The rise and fall of the tides
About the time I finished my last post, I realized that I have been being, potentially, dishonest with myself, my family and everyone else, too. I have refused to realize and denied the presence of a slow trend in my mood. I simply cannot stand the idea that I might be getting depressed again with a depression that isn’t superficial and short-lived and circumstantial. I can’t live with the idea that my real illness, the real mood swings and depressions, might be returning. Acknowledging that fact scares the shit out of me, and required me to put a burden on Melissa and my family that I just can’t do.
As I said in my last post, my mood is fairly stable. That’s the short, incomplete story. My mood is stable as long as I ignore several things in my life, isolate myself from Mic to a large degree, and stay very busy. Absent those practices, my mood fluctuates more.
I’ve noticed a more and more predominant depression creeping in each time my mood dips. The depression is like a tide coming and going. There are high tides and low. During high tide, depression is more evident and I have to work hard to get through the day and ride it out. That looks, to people around, me like a grumpy, bad mood. Until the last couple of days, I have allowed myself to write those high tides off to too much work, or too muych time with Mic, or the downswing to a more manic period, or to the overall stress level produced by the move. The truth, however, is that, looked at carefully, I’m not so sure my mood IS stable. And the depression is getting worse with each swing. Its like every high tide reaches a little farther up the beach than the previous. Each depression grows in intensity just a little. At first they were just bad moods. Then they became really bad moods during which I could fight off the thoughts of hopelessness and suicide if I tried really hard. I’m to a point, now, that these depressions are effecting my life, and they show through my attempts to hide them. When I’m in one of these depressions, I’m certain that its not situational, and that I’m getting sick again. When the depression lifts (usually not more than a day or two), I can more easily believe that the mood was “move” related. Its just so hard to tell.
Today, Saturday, I’m pretty down and I’m writing this post in that context. In the last few weeks, two people connected, distantly, to my life have committed suicide. One was the girlfriend of a co-worker, the other a pharmacist that worked with my mother-in-law. If honest with myself, I don’t look at those events in the same horror and tragedy as everyone else seems to. Somewhere, not quite on the surface yet but closer than it has been, is an envy or a realization of the peace that such an act might bring. I find my thoughts, with each period of depression, going more and more to suicide. Mostly to HOW I would do it, which is usually an early stage. When I get to thoughts of the ramifications for those I leave behind and rationalizing the act as “best for everyone around me”, that’s when I am dangerous to myself.
The times between depressions are good. Some days are a little on the manic side, and there have been those days since the end of ECT. The depression days were completely gone for a while. And they stayed gone through a long and very stressful period leading up to and through the physical move to Arkansas. I am coming to realize just how scared I am of depression’s return. I’m scared to death. I can’t DO another round of ECT. The first round did too much damage for the sake of lifting the depression for that to be an option. IF my mood is on a down trend that continues, I don’t know what I CAN do to combat my illness other than continue to avoid focusing on the negatives in my life, stay away from Mic to the extent possible, and stay busy. And I fear that those things will only forestall the inevitable return of the Beast. The fear of depression returning is that, now, I’ve tried everything to make it go away and stay away. I’ve used the weapons of mass destruction. If the enemy is still alive in me, I don’t HAVE any more weapons for battling it. I can run, and I can hide, but I fear that those are temporary remedies. I also fear letting Melissa know what’s going on. I’ve asked too much of her already, and she is carrying too much load for me to add another round of my illness to it. Between work, and Mic, and Maggie’s tough time settling into a new school, and missing her friends in Denver, and dealing with the idea that she has to be the bread-winner, Melissa is already carrying too much. I can’t, I won’t, add another round of my illness for her to deal with. And, from my own perspective, I can’t do another big battle with depression either. I just don’t think I have another big fight in me.
