A Revelation of Human Nature
Warning: This qualifies as a long blog entry and may have serious side effects such as boredom and drowsiness. Consult your physician before reading.
I think I stumbled onto something today. I think I know why Sunday was bad, and I think it was a direct result of Saturday. You see, I have this part of my nature, this character feature, and I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember, which requires me to push, push, push at whatever it is I’m doing. It might be work, or home projects, or training for marathons or endurance swims, but whatever my task, the standards I set for myself are always ridiculously high, and failing to reach them is just unacceptable. All or nothing: I either reach the goals I set for whatever it is I’m doing, of the whole day or project is a failure.
Then, there is the fact that I “need” to be busy at something all the time. Melissa asked me yesterday, “Do you think you could sit down, during the middle of the day, and watch a TV show?” And, as silly as this sounds, to me, that’s almost unthinkable. Unless I’m sick or something, leisure time is limited to an hour or so just before I go to bed. Every other minute of the day has to be productive in some way, and there is always room to squeeze one more thing into today’s list of things to get done.
Saturday, I was working on my baseboard project. I was working in the family room, which is where everyone sort of gathers in the evening to watch TV or whatever. I needed to pull all of the furniture away from the walls, of course, to get to the baseboards. I had to move the couch and the entertainment center (which holds the TV) and the recliner and everything else, and all of this furniture movement made the room unusable as we normally use it in the evening. So, of course, the family room had to be started and finished in one day. So, Saturday, I worked my ass off moving furniture, measuring all of the boards I needed to cut, measuring the cutting all of the pieces of baseboard, removing the old baseboards, installing the new ones, caulking the tops and corners, painting, and moving the furniture back. And, while I was at it, I noticed how dusty and a mess behind the entertainment center was. Normally, you can’t get back there to clean. The thing weighs probably 400 pounds and is just barely mobile at all (and for those of you that don’t know me, I’m a big fella.) Then, there are the cords from the TV, cable box, stereo, CD player, DVD player, etc. They were a tangled mess (an OCD nightmare.) So, I had to clean back there, and, using little black cable ties, I had to bundle all of the cords and make everything nice and tidy.
I didn’t start this “project” until about 11:00, no break for lunch, and Melissa had to make me quit at dinner time. Now, any reasonable person would have seen this as WAY TOO MUCH WORK for one person in one day. But Mike, not knowing how to limit what he could reasonably get done in one day, told himself that he had to squeeze it all in in one afternoon. I worked as hard and as fast as I could from 11:00 to 6:30. My family told me, Saturday night, that I had been pretty grumpy all day long, and that they had tried to give me my space (“stay out of the line of fire.”) I dismissed the comments as “how they viewed my “focus” on the project.” In retrospect, however, I’m sure they were right. I was stressed to the hilt and I’m sure I was grumpy isolated and short tempered. But the crazy part was, I was the only one applying the pressure which was causing the stress. It was my ridiculous standards that were causing the pressure. Now, I always push too hard, but not THIS hard. Saturday was exceptional. And I am trying, in accordance with my doc’s instructions, to take things slower, not go so fast, give your mind time to heal.
When I am depressed, I’ve noticed that I feel like I have to do more, work harder and longer in order to feel worthy. Or maybe its self-punishment, I don’t know. But now I’m the harder I push, the more anxiety I create which results in more depression, which results in me pushing harder to feed the depression. A circular, downward spiral.
Looking back, Sunday started with high anxiety and no concentration and just got worse. I am all but certain that the pressure and stress from the workload on Saturday (the stress that I created for myself) led to the mood shift Sunday.
I have noticed, for some time now, that I habitually overload my days with things to do. There are many days that I might start with a reasonable “to do” list, but as the day goes along and I accomplish things, I recognize other things that need to be done. Instead of putting them on the list for another day, I think “Well, I’m here now and if I don’t do this now, I might forget to do it later.” Or, “This has to be done too or finishing this other project will really have no meaning.” Its always this “all or nothing”, “black or white” either I get it all done, the list I started with plus whatever I have added during the course, or the part I do get done is meaningless.
So, now that I recognize this “problem”, I have to find a way to change what is basically part of my life-long nature. I know that it’s a habit that has to change in order to safeguard my mental wellness. The question is “How do I change it?” The plan, for now, is to be more careful in creating my “to do” list for the day. I have to be more realistic when deciding what “needs” to get done today, and what I “want” to get done today. The “need” items have to get done first, and the “want” items are optional. I also have to set a “quitting time”, at which I stop, even if I’m not done (get to a reasonable stopping point, and quit.) Its still going to be hard, maybe not possible, for me to call it quits early and lay on the couch and watch a baseball game, but I have to find a way to allow myself to work at a more reasonable pace, expect a more reasonable amount of work product, and remember that its ok to “knock-off” earlier, or even “early” by other people’s standards, and save some work for tomorrow.
