Perspective

Been a few days since I’ve written, sorry. I’ve been busy applying for government jobs. What a pain in the ass! Lots of paper. For those who comment to this blog and ask questions/would like a response, remember to give me an e-mail address, or just write to ectjourney@yahoo.com instead.

I had a great experience the other evening. A friend of mine, a friend who has been there for me several times over the depression days when I really needed someone to be physically with me to keep me “safe”, called me the other evening. He has been having his own problems with depression, and needed to talk. He was pretty down, and feeling like he might do something reckless. We talked for quite a while. He said he was feeling “like a failure”, and thinking that “he could fix everything and stop feeling like this by just checking out”, ending his life in favor of the $1 million insurance policy he has. His wife and son would be set, and he would be out of pain. Wow, was he ringing a familiar bell. Those are the things that haunt me as depression sets in for me, too. I think those are the hallmark ghosts of the disorder for most people.

We talked about those things for a while, and I let him know, unequivocally, “the only thing you’ve failed at is getting a handle on this mood problem. Otherwise, you need to take another look at all the accomplishments you have, and all that you have in your life.” But while we were having this discussion, I realized, for the first time, that those ghosts, those things that have haunted my mind for as long as I can remember, that I’m a failure and that everyone would be better off if I was just gone, they are all gone. I haven’t thought those things in weeks, and they just sort of disappeared without saying “goodbye.” For the first time in years, I’m NOT miserable and trying to find a way to avoid my life.

Now, that said, I DO have these feelings, that come and go, of being lost, of not knowing how or where to begin this “new life” that I’ve started. How do I start this new career? What if I can’t provide for my family? I know all of these things are just self-doubt, and all of them will work themselves out with just a little diligence on my part (and diligently is the only way I know how to proceed with anything.)

I’ve also noticed that there are certain places and activities which are bad for me. They, in and of themselves, bring back these really dark feelings. In example, I have volunteered for a short while at an animal shelter. When I was really ill, it was the highlight of my week. I only work on Saturday afternoons, but I would look forward to it all week. The time with the homeless dogs, just doing “something” worthwhile, was so fulfilling. After my “last” treatment (before my “relapse” and restart of treatment), I went for an afternoon at the shelter. It was there that I had the relapse. That day, before I went, I noticed that I wasn’t feeling good. I could feel this darkness creeping up on me. While I was at the shelter, I completely came apart. I really didn’t make the connection for a while. I restarted treatment and started feeling better again. Then, last weekend, I was going to go back, and Saturday morning, I noticed that I was feeling really down again. I struggled with it all morning. About noon, I decided that I wasn’t going to the shelter and, as soon as I made that decision, I started feeling better. And those dark feelings haven’t been back. But if I think of going to the shelter, I can feel it. The same thing happens if I think about going back to work in the mortgage business. I can think about going to work, just not at my “current” job (which I haven’t been to since November) or working with mortgages.

So, I find that I’m spending time about every day just keeping my mood in perspective. Its easy to get used to feeling better and forgetting how it felt to be really depressed and critically ill. Its easy to bury those old feelings and forget because its was so forgettable, so much something I just don’t want to remember. But I have to make myself remember how it felt, just for perspective or something to compare with how I feel now. I think that the comparison and keeping the mood difference in mind is imperative to continuing to feel better.