For now, I’ll keep remembering that I have just gone through, hell, am still going through, an interstate move, one of the hardest emotional things a person can face. I’ll keep remembering that much of my mood swings and depression is likely to be associated with the move and the many changes it has brought, and the incredible stress related to those changes. I’ll keep trying to focus on all of the positive things in my life and being thankful for those things. But, for the first time since early 2006, I’m scared. Scared that all of the anti-ECT people are right, that ECT, if it works, is temporary and its effects fade with time. Right now, I am living day to day watching for signs of the return of the Beast. If nothing more, I have bought myself a happy, albeit chaotic, 8 months with my family that I would have not had absent ECT. Somehow, knowing that death is always an option is a relief, and makes thoughts of suicide less pressing when things are at thier worst. I keep coming back to (1) that everyone is subject to downward mood swings, and (2) that I have just gone through one of the most emotionally difficult things a person can go through. I just need to give it time, and hang on to where I am.
As I said in my last post, my mood is fairly stable. That’s the short, incomplete story. My mood is stable as long as I ignore several things in my life, isolate myself from Mic to a large degree, and stay very busy. Absent those practices, my mood fluctuates more.
I’ve noticed a more and more predominant depression creeping in each time my mood dips. The depression is like a tide coming and going. There are high tides and low. During high tide, depression is more evident and I have to work hard to get through the day and ride it out. That looks, to people around, me like a grumpy, bad mood. Until the last couple of days, I have allowed myself to write those high tides off to too much work, or too muych time with Mic, or the downswing to a more manic period, or to the overall stress level produced by the move. The truth, however, is that, looked at carefully, I’m not so sure my mood IS stable. And the depression is getting worse with each swing. Its like every high tide reaches a little farther up the beach than the previous. Each depression grows in intensity just a little. At first they were just bad moods. Then they became really bad moods during which I could fight off the thoughts of hopelessness and suicide if I tried really hard. I’m to a point, now, that these depressions are effecting my life, and they show through my attempts to hide them. When I’m in one of these depressions, I’m certain that its not situational, and that I’m getting sick again. When the depression lifts (usually not more than a day or two), I can more easily believe that the mood was “move” related. Its just so hard to tell.
Today, Saturday, I’m pretty down and I’m writing this post in that context. In the last few weeks, two people connected, distantly, to my life have committed suicide. One was the girlfriend of a co-worker, the other a pharmacist that worked with my mother-in-law. If honest with myself, I don’t look at those events in the same horror and tragedy as everyone else seems to. Somewhere, not quite on the surface yet but closer than it has been, is an envy or a realization of the peace that such an act might bring. I find my thoughts, with each period of depression, going more and more to suicide. Mostly to HOW I would do it, which is usually an early stage. When I get to thoughts of the ramifications for those I leave behind and rationalizing the act as “best for everyone around me”, that’s when I am dangerous to myself.
The times between depressions are good. Some days are a little on the manic side, and there have been those days since the end of ECT. The depression days were completely gone for a while. And they stayed gone through a long and very stressful period leading up to and through the physical move to Arkansas. I am coming to realize just how scared I am of depression’s return. I’m scared to death. I can’t DO another round of ECT. The first round did too much damage for the sake of lifting the depression for that to be an option. IF my mood is on a down trend that continues, I don’t know what I CAN do to combat my illness other than continue to avoid focusing on the negatives in my life, stay away from Mic to the extent possible, and stay busy. And I fear that those things will only forestall the inevitable return of the Beast. The fear of depression returning is that, now, I’ve tried everything to make it go away and stay away. I’ve used the weapons of mass destruction. If the enemy is still alive in me, I don’t HAVE any more weapons for battling it. I can run, and I can hide, but I fear that those are temporary remedies. I also fear letting Melissa know what’s going on. I’ve asked too much of her already, and she is carrying too much load for me to add another round of my illness to it. Between work, and Mic, and Maggie’s tough time settling into a new school, and missing her friends in Denver, and dealing with the idea that she has to be the bread-winner, Melissa is already carrying too much. I can’t, I won’t, add another round of my illness for her to deal with. And, from my own perspective, I can’t do another big battle with depression either. I just don’t think I have another big fight in me.