I am open to suggestions on how to achieve the necessary character shift. I know what my work habits look like now, and I know what they need to look like. I just don’t know if I know how to get from here to there.
The good news, however, is that for the first time in a LONG time, I’m well enough to recognize the problem (or “a” problem) and have a reasonable shot at fixing it. It seems that I needed to get better in order to allow myself to make changes to get better? Ooooh, that’s too deep for now. I’ll have to give that some thought.
On the lighter side, my racquetball game is making a strong comeback. I think I mentioned earlier that, until about 5 or 6 years ago, there was a period in which I played 3-4 times a week (tournaments, leagues, pick-ups, whatever I could find.) I think I quit racquetball (it got more frustrating than it was fun…maybe I was expecting too much out of myself, not playing up to the level I expected of myself) about the time I began to quit “life”, and well before I recognized that my mind was going in a dangerous direction. At age 39, the “game” comes back slowly, and I’m too competitive to accept playing poorly (by my definition.) But its coming. At present, my backhand is smokin’ (I would rather hit backhand than forehand) and the serve is coming back. The bastards increased the official racquet length since I last played, by an inch. Longer racquet, more power. I don’t need more power. As I mentioned, I’m a big guy and I break strings and balls as it was. The power increase just closes the gap between my power and the “other guys”. And, I’ve started running again. Its been several years since I’ve run much, and I want to do a marathon in this, my 40th year.
Until later, my friends, remember to keep it between the lines
I think I stumbled onto something today. I think I know why Sunday was bad, and I think it was a direct result of Saturday. You see, I have this part of my nature, this character feature, and I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember, which requires me to push, push, push at whatever it is I’m doing. It might be work, or home projects, or training for marathons or endurance swims, but whatever my task, the standards I set for myself are always ridiculously high, and failing to reach them is just unacceptable. All or nothing: I either reach the goals I set for whatever it is I’m doing, of the whole day or project is a failure.
Then, there is the fact that I “need” to be busy at something all the time. Melissa asked me yesterday, “Do you think you could sit down, during the middle of the day, and watch a TV show?” And, as silly as this sounds, to me, that’s almost unthinkable. Unless I’m sick or something, leisure time is limited to an hour or so just before I go to bed. Every other minute of the day has to be productive in some way, and there is always room to squeeze one more thing into today’s list of things to get done.
Saturday, I was working on my baseboard project. I was working in the family room, which is where everyone sort of gathers in the evening to watch TV or whatever. I needed to pull all of the furniture away from the walls, of course, to get to the baseboards. I had to move the couch and the entertainment center (which holds the TV) and the recliner and everything else, and all of this furniture movement made the room unusable as we normally use it in the evening. So, of course, the family room had to be started and finished in one day. So, Saturday, I worked my ass off moving furniture, measuring all of the boards I needed to cut, measuring the cutting all of the pieces of baseboard, removing the old baseboards, installing the new ones, caulking the tops and corners, painting, and moving the furniture back. And, while I was at it, I noticed how dusty and a mess behind the entertainment center was. Normally, you can’t get back there to clean. The thing weighs probably 400 pounds and is just barely mobile at all (and for those of you that don’t know me, I’m a big fella.) Then, there are the cords from the TV, cable box, stereo, CD player, DVD player, etc. They were a tangled mess (an OCD nightmare.) So, I had to clean back there, and, using little black cable ties, I had to bundle all of the cords and make everything nice and tidy.
I didn’t start this “project” until about 11:00, no break for lunch, and Melissa had to make me quit at dinner time. Now, any reasonable person would have seen this as WAY TOO MUCH WORK for one person in one day. But Mike, not knowing how to limit what he could reasonably get done in one day, told himself that he had to squeeze it all in in one afternoon. I worked as hard and as fast as I could from 11:00 to 6:30. My family told me, Saturday night, that I had been pretty grumpy all day long, and that they had tried to give me my space (“stay out of the line of fire.”) I dismissed the comments as “how they viewed my “focus” on the project.” In retrospect, however, I’m sure they were right. I was stressed to the hilt and I’m sure I was grumpy isolated and short tempered. But the crazy part was, I was the only one applying the pressure which was causing the stress. It was my ridiculous standards that were causing the pressure. Now, I always push too hard, but not THIS hard. Saturday was exceptional. And I am trying, in accordance with my doc’s instructions, to take things slower, not go so fast, give your mind time to heal.
