Let this be a lesson...
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Watch out for those potholes!
The lesson for the week is that every day won’t smell like roses. While I might be on a new road, it still has peaks and valleys.
As high as my mood was last week, as “great” as a few of those days felt, I have to keep myself in check. I have a mood disorder. Even after ECT treatments, I still have a mood disorder. As a wise man told me today “You didn’t get a vaccination against depression. Its just unreasonable to think that you are going to elevate to a higher mood and just remain there forever.” Fact: Everyone has days that are better than others. It may just be, even after aggressively treating my depression, that the difference between my good day and my bad days is greater than for most other people.
Maybe (duh!) I should heed the warning of my ECT Doc, my wife, my shrink, and at least one other friend: “Slow down. Don’t go so fast. Take your time getting better. Treat this like a closed head injury, and heal at a reasonable speed.” I have, and have always had, the problem of being in a hurry, needing to get as much accomplished in a given time period as possible, being as efficient as possible. Maybe Sunday, that total melt-down, was my mind’s way of reinforcing the very sound advice I have been given.
I realize today that I have a choice that I get to make. Its an important choice, and one that I made poorly in the last few days. I can either (a) compare the way things are now to the way things were 6 or 7 years ago (the “good ol’ days) before depression, or (b) compare the way things are now to the way things were a year ago (in one of the worst parts of my depression.) While it might be true that I would give anything to have again some of the circumstances that I had 6 or 7 years ago, I have to remember that I was very discontent even then, and that regardless of what comes in the future, those days are gone. I had the world at my feet, making more money than even I thought I was worth, working a prestigious job, but I wasn’t happy. There’s a lesson, and one that everyone learns at one time or another I think: Money does not equal Happy. There is actually very little correlation between net worth and happiness.
If I choose to compare today to a year ago, however, I “have” much less (considering financial situation, employment, etc.), but I really “have” much more in another sense: My mental health is really a hell of a lot stronger. The only intelligent approach is to look at what I have today, and make the most of it today. What’s lost is lost forever, and is of no value going forward. What I have today has whatever value I afford it, but it can just as easily become valueless is unappreciated.
I struggle often with the question of what life is really about. What is all of this for? Why does that guy driving the FedEx truck, for example, get out of bed every day and crawl into that truck and deliver boxes? Is it for the fun of driving the truck? The joy of dropping off boxes? Is it so that he can lay on the couch and watch football on the weekends? In the long run, where does it lead? What difference does it all make? To a logical mind, doesn’t it necessarily have to lead to a logical destination?
One little piece of that answer, I think, is that everything, absolutely everything, is a learning experience. Education happens every waking minute. Everything action or inaction one experiences has consequences, realized or unrealized. If you aren’t learning from every minute of life, then your life can never have much meaning.
The bigger answer to the “What’s life all about?” question, I’ve decided, comes from so many different sources or angles which I think get condensed into the term “values.” Life is about what is important to “you”, which is an answer that can and does shift as we experience life and learn and grow. One lesson I’ve learned is that hard work, determination, work ethic and strong values only have meaning if you enjoy the fruit from those efforts. I’ve made this little promise to myself. When I get back on top of things, back to practicing the profession (law) for which I was educated and back to earning a good living (and notice I didn’t say “if”, I said “when”), I’m going to make a point of enjoying the rewards of my efforts. I am fortunate to have a second chance at life. I’m going to ENJOY what I have, what I make, and make the most of it on a day-to-day basis because, now I realize, that it could all easily be gone tomorrow.
I saw a t-shirt yesterday, and its message caught my attention. It read “Losers quit when they get tired. Winners quit when they’ve won.” I’ve never been a “loser.” Six years (maybe more) of depression tried hard to make me a loser, a quitter, but it failed. It just made it a bit harder to win.
Watch out for those potholes!
The lesson for the week is that every day won’t smell like roses. While I might be on a new road, it still has peaks and valleys.
As high as my mood was last week, as “great” as a few of those days felt, I have to keep myself in check. I have a mood disorder. Even after ECT treatments, I still have a mood disorder. As a wise man told me today “You didn’t get a vaccination against depression. Its just unreasonable to think that you are going to elevate to a higher mood and just remain there forever.” Fact: Everyone has days that are better than others. It may just be, even after aggressively treating my depression, that the difference between my good day and my bad days is greater than for most other people.
Maybe (duh!) I should heed the warning of my ECT Doc, my wife, my shrink, and at least one other friend: “Slow down. Don’t go so fast. Take your time getting better. Treat this like a closed head injury, and heal at a reasonable speed.” I have, and have always had, the problem of being in a hurry, needing to get as much accomplished in a given time period as possible, being as efficient as possible. Maybe Sunday, that total melt-down, was my mind’s way of reinforcing the very sound advice I have been given.
I realize today that I have a choice that I get to make. Its an important choice, and one that I made poorly in the last few days. I can either (a) compare the way things are now to the way things were 6 or 7 years ago (the “good ol’ days) before depression, or (b) compare the way things are now to the way things were a year ago (in one of the worst parts of my depression.) While it might be true that I would give anything to have again some of the circumstances that I had 6 or 7 years ago, I have to remember that I was very discontent even then, and that regardless of what comes in the future, those days are gone. I had the world at my feet, making more money than even I thought I was worth, working a prestigious job, but I wasn’t happy. There’s a lesson, and one that everyone learns at one time or another I think: Money does not equal Happy. There is actually very little correlation between net worth and happiness.
If I choose to compare today to a year ago, however, I “have” much less (considering financial situation, employment, etc.), but I really “have” much more in another sense: My mental health is really a hell of a lot stronger. The only intelligent approach is to look at what I have today, and make the most of it today. What’s lost is lost forever, and is of no value going forward. What I have today has whatever value I afford it, but it can just as easily become valueless is unappreciated.
I struggle often with the question of what life is really about. What is all of this for? Why does that guy driving the FedEx truck, for example, get out of bed every day and crawl into that truck and deliver boxes? Is it for the fun of driving the truck? The joy of dropping off boxes? Is it so that he can lay on the couch and watch football on the weekends? In the long run, where does it lead? What difference does it all make? To a logical mind, doesn’t it necessarily have to lead to a logical destination?
One little piece of that answer, I think, is that everything, absolutely everything, is a learning experience. Education happens every waking minute. Everything action or inaction one experiences has consequences, realized or unrealized. If you aren’t learning from every minute of life, then your life can never have much meaning.
The bigger answer to the “What’s life all about?” question, I’ve decided, comes from so many different sources or angles which I think get condensed into the term “values.” Life is about what is important to “you”, which is an answer that can and does shift as we experience life and learn and grow. One lesson I’ve learned is that hard work, determination, work ethic and strong values only have meaning if you enjoy the fruit from those efforts. I’ve made this little promise to myself. When I get back on top of things, back to practicing the profession (law) for which I was educated and back to earning a good living (and notice I didn’t say “if”, I said “when”), I’m going to make a point of enjoying the rewards of my efforts. I am fortunate to have a second chance at life. I’m going to ENJOY what I have, what I make, and make the most of it on a day-to-day basis because, now I realize, that it could all easily be gone tomorrow.
I saw a t-shirt yesterday, and its message caught my attention. It read “Losers quit when they get tired. Winners quit when they’ve won.” I’ve never been a “loser.” Six years (maybe more) of depression tried hard to make me a loser, a quitter, but it failed. It just made it a bit harder to win.
posted by DeMental at 12:00 PM
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