don't know whether I will ever work again. Certainly not in the vocation I'd had for almost 30 years.
I'm so happy to hear that yours is going good overall. It sounds like you are going to be one of the "success" stories.
Please keep writing. In fact, in my opinion, this is book material. I know it's been done before but you really have been exceptional in your descriptives and so accurate in what it "feels like" to be severely depressed and the confusion/memory issues post treatment.
Keep up the good work, keep up the fight. We're all pulling for you. And.....DO NOT take anything to heart the first commenter said this day. How dare they belittle or dismiss your experiences.
Your doctor told you two contradictory things. One, you have a brain injury; two, you will be back to normal within one year.
With brain injury, you are not back to normal; one year is when you have healed as much as you can. After that, it's rehab and gradually adjusting to disability.
You have only your doctor's word that you will be back to normal. Did you look to see if there's any research following ECT patients longterm, assessing cognition? There isn't. Did you look to see if there's any research showing ECT patients get back to normal? There isn't. Did you check with organizations of ECT patients to see how many get back to normal? No.
Your posts are very good descriptions of the way I am, 20 years later. If you do not get back to normal, if this is your level of functioning, if you doc misled you, will you still be satisfied with your bargain?
Mike, please...post something or email.
I'll do this in addition to posting a new post today. If you are easily offended, please skip this part. This comes from my natural personality. If you knew me, you would know that to be true. Anonymous: Fuck you AND the horse you rode in on. How dare YOU tell ME what I can and can't write, think, feel or say. If you don't like it, don't read it. Otherwise, shut up. I'm giving as accurate and effective of a description of what I am going through as I possibly can. I haven't written any fiction since I started this blog, and I sure as HELL won't edit it for your or anyone else's sake. How, tell me, can honesty and my very best effort at accuract be a disgrace. Grow up.
Grandma, I may have misspoke. My doctor, of whom I have the absolutely highest opinion (and I don't would say that about almost no one), said that it would be about a year before I was "at full speed." She did not say "normal", and I don't expect that she would make that guarantee about anything. ECT does different things to different people. Some good, some bad. In answer to your question, about still being satisfied with my bargain, my answer is "yes". If my current condition is the most that I get out of ECT, and thsi is my highest level of function ever again, I'm satisfied with that. Compared to where I was before my first treatment, I am in heaven (and I don't even believe in heaven.)
SallyT: Thanks for your comment. I love to hear from people who find the blog useful. It often brings me to tears and/or makes me smile within the same few minutes as well.
Your mention of this being book material is interesting. You aren't the first to make that suggestion. If I knew of a way to make that happen without having to write the book myself, I would be interested. I've written a book before whcih I never got published (serial killer fiction), and I can't see chasing publishers again.
Anon - you're probably younger than even your 19 years allow for. Someday you'll realize how stupid what you wrote is.
Mike - I have told you over and over that this is a future book for you. I am glad to hear someone else say it. DO IT!
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