Still banging away...
Things are still going strong and well. ItÂs been a while since my last post, and I apologize for not being more diligent. Getting a house ready to go on the market is hard work. In general, things have been going very well. My mood has remained consistent and good. I caught myself, this week, beginning to creep back toward overloading my expectations in relation to the amount of work I can get done in a dayÂs time, and setting my standards too high. I find that I slowly, over time, raise the bar a little at a time and donÂt realize IÂm doing it. I was fortunate to catch myself pushing too hard before it had a chance to side-track me. The Risperdal seems to be a big help as well (it just sort of mellows me just enough to keep me from setting the bar too high, and allows me to have the flexibility to change my expectations mid-day when necessary.) So, what, three weeks now since the last zap? And things are holding steady. Day-by-day, baby, day-by-day.
There are readers (and commentators) to this blog who seem to operate on some invalid assumptions about my memory and the return of some short term memory and cognitive ability. With respect to short term memory, in general, I can remember more unique events and periods from my history much more than the more ordinary events and times. Even right before and during treatment, there are many things and events and times I remember, such as my brief hospital stay just prior to ECT, the 1st consult with my ECT doc, the consult with her colleague who gave the 2nd opinion, and very vividly the wild suicidal ideation and serious intent to end my life which was going on just before I began ECT. Those types of things have never faded from my memory. ItÂs the less unique events and times and periods that are missing. Conversations with my wife, trips to Target or the grocery store, that sort of thing. I am a very Âvisual person. I remember things, almost exclusively, in mental images (I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but it's the best way I have to explain how my memory has always worked. I have heard it referred to as one of many aspects of a "photographic" memory.) A great example is that I have no real memories, no mental images, from Thanksgiving or Christmas 2005. There are some very vague images, but nothing of any substance at all. We have a family Thanksgiving tradition which has been around since my kids were old enough to converse. We go around the table and each of us tells one thing about which we are thankful. Mine this year was being thankful to be able to spend Âone last Thanksgiving with my family. I have no recollection of making that statement whatsoever. If not for Melissa telling me that that is what I said, I would never believe that I said something like that in the presence of my kids. I would never, in good mental health, have made such a statement. Looking back on such a statement now, with a clearer head and a more reasonable state of mind, it mustterrifyingbly terriying and confusing to be 11 or 12 and hear your father give thanks for "one last" holiday with his family. One of the many things to make up to my kids now that the "good" me is here again. I have my fingers permenantly crossed, hoping that he stays and keeps that "other me" away.
With respect to the return of any of the memory that I lost during treatment, there seems to be an assumption that none of that will ever come back. I know that many patients lose big blocks of memory and it never comes back. I'm sure that every ECT patient loses some memory that never returns. I expect that to happen to me and, yeah, I wish that reality had been made clearer to me before ECT began. But, again, from where I was (I refer to it as a "very bad place"), it didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I was going to die if something drastic didn't change in my life. It was a funeral or ECT. It was just that simple. The drastic change took place, and it had side effects that were not really clearly explained to me before-hand. Neither did I go to any trouble, at all, to ask about these side effects before-hand, even knowing that there were some possible negative possibilities. It could have been that I was too ill to inquire, or that I simply was scared enough already, and didn't want to know. I don't know which it was.
Nonetheless, the assumption that none of the memory that I lost will return is inaccurate. There are things coming back that were gone. There was a time when I couldnÂt get from my house to the place where my son is treated for his illness. Its about 30 minutes from my home, and there was a time when I had no idea how to get there. Now, I can drive myself there. There was a time when I couldnÂt recall the names of any songs I might hear on the radio. I would know and be able to sing along with the lyrics, but recalling the song title or the artist was outside of my capability. Now, I can recall those things (some of them take me a few minutes to get, but most of them I can recall now.) There are several other examples of my short term memory and general recall abilities that I could name that, at a time in the not so distant past, were not within my range of mental abilities. So, some of it, maybe not all but some, does return. And I expect it to continue, to some extent, to return as the last treatment becomes more and more distant.
I noticed a couple of times this week feeling confused about certain pretty discreet things. Directions to places, peoples names, song titles and artists, etc. I have decided that the confusion that I have felt results from what IS returning and is related to the holes in those cognitive abilities that still exist. Seems a bit backwards, but after some extensive time thinking about things, IÂm pretty sure thatÂs whatÂs going on.
ThatÂs it for now. Big ÂMoving Sale tomorrow and Saturday. If you live close to me, please come buy some of our crap so we donÂt have to throw away perfectly good stuff (that we have no use for.) Later.
