Overwhelmed

I’m still figuring out how much memory and learning I have lost. I was working on some mortgage and financial stuff for the move and the new house. It became apparent to me just how little mortgage profession I still have in my head. Simple things, like how mortgage insurance applies to an FHA loan, what qualifying ratios are for conforming loans, that non FHA and non sub-prime loans are referred to as “conforming” loans, how long after a bankruptcy you had to go before a conforming loan would work, and which lines of credit I had to include in calculating my debt-to-income ratio. I know that I couldn’t pull a credit report or run an automated underwriter if I wanted to. Plain and simple, there’s no way I could go back to my old job, today, and know how to do it.

This evening, my mind feels like it is going a thousand directions at once, and none of them are productive. Today has been overwhelming. My day has consisted of falling down the stairs of our house (first thing this morning), then going on a bad run with Beau on which he was scared of traffic and tried to run over me a couple of times, running errands with my kids all morning, mowing the lawn, meeting with Melissa and Mic’s therapist to discuss a “plan” for Mic, Mic having issues while at the “skate park” with neighborhood kid (why I thought he could go someplace with someone and NOT have issues, I have no idea), teaching swimming lessons to a friend’s child (a highlight of the day), Melissa starting a new job that she hates, and finding out that Social Security Disability wants me to meet with their psychiatrist for evaluation. We are having NO activity on the sale of our house and our realtors are out of town on vacation. A friend of mine has told me that he doesn’t think he can get a mortgage done for us on a new house (although I know there is a way to get it done with the help of my mother-in-law if push comes to shove.) My long-term disability insurer has denied my claim on appeal, and I'm thinking about hiring an attorney to fight them. Melissa told me today that she doesn't think my memory is getting better, but that, if anything, its getting worse 9and I appreciate her honesty, but its hard to hear.) There is WAY too much tension in this house and in my head tonight, and I can feel my mind just shutting down in an effort to defend itself. I find myself sitting and staring at nothing. I feel like hiding away in the basement, isolating. I don’t like this feeling. It feels like the foreshadow of depression. THAT scares the hell out of me.