A Writing from the Past
I was going through some old Word files today, looking for the several Journals I have kept over the years. I intend to create another BLOG, linked to this one, with my past journals so that the "life" leading up the start of ECT can be seen. Toward that end, I have been gathering up the old journals.
I looking for those files, I can across some writings from the past. Some of them are as wacky as can be. Some are very disturbing. The one below I found very interesting in that my thoughts on most of the things in the writing haven't changed. The writing is from February 20, 2005.
Life Circles
"What comes around, goes around."
"You reap what you sow"
Yin & Yang
Karma
Night and Day
Winter and Summer
Life and death
Everywhere, life revolves in circles. Some small, some larger. But it all travels in circles. I remember when I was younger and I paid no mind to anyone but me. I was not exactly nice to some people. I might have made fun instead of understanding. I might have judged instead of helping. I laughed at people doing the best they could because they were less able than me. As I aged, I had life by the horns. I was a lawyer, well paid, discontent, wealthy for my age, two beautiful kids, youth, health, and a wife who loved me and was loyal to me. I was arrogant, cynical, sarcastic, deceitful at times, and judgmental. I was, at least in my own mind, bullet-proof, better. I was blind to life's little circles.
One day, my great lawyer job ended. No loss for me, I hated that job anyway. Today, I would give an arm to have those opportunities again. Those chances I then didnÂt appreciate. To be able to attack that kind of work with the confidence that it could not hurt me. When my job ended, we opened a business which later failed. All of our savings were gone...GONE. We were bankrupt. I previously had thought that people who filed bankruptcy were generally losers, deadbeats, irresponsible.
My son, we've learned, is severely mentally ill. Something, earlier, of which I had no knowledge and of which I would not have been kind or caring. Compassion has come, but at a great price.
I travel today watching my youth slip away, having aged greatly by my trials. I am desperately clinging to the last bastions of my youth. My own mental illness has manifested, bi-polar disorder. Those vary traits which guided me to my lofty perch were also, in fact, my demise. Pressure, stress, fast pace became anxiety, depression, mania and an intent to kill myself. Slowly, my disease has not only become present, it has become me and I have become it. My best friend's father, only 4 or 5 years prior, committed suicide. Dr. Elliot was a successful doctor, had a great house, more money than he could spend, and a great family. All I could do when Mark called me, looking for support, was wonder "what could he possibly have been so sad over? How could he kill himself?" I didn't understand. I was afraid to try to understand. I wasn't there for my friend. Now, having been there, having stood on the edge of the abyss trying desperately to decide what, in my belief system, was over that threshold, I now fully understand.
I know now that I may be on the path upon which I have traveled all along. The path, however, is going to places I did not foresee. Walk not on the path you wish to be on. Walk the path upon which you are. You cannot force your course. You can merely guide your travel along your destined path. I do not know to where my path may take me, or when that path might end. I know, however, that I now carry tools with me which will prepare me for the path ahead. Taoism teaches that struggles and trials are not to be avoided or resented, for it is these struggles that make us who we are.
The one aspect of my lofty life I have not lost, at least not yet, and the sole anchor through this long storm, the only person responsible for my being alive and able to write this piece, has been my wife, my traveling partner. And even she is traveling in circles of her own. When we met, married, had kids, she was dependent. Afraid of the city. Weak. Now, she could take on the world and not stop for lunch (literally). She is strong and creative. She is the advocate for our son, getting him the services he needs to make the most of his life. She is my advocate, getting me help or helping me when I am unable or unwilling to help myself. She certainly is no longer dependent or weak. She is independent and able. Strong and persistent. She has ridden this wild ride from top to bottom with me, but has herself moved from bottom to top. She might not yet realize that her life is moving in circles which will take her places she is yet to go and places she might never expect to see. The difference for her, perhaps, is that where I was callus and judgmental, she was caring and helpful. Good brings good. Karma says that you are repaid in kind for what you give. You reap what you sow. Full circles. Always.
My only hope is that through my difficult learning I can help others in their travel of the same circles I have traveled. Maybe in doing so I can right some wrong. Maybe I can balance my Karma. Maybe I can give what I have taken. Maybe, if IÂm diligent, I can come full circle.
The Tao teaches that "If you've never done anything wrong, why worry about devils knocking at your door?" The poem accompanying this proverb talks to a Shaman and the meditation speaks of the fact that when the spirits possess the Shaman, they do not worry about appearing normal. Rather, they allow the spirits to guide them and control them. During times of deep depression, I do not seem or feel normal. I feel like someone else. Is it possible that at those times I, too, am possessed by spirits, but those spirits are negative spirits or demons which fill me? Could these be the demons resulting from wrongs I have done, or an incorrect approach to life? If so, can they be set right?