There are readers (and commentators) to this blog who seem to operate on some invalid assumptions about my memory and the return of some short term memory and cognitive ability. With respect to short term memory, in general, I can remember more unique events and periods from my history much more than the more ordinary events and times. Even right before and during treatment, there are many things and events and times I remember, such as my brief hospital stay just prior to ECT, the 1st consult with my ECT doc, the consult with her colleague who gave the 2nd opinion, and very vividly the wild suicidal ideation and serious intent to end my life which was going on just before I began ECT. Those types of things have never faded from my memory. ItÂs the less unique events and times and periods that are missing. Conversations with my wife, trips to Target or the grocery store, that sort of thing. I am a very Âvisual person. I remember things, almost exclusively, in mental images (I don't know if that makes sense to anyone, but it's the best way I have to explain how my memory has always worked. I have heard it referred to as one of many aspects of a "photographic" memory.) A great example is that I have no real memories, no mental images, from Thanksgiving or Christmas 2005. There are some very vague images, but nothing of any substance at all. We have a family Thanksgiving tradition which has been around since my kids were old enough to converse. We go around the table and each of us tells one thing about which we are thankful. Mine this year was being thankful to be able to spend Âone last Thanksgiving with my family. I have no recollection of making that statement whatsoever. If not for Melissa telling me that that is what I said, I would never believe that I said something like that in the presence of my kids. I would never, in good mental health, have made such a statement. Looking back on such a statement now, with a clearer head and a more reasonable state of mind, it mustterrifyingbly terriying and confusing to be 11 or 12 and hear your father give thanks for "one last" holiday with his family. One of the many things to make up to my kids now that the "good" me is here again. I have my fingers permenantly crossed, hoping that he stays and keeps that "other me" away.
With respect to the return of any of the memory that I lost during treatment, there seems to be an assumption that none of that will ever come back. I know that many patients lose big blocks of memory and it never comes back. I'm sure that every ECT patient loses some memory that never returns. I expect that to happen to me and, yeah, I wish that reality had been made clearer to me before ECT began. But, again, from where I was (I refer to it as a "very bad place"), it didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. I was going to die if something drastic didn't change in my life. It was a funeral or ECT. It was just that simple. The drastic change took place, and it had side effects that were not really clearly explained to me before-hand. Neither did I go to any trouble, at all, to ask about these side effects before-hand, even knowing that there were some possible negative possibilities. It could have been that I was too ill to inquire, or that I simply was scared enough already, and didn't want to know. I don't know which it was.
Nonetheless, the assumption that none of the memory that I lost will return is inaccurate. There are things coming back that were gone. There was a time when I couldnÂt get from my house to the place where my son is treated for his illness. Its about 30 minutes from my home, and there was a time when I had no idea how to get there. Now, I can drive myself there. There was a time when I couldnÂt recall the names of any songs I might hear on the radio. I would know and be able to sing along with the lyrics, but recalling the song title or the artist was outside of my capability. Now, I can recall those things (some of them take me a few minutes to get, but most of them I can recall now.) There are several other examples of my short term memory and general recall abilities that I could name that, at a time in the not so distant past, were not within my range of mental abilities. So, some of it, maybe not all but some, does return. And I expect it to continue, to some extent, to return as the last treatment becomes more and more distant.
I noticed a couple of times this week feeling confused about certain pretty discreet things. Directions to places, peoples names, song titles and artists, etc. I have decided that the confusion that I have felt results from what IS returning and is related to the holes in those cognitive abilities that still exist. Seems a bit backwards, but after some extensive time thinking about things, IÂm pretty sure thatÂs whatÂs going on.
ThatÂs it for now. Big ÂMoving Sale tomorrow and Saturday. If you live close to me, please come buy some of our crap so we donÂt have to throw away perfectly good stuff (that we have no use for.) Later.
posted by DeMental at 9:50 PM
3 Comments:
Mike,
From all the accounts from ECT survivors I've read, memory return is a very diverse thing. I'm sure there are many factors that cause this phenomenon, probably factors regarding how well they remembered things before ECT. And then there's the ECT - what voltage level was used, length of pulse, length of seizure, quantity of treatments, type of ECT, stuff like that.
If I've learned nothing else after talking with so many ECT survivors, it's that there seems to be no constant. It's just a bit different for everyone.
It's really nice to hear a good outcome. You're doing so well. I hope you'll keep blogging after you move.
Hey, I am having a sale Saturday too...wanna trade junk? lol And we arent even moving!
You are doing the right thing now by asking your wife (and anybody else who will listen) to tell you what happened to you in your life over the past, say, two years at least. Otherwise you will never know what you don't know, and you will think that you are whole.
You mentioned losing memory of mortgage information. How long ago did you learn that knowledge? If you have forgotten that, it is extremely likely that you have forgotten other things from that time period. Memory is stored in time order, it's not put into categories like in a library. If that was, say, four years ago, play a little game with your wife and ask her to start a conversation about other things she remembers from four years ago. Chances are the more she talks the more you will realize is missing. Unfortunately she cannot tell you about things you experienced and learned that she was not privy to.
Also be aware that recognition and recall are two different types of memory, and be conscious of the difference between remembering and relearning. Did you actually remember from past experience how to get to the place, or did you relearn it? Perhaps you simply relearned. If you think you remembered, likely the memory was triggered by visual cues---recognition memory. Like somebody says, "We went to the state fair in 1985," and although you would never have said you went to the fair, when they say it you suddenly are able to reconstruct that experience. That kind of thing happens all the time to everybody, and it is called recognition memory. It is much less effortful than digging something out of your memory banks on your own with no cues. Similarly, though you might not have been able to state how to get to the place, or to make a map of it, perhaps as you drove along and saw a yellow house you suddenly thought, Oh yeah, it's a right turn at the yellow house. You didn't know until you saw it that there was a yellow house or what you should do there, but seeing it triggered that awareness.
Hope this is helpful.
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