Finding the holes...
Today, Saturday, is a special day. It is the day that divides the rest of the year and “summer.” Today, the pool in our neighborhood opened. As I’ve mentioned before, I was a swimmer and lifeguard growing up. I have always been a major “pool rat.” I still am. At every possible opportunity, I, with a select handful of neighbors and my family, am at the pool, narcissistically sunning myself and practicing my only religion: Sun Worshiping. Adoro el sol! Summer is my absolute favorite time of year, and it always has been.
Today, I also noticed some big holes in my memory, which I was unaware of before. Maybe they are things of which I just haven’t been prompted to think about previously, but there seemed to be an abundance of such things brought to my attention today, specifically.
First, I picked Maggie up from a birthday party today and saw the father of the little girls whose birthday it was. I had met him several years ago when Maggie and the girl played soccer together. I remembered his face, his name, etc (even though he didn’t remember me.) There was another dad there, and I remembered his face, and I knew that I should know him, but couldn’t for the life of me remember why or who he was. Apparently, I had dropped Maggie off at a party at their home not long ago, and this guy stopped by at our garage sale and I spoke to him at length about our move.
Then, I was at Starbucks reading today, and this young guy came in carrying a book. I knew I should know him because I recognized his face. But there are so many faces I recognize at Starbucks because I’m there, at the same one, a lot and I see a lot of the same people. But most are people that I have never talked to. This guy, however, seemed more dominant in my memory than most. When he came over and said “Hey, Mike, how are you doing?”, I knew I was in trouble. We chatted for several minutes. This guy, I want to say his name is “Dan”, knew things about me (like my name) like the books I read, that I am a lawyer, that I run and swim. We talked about books, running, swimming, etc, all the while I was trying to put the pieces together (and too embarrassed, which is unusual, to admit that I didn’t know his name or remember anything about him other than I had spoken to him in the past and that he was a nice guy. I think I didn’t admit to my memory failure because I kept hoping it would come back to me.) I’m sure I met him around the time I started ECT, I think he was studying for or had just taken the Bar Exam, and I know that he does some running. Other than that, he and Adam look a lot alike.
Finally, as I have mentioned, 2 and 3 summers ago I personally organized and conducted an event at the end of summer called “Miles for Mic”. The event was a swim-a-thon benefiting The Children’s Hospital Psychiatric Services group, and named in honor of my son, Mic. The goal both years was to raise money by swimming as far as I (we) could. The first year, I raised funds and swam alone. The second year, I had 14 swimmers (including my daughter, Maggie) and we raised a total of a little over $8000. For this second year, we had t-shirts for the participants. They were ref shirts with an event logo and Children’s Hospital logo on the front. I was wearing my shirt today and realized that, even though I know that I designed the shirts myself, I have no recollection of doing so, what software I used to make the design, how we ordered the shirts, or anything else about them. Luckily, Melissa was there to fill in the hole for me. This hole in my memory is unique, being from a time nearly 2 years ago and not proximate at al to my ECT treatment, but during a very severe depression (remember, I swim when I’m depressed.)
Today, I also noticed some big holes in my memory, which I was unaware of before. Maybe they are things of which I just haven’t been prompted to think about previously, but there seemed to be an abundance of such things brought to my attention today, specifically.
First, I picked Maggie up from a birthday party today and saw the father of the little girls whose birthday it was. I had met him several years ago when Maggie and the girl played soccer together. I remembered his face, his name, etc (even though he didn’t remember me.) There was another dad there, and I remembered his face, and I knew that I should know him, but couldn’t for the life of me remember why or who he was. Apparently, I had dropped Maggie off at a party at their home not long ago, and this guy stopped by at our garage sale and I spoke to him at length about our move.
Then, I was at Starbucks reading today, and this young guy came in carrying a book. I knew I should know him because I recognized his face. But there are so many faces I recognize at Starbucks because I’m there, at the same one, a lot and I see a lot of the same people. But most are people that I have never talked to. This guy, however, seemed more dominant in my memory than most. When he came over and said “Hey, Mike, how are you doing?”, I knew I was in trouble. We chatted for several minutes. This guy, I want to say his name is “Dan”, knew things about me (like my name) like the books I read, that I am a lawyer, that I run and swim. We talked about books, running, swimming, etc, all the while I was trying to put the pieces together (and too embarrassed, which is unusual, to admit that I didn’t know his name or remember anything about him other than I had spoken to him in the past and that he was a nice guy. I think I didn’t admit to my memory failure because I kept hoping it would come back to me.) I’m sure I met him around the time I started ECT, I think he was studying for or had just taken the Bar Exam, and I know that he does some running. Other than that, he and Adam look a lot alike.
Finally, as I have mentioned, 2 and 3 summers ago I personally organized and conducted an event at the end of summer called “Miles for Mic”. The event was a swim-a-thon benefiting The Children’s Hospital Psychiatric Services group, and named in honor of my son, Mic. The goal both years was to raise money by swimming as far as I (we) could. The first year, I raised funds and swam alone. The second year, I had 14 swimmers (including my daughter, Maggie) and we raised a total of a little over $8000. For this second year, we had t-shirts for the participants. They were ref shirts with an event logo and Children’s Hospital logo on the front. I was wearing my shirt today and realized that, even though I know that I designed the shirts myself, I have no recollection of doing so, what software I used to make the design, how we ordered the shirts, or anything else about them. Luckily, Melissa was there to fill in the hole for me. This hole in my memory is unique, being from a time nearly 2 years ago and not proximate at al to my ECT treatment, but during a very severe depression (remember, I swim when I’m depressed.)
posted by DeMental at 8:06 PM
2 Comments:
Mike,
I recently finished reading an excellent book that explores memory in depth. It's called "On The Sea of Memory", written by Jonathan Cott. I highly recommend it. It recounts some of his own experiences with memory loss and has interviews with experts in a range of fields.
You're right on the mark with the statement about not being aware of a loss of memory about something until you are prompted.
I was just discussing with someone tonight the differences we felt we have experienced regarding memory problems both pre and post ECT.
Myself, I feel like my memory problems before were more along the lines of "vagueness" and "forgetfullness". If someone recounted something to me I could usually remember it and piece together an image in my mind.
Post ECT, however, I have amnesia. I cannot remember, I cannot piece together. I have no clue whatsoever what family and friends are talking about when they reminisce about events that I was there for. I have a few solid years missing and then I have many many gaps throughout going back to childhood.
I am still, three years after ECT, finding out about things I don't remember.
It's so sad to me that still, in 2006, each person has to discover this for him or herself as if it had never happened to anyone else. In fact, what you describe is classic, having happened to patients since ECT began. Try reading the article published in 1944 by M. Brody, in which he interviewed several women who've had ECT and they sounded just like you.
Because it is so old it is available only in medical libraries. But you can find similar articles and evidence from the 50s right up to today.
Post a Comment
<< Home