When I am depressed, I’ve noticed that I feel like I have to do more, work harder and longer in order to feel worthy. Or maybe its self-punishment, I don’t know. But now I’m the harder I push, the more anxiety I create which results in more depression, which results in me pushing harder to feed the depression. A circular, downward spiral.
Looking back, Sunday started with high anxiety and no concentration and just got worse. I am all but certain that the pressure and stress from the workload on Saturday (the stress that I created for myself) led to the mood shift Sunday.
I have noticed, for some time now, that I habitually overload my days with things to do. There are many days that I might start with a reasonable “to do” list, but as the day goes along and I accomplish things, I recognize other things that need to be done. Instead of putting them on the list for another day, I think “Well, I’m here now and if I don’t do this now, I might forget to do it later.” Or, “This has to be done too or finishing this other project will really have no meaning.” Its always this “all or nothing”, “black or white” either I get it all done, the list I started with plus whatever I have added during the course, or the part I do get done is meaningless.
So, now that I recognize this “problem”, I have to find a way to change what is basically part of my life-long nature. I know that it’s a habit that has to change in order to safeguard my mental wellness. The question is “How do I change it?” The plan, for now, is to be more careful in creating my “to do” list for the day. I have to be more realistic when deciding what “needs” to get done today, and what I “want” to get done today. The “need” items have to get done first, and the “want” items are optional. I also have to set a “quitting time”, at which I stop, even if I’m not done (get to a reasonable stopping point, and quit.) Its still going to be hard, maybe not possible, for me to call it quits early and lay on the couch and watch a baseball game, but I have to find a way to allow myself to work at a more reasonable pace, expect a more reasonable amount of work product, and remember that its ok to “knock-off” earlier, or even “early” by other people’s standards, and save some work for tomorrow.
I am open to suggestions on how to achieve the necessary character shift. I know what my work habits look like now, and I know what they need to look like. I just don’t know if I know how to get from here to there.
The good news, however, is that for the first time in a LONG time, I’m well enough to recognize the problem (or “a” problem) and have a reasonable shot at fixing it. It seems that I needed to get better in order to allow myself to make changes to get better? Ooooh, that’s too deep for now. I’ll have to give that some thought.
On the lighter side, my racquetball game is making a strong comeback. I think I mentioned earlier that, until about 5 or 6 years ago, there was a period in which I played 3-4 times a week (tournaments, leagues, pick-ups, whatever I could find.) I think I quit racquetball (it got more frustrating than it was fun…maybe I was expecting too much out of myself, not playing up to the level I expected of myself) about the time I began to quit “life”, and well before I recognized that my mind was going in a dangerous direction. At age 39, the “game” comes back slowly, and I’m too competitive to accept playing poorly (by my definition.) But its coming. At present, my backhand is smokin’ (I would rather hit backhand than forehand) and the serve is coming back. The bastards increased the official racquet length since I last played, by an inch. Longer racquet, more power. I don’t need more power. As I mentioned, I’m a big guy and I break strings and balls as it was. The power increase just closes the gap between my power and the “other guys”. And, I’ve started running again. Its been several years since I’ve run much, and I want to do a marathon in this, my 40th year.
Until later, my friends, remember to keep it between the lines
posted by DeMental at 6:00 PM
4 Comments:
The pressure you put on yourself actually reminds me of myself. My husband often asks if I can just SIT and do nothing too, to which I often respond that I cant until I have this, this or this done. But you know what? All those things will still be around to do tomorrow, no matter what I push to accomplish today, there will always be something to do the next day.
When I find myself at a point that I am pushing to get things done or trying to cram too many things in to one day, I just have to stop and have a "talk" with myself. I just stop whatever I am doing and tell myself to slow down. The world won’t come to an end if you don’t get every thing done in a day or the specific time restrictions you have placed on yourself.
I have to take about a 15-30 minute break from whatever it is that I am doing and wind down…sit down, get something to eat. I noticed that you said you didn’t eat. Then when I get back to whatever it was that I was doing, I feel that I am more calm and refreshed.
I know that might not be the advice you were looking for and it seems so "simple", but it works for me.
I laughed at your comment about the tangled cords being an OCD nightmare...it made me cringe to think about it! I am glad they are straight now.
"...TV, cable box, stereo, CD player, DVD player, etc."
That sounds like an awful lot of electrical equipment. Are you not worried about EMFs?
OK, anonymous, I have to admit that "EMFs" are outside of my field of knowledge. having enough to occupy my life at present, I'll have to add that to the "things to do" for a later date.
Kristy: It is that discipline of having the "talk" with myself that I am trying so hard to develop. At present, I just am not very good at it. But I am making a conscious effort to remind myself that most of the deadlines I am working under are set by me, and me alone. Which means that I can extend them if I need to. Thanks.
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