I looking for those files, I can across some writings from the past. Some of them are as wacky as can be. Some are very disturbing. The one below I found very interesting in that my thoughts on most of the things in the writing haven't changed. The writing is from February 20, 2005.
Life Circles
"What comes around, goes around."
"You reap what you sow"
Yin & Yang
Karma
Night and Day
Winter and Summer
Life and death
Everywhere, life revolves in circles. Some small, some larger. But it all travels in circles. I remember when I was younger and I paid no mind to anyone but me. I was not exactly nice to some people. I might have made fun instead of understanding. I might have judged instead of helping. I laughed at people doing the best they could because they were less able than me. As I aged, I had life by the horns. I was a lawyer, well paid, discontent, wealthy for my age, two beautiful kids, youth, health, and a wife who loved me and was loyal to me. I was arrogant, cynical, sarcastic, deceitful at times, and judgmental. I was, at least in my own mind, bullet-proof, better. I was blind to life's little circles.
One day, my great lawyer job ended. No loss for me, I hated that job anyway. Today, I would give an arm to have those opportunities again. Those chances I then didnÂt appreciate. To be able to attack that kind of work with the confidence that it could not hurt me. When my job ended, we opened a business which later failed. All of our savings were gone...GONE. We were bankrupt. I previously had thought that people who filed bankruptcy were generally losers, deadbeats, irresponsible.
My son, we've learned, is severely mentally ill. Something, earlier, of which I had no knowledge and of which I would not have been kind or caring. Compassion has come, but at a great price.
I travel today watching my youth slip away, having aged greatly by my trials. I am desperately clinging to the last bastions of my youth. My own mental illness has manifested, bi-polar disorder. Those vary traits which guided me to my lofty perch were also, in fact, my demise. Pressure, stress, fast pace became anxiety, depression, mania and an intent to kill myself. Slowly, my disease has not only become present, it has become me and I have become it. My best friend's father, only 4 or 5 years prior, committed suicide. Dr. Elliot was a successful doctor, had a great house, more money than he could spend, and a great family. All I could do when Mark called me, looking for support, was wonder "what could he possibly have been so sad over? How could he kill himself?" I didn't understand. I was afraid to try to understand. I wasn't there for my friend. Now, having been there, having stood on the edge of the abyss trying desperately to decide what, in my belief system, was over that threshold, I now fully understand.
I know now that I may be on the path upon which I have traveled all along. The path, however, is going to places I did not foresee. Walk not on the path you wish to be on. Walk the path upon which you are. You cannot force your course. You can merely guide your travel along your destined path. I do not know to where my path may take me, or when that path might end. I know, however, that I now carry tools with me which will prepare me for the path ahead. Taoism teaches that struggles and trials are not to be avoided or resented, for it is these struggles that make us who we are.
The one aspect of my lofty life I have not lost, at least not yet, and the sole anchor through this long storm, the only person responsible for my being alive and able to write this piece, has been my wife, my traveling partner. And even she is traveling in circles of her own. When we met, married, had kids, she was dependent. Afraid of the city. Weak. Now, she could take on the world and not stop for lunch (literally). She is strong and creative. She is the advocate for our son, getting him the services he needs to make the most of his life. She is my advocate, getting me help or helping me when I am unable or unwilling to help myself. She certainly is no longer dependent or weak. She is independent and able. Strong and persistent. She has ridden this wild ride from top to bottom with me, but has herself moved from bottom to top. She might not yet realize that her life is moving in circles which will take her places she is yet to go and places she might never expect to see. The difference for her, perhaps, is that where I was callus and judgmental, she was caring and helpful. Good brings good. Karma says that you are repaid in kind for what you give. You reap what you sow. Full circles. Always.
My only hope is that through my difficult learning I can help others in their travel of the same circles I have traveled. Maybe in doing so I can right some wrong. Maybe I can balance my Karma. Maybe I can give what I have taken. Maybe, if IÂm diligent, I can come full circle.
The Tao teaches that "If you've never done anything wrong, why worry about devils knocking at your door?" The poem accompanying this proverb talks to a Shaman and the meditation speaks of the fact that when the spirits possess the Shaman, they do not worry about appearing normal. Rather, they allow the spirits to guide them and control them. During times of deep depression, I do not seem or feel normal. I feel like someone else. Is it possible that at those times I, too, am possessed by spirits, but those spirits are negative spirits or demons which fill me? Could these be the demons resulting from wrongs I have done, or an incorrect approach to life? If so, can they be set right?
posted by DeMental at 4:18 PM
1 Comments:
...as soon as I think about balancing out my karma and such, I remember that I'm an a..h... and probably have a lot more of the bad coming. Overall its depressing.
Point is, I like your posts and your ability to stay motivated. It is inspiring...
Post a Comment
<< Home