Another day, recovering from yesterday...
I might have doubted it yesterday, given the way things went, but the sun DID come up today. It was another day. I had planned to go snowboarding today, while the family was away. I made myself go, despite the fact that after yesterday, I really didn't want to. But I knew that a day at home would be about the worst thing I could give myself.
I actually had a great day, although my mood, my head, weren't all that great. Its hard to not have a pretty good day standing on my snowboard with 4 or 5 inches of new snow on a sunny, warm day and at a ski area which was pretty close to empty. The longest lift line I stood in today was one person long, and that was only once or twice. I rode from 9:45 to 2:15, skipped lunch, and then called it quits. That was about 2 runs too many. I got in a lot of runs, and the last two were just down-right dangerous.
I did my best to keep my mind off of yesterday and the grand melt-down. It was a pretty successful attempt, overall. Strange, but I have found lately that I notice things in my environment that I think I would have missed before, and which have some weird connection to my current "condition" (whatever that may be at the time.) Today, one such thing was a license plate on a car that passed me. It read "NVR2L8." I hope that's true.
I actually had a great day, although my mood, my head, weren't all that great. Its hard to not have a pretty good day standing on my snowboard with 4 or 5 inches of new snow on a sunny, warm day and at a ski area which was pretty close to empty. The longest lift line I stood in today was one person long, and that was only once or twice. I rode from 9:45 to 2:15, skipped lunch, and then called it quits. That was about 2 runs too many. I got in a lot of runs, and the last two were just down-right dangerous.
I did my best to keep my mind off of yesterday and the grand melt-down. It was a pretty successful attempt, overall. Strange, but I have found lately that I notice things in my environment that I think I would have missed before, and which have some weird connection to my current "condition" (whatever that may be at the time.) Today, one such thing was a license plate on a car that passed me. It read "NVR2L8." I hope that's true.
posted by DeMental at 4:04 PM
5 Comments:
Hi there. I am Erica and I am pursuing a masters in Clinical Psych to be a Marriage/Family Therapist and I ran across your blog and plan to read through your arcives and keep up on it. Do you mind? I am interested by it.
Archives that is...sorry..error on my part.
Mike,
One of the horrors of mental illness is the not knowing from one day to the next where your mind will take you. One day you can be focused enough to overcome intrusive thoughts, the next they take hold and you can't seem to let go.
On my "good" days I am able to recognize that I will most likely have more "good" days. That the bad or obsessive thoughts I have on "bad" days will pass. What seems near impossible is to remember that and focus on that when I am in the midst of one of my "bad" days.
Just an observation from this one person is that overall you are doing better. You seem to have more positive days with positive thoughts than not.
Hang in there.
Mike-
You didn't "let" anything happen while you were sick - the house, the yard, etc. - depression took hold of you and you've had to struggle and fight to overcome it. And you are doing a great job! Sure, things look like a mess now, but now you are also able to recognize what is wrong, what needs to be done, and start working on it. Just in the way you've had to find yourself again, and put yourself back together. These other things you couldn't see and couldn't work on during the last few years, they will start to come together - you're already seeing things differently - you're recognizing what needs to be done (baseboards, painting, etc) and you're working on these projects now. It is hard not to feel guilty about how you've affected your family and your home and other things around you, but now that you are better and making so much progress, you are completely capable of making up for that and getting those things done now. Your wife must already be very proud of you and how strong you are. You will only continue to make her and your family proud by moving forward. And coming from a 'guilt' depression person - don't let guilt get its dirty hands on you. You are doing the best you can and that's all that matters.
I agree with sallyt in thinking that you are doing so much better. Your approach to your days seem to be so much clearer and focused on making them "good" days. Even when faced with the prospect of a bad day, I can see that you are challenging yourself mentally and finding a way to turn the day around. And I can see that you look towards the next day, wondering what it holds, that it could, can and possibly will be a better day. Just remember that no one has all "good" days. Keep it up Mike, I see so much progress. I am proud of you.
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