Just when I think things can’t GET any worse…
I just keep thinking that we are at the "bottom" and that things have to start improving because they canÂt get any worse. I have decided that this is "life" teaching Mike a lesson. Things can ALWAYS get worse. The house isn't sold, that job in Arkansas that we thought Melissa had locked up didn't materialize, and we can't seem to catch a break in any way. Or can we? Am I looking at the glass half empty?
Today was the 2nd swim meet of the year. As I have mentioned, I have been tutoring a couple swimmers on the side, sort of private lessons. So, today, instead of just yelling for and coaching my own daughter, I had 4 kids to keep track of. Maggie swam like the champion she is, bettering her best times in 2 of 3 personal events (and it would have been all three except she had a bad turn in the 50 meter freestyle.) One of my prodigies, Mick (a 7 yr old boy) was fixated this week on improving his 25 meter freestyle time by a whopping 4 seconds so that he could beat this friend of his from school who swims for the team against whom we swam today. 4 seconds is an eternity in any swimming event, but something as short as 25 meters? Give me a break, please. I told him not to get his hopes up, to race against himself and his own times and not worry about the other kid, and all of those other "coach" lessons. When he dropped the 4 seconds, and some, and beat the other kid I was out of my mind ecstatic, like I'd done it myself. I was whooping and hollering like he was my own kid. When I found out that the kid he beat was the LEAGUE CHAMPION last year? You've got to be kidding me! I might have missed my calling as a swimming coach.
Today, we had the first showing of our house in 2 weeks. I also switched realtors today. Partly to get a realtor with a little deeper experience, partly so that my home, at the new lower price, would show up as a new listing again. I knew better than to do business with friends. I have never seen Melissa as emotionally upset as she has been the last few days. There is a lot of stress in general right now, but I think a lot of it was from the whole realtor-friend thing. Telling our friends that I was canceling my listing with them, but didnÂt want to lose their friendship, was damned hard. Melissa was an emotional wreck, so I stepped up and did the dirty work. 6 months ago, I couldn't have done it.
So, this lesson that "things can always be worse" is taunting me. I have convinced myself that until I can learn to stop looking at what is BAD in my life, and start looking at what I have that is GOOD, I am damned to keep getting the shit kicked out of me. I think life is like this invisible pendulum, an ebb and flow kind of thing. We had 9 really good, hell, even great, years out of law school. 12 years on the upswing, if you count law school too. The last 7 or 8 years have been on the downswing of life's pendulum. Until I stop expecting things to turn around, stop looking for "better" times to start, accept that things will, eventually, turn around, and learn to be happy with what I have and where I am, the downswing will probably continue.
But how am I supposed to be happy with a house that I can't sell and can't afford anymore, no income, a seriously ECT damaged memory and cognitive capacity, a severely mentally ill son and an increasingly sad, stressed-out and despondent wife? I guess I have to look at the fact that I have a great family that takes care of each other, feel lucky to have the greatest daughter in the world, fell lucky to have a mother-in-law that has been there for my family in time of need, learn to accept my son for who he is instead of who I wanted him to be, recognize what a great spouse I have and what a great home I live in, and figure out how to make the most of those pieces of this wacky puzzle we call life. Then, and only then I think, can things begin to improve. I'd better get to work.
Today was the 2nd swim meet of the year. As I have mentioned, I have been tutoring a couple swimmers on the side, sort of private lessons. So, today, instead of just yelling for and coaching my own daughter, I had 4 kids to keep track of. Maggie swam like the champion she is, bettering her best times in 2 of 3 personal events (and it would have been all three except she had a bad turn in the 50 meter freestyle.) One of my prodigies, Mick (a 7 yr old boy) was fixated this week on improving his 25 meter freestyle time by a whopping 4 seconds so that he could beat this friend of his from school who swims for the team against whom we swam today. 4 seconds is an eternity in any swimming event, but something as short as 25 meters? Give me a break, please. I told him not to get his hopes up, to race against himself and his own times and not worry about the other kid, and all of those other "coach" lessons. When he dropped the 4 seconds, and some, and beat the other kid I was out of my mind ecstatic, like I'd done it myself. I was whooping and hollering like he was my own kid. When I found out that the kid he beat was the LEAGUE CHAMPION last year? You've got to be kidding me! I might have missed my calling as a swimming coach.
Today, we had the first showing of our house in 2 weeks. I also switched realtors today. Partly to get a realtor with a little deeper experience, partly so that my home, at the new lower price, would show up as a new listing again. I knew better than to do business with friends. I have never seen Melissa as emotionally upset as she has been the last few days. There is a lot of stress in general right now, but I think a lot of it was from the whole realtor-friend thing. Telling our friends that I was canceling my listing with them, but didnÂt want to lose their friendship, was damned hard. Melissa was an emotional wreck, so I stepped up and did the dirty work. 6 months ago, I couldn't have done it.
So, this lesson that "things can always be worse" is taunting me. I have convinced myself that until I can learn to stop looking at what is BAD in my life, and start looking at what I have that is GOOD, I am damned to keep getting the shit kicked out of me. I think life is like this invisible pendulum, an ebb and flow kind of thing. We had 9 really good, hell, even great, years out of law school. 12 years on the upswing, if you count law school too. The last 7 or 8 years have been on the downswing of life's pendulum. Until I stop expecting things to turn around, stop looking for "better" times to start, accept that things will, eventually, turn around, and learn to be happy with what I have and where I am, the downswing will probably continue.
But how am I supposed to be happy with a house that I can't sell and can't afford anymore, no income, a seriously ECT damaged memory and cognitive capacity, a severely mentally ill son and an increasingly sad, stressed-out and despondent wife? I guess I have to look at the fact that I have a great family that takes care of each other, feel lucky to have the greatest daughter in the world, fell lucky to have a mother-in-law that has been there for my family in time of need, learn to accept my son for who he is instead of who I wanted him to be, recognize what a great spouse I have and what a great home I live in, and figure out how to make the most of those pieces of this wacky puzzle we call life. Then, and only then I think, can things begin to improve. I'd better get to work.
posted by DeMental at 4:41 PM
2 Comments:
Mikw,
Just wanted you to know I'm still reading and still thinking of you. I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time right now.
I know my own experiences have shownme that "things" always end up working out somehow. It's just MAKING it to that point that can often be hell.
Hang in there and cling to each other. You are a strong family and will survive this.
NOW you're admitting to severe memory and cognitive deficits? Are you still an "advocate for ECT"?
If so, all I can say is: how selfish and shortsighted. Because of ECT you can no longer work, but you hated your job, so it's OK. OK for you; but what about the people who loved and lived for their work and are disabled from working by ECT? Have you ever given a thought to them? If you "advocate" for ECT, are you careful to tell only people who hate their jobs to have it?
All of the problems you describe here are caused by your decision to have ECT, in a kind of cascade: you cannot work, so you have to move, which means you have to sell your house, your wife has to try to get another job and become sole breadwinner, your kids' lives have to be disrupted, etc. etc. And yet you still keep existing everything's OK because you weren't a nice person before and you apparently like the memory, personality, and cognitive changes.
I say you're still a selfish boor.
(That's putting it in a way you hopefully won't censor.)
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