As quickly as Saturday’s bad mood came, it left. I wouldn’t say that I’ve been exuberant since Saturday, but certainly better than I was. Melissa and I had an interesting bit of conversation Monday. She is always the optimist. She is very good about lifting me up when things are bad and redirecting my focus onto the positives in my life. We were talking about Saturday and how my mood had plummeted from Friday and how quickly my fear about my illness worsening rises when things get a little bad. I made the comment “I don’t think I have another major fight with depression left in me.” What was interesting was her response, which didn’t occur to me until later. She said “I know you don’t.” In the past, that response would have been something like “Yes you do” or “We’ll get through it.” Maybe the stress of our present lives was just demanding too much of her for her to contest my statement. Maybe she sees that I don’t have another fight in me. She and I have talked, recently, about how it would make her very sad and it would be very hard for her if I wasn’t around anymore (aka if I suicided), but I think she has become comfortable with the notion that if that happens, there was nothing more that she could have done for me. I absolutely agree with her. I could never have asked for a more supportive and caring partner through all we've been through. I have no plans for ending my life. I have no intention of taking that step. But I guess her response, acknowledging that my capability to survive another serious depression is limited, is on some level comforting. It lets me know that, if the day ever comes when I just can’t take any more, Melissa knows better than to blame herself for anything, and she knows that she can be confident that she did absolutely everything that could have been done to help me.
Over the last few days, in looking back on all of the stressors in my recent life and the things that still cause stress today, I continue to realize how much I (my family and I) have been through recently. I know that those difficult things continue to cause stress and that they will for some time to come. I think the trend in my bad moods, the worsening of each dip in my mood over time, can be explained by the stress sustained. I think, as that stress fades into the past, the trend will turn around. I realized today that there is only one major, financial, stress in my life at present: I have a house to sell. That stressor is spawning several other financial concerns, but they all come back to “the house.” All of the other things that I would point to as negatives relate to life change. I know those things will improve with time and patience, as will “the house” stress. I know, in the state of mind that I am in today, that given time, things will improve. Its those periods when my mood drops and my perspective on everything shifts that I worry about.
Until next time…my mood is better and things are running smoothly.