For now, I’ll keep remembering that I have just gone through, hell, am still going through, an interstate move, one of the hardest emotional things a person can face. I’ll keep remembering that much of my mood swings and depression is likely to be associated with the move and the many changes it has brought, and the incredible stress related to those changes. I’ll keep trying to focus on all of the positive things in my life and being thankful for those things. But, for the first time since early 2006, I’m scared. Scared that all of the anti-ECT people are right, that ECT, if it works, is temporary and its effects fade with time. Right now, I am living day to day watching for signs of the return of the Beast. If nothing more, I have bought myself a happy, albeit chaotic, 8 months with my family that I would have not had absent ECT. Somehow, knowing that death is always an option is a relief, and makes thoughts of suicide less pressing when things are at thier worst. I keep coming back to (1) that everyone is subject to downward mood swings, and (2) that I have just gone through one of the most emotionally difficult things a person can go through. I just need to give it time, and hang on to where I am.
posted by DeMental at 5:00 PM
4 Comments:
Mike,
It's well acknowledged, even by the medical community, that ECT typically does NOT have lasting effects. I'm very sorry that you are having a rough time.
There are some other options for you though. Have you read up on VNS? Or TMS? Here's a link that discusses both: http://www.spectrum.ieee.org/print/3050
There's also www.truehope.com.
There are still options other than suicide. Are you currently on any psych drugs? If you are and they're not working for you, see about trying something different.
After 14 years of trying all the different drugs and combos and then ECT, my doctor and I have finally stumbled upon something that is working fairly well. I'm still not where I feel I should be but things are much better than they've been in a very long time.
Of course, after all these years of meds, I'm still looking over my shoulder waiting for the depression to hit me again. But....now that I have found something that is working I know that there might be something else out there should this combo stop working for me.
You have to keep that spark of hope going. I know it is what seems impossible at times. But I believe you're strong enough to do that.
My thoughts are with you.
Mike,
Just to let you know that you still have readers out here. I've been with you all the way, reading every post and looking forward to the next. I, like you, have huge swings from day to day, hour to hour and even minute to minute. It's hell to be so f***cked up.
I feel sorry for Maggie and Melissa. They are the troopers and, because of that, will survive anything, even you. That doesn't mean they aren't affected. They are just tougher than you or me. Different mold. Different character. Different outcome. That's how the human race survives, because of this type of person.
I struggle nearly every minute with "Am I more trouble than I'm worth?" The answer, which I'm sure you'll agree with, is "No, are you kidding?" Trouble is convincing your wife and daughter to agree with you. Ain't gonna happen.
You've got to make the decision to do the following:
1.Quit analyzing everything. Notice when you are busy you don't have time to think about how shitty your life has turned out? Don't give in to the "idleness factor".
2. Forget the days of big money, power and prestige in the lawyer world. The only one who is impressed by big powerful lawyers making big money with all that prestige are the lawyers themselves. The rest of society, and your family, could care less.
3. Accept that Mic should be institutionalized. What is the prognosis for him? Should the remaining 3 members of the family sacrifice their lives to put up with Mic's condition? Is there any way this can have a good outcome? Is Mic aware of what he is doing? Can Mic ever hope to function "normally" and independently in society? If not, then accept it. Mic may be better off and so will you. If this is not the case then YOU just have to accept it and quit analyzing it.
3. Think about the impact you are having on Maggie. She is a bright, resilient, extraordinary, young person and you should let her know it. Never fail to show her how much you admire and appreciate her. She is putting up with hell and she did nothing to deserve it. She will, no doubt, be an exceptional person throughout life. But she is building up the baggage cart on her shoulders every day she is exposed to this. Offer to carry it for her on occasion and do something special for her. She'll remember your actions from now on. Make the memories positive ones.
Melissa is just like my wife. What can you say? She's everything you wish you were. She does it naturally, doesn't have to think about it. You are angry at some times, jealous at all times, at how she pulls it off. She didn't read any books, she is just that way. Accept it and appreciate it. Let her know that and go out of your way to do so.
Regarding you, yourself, good luck. Personally, I blame myself for everything, even global warming. It makes things much easier. I'm sh*t, I don't deserve this. I especially don't deserve a great wife or son. How do I show this? By being a rotten, negative, verbally abusive SOB. Nice job. This adds more to the negative self-image, right. Funny how this negativity is both comforting and reinforcing at the same time.
Only way to overcome this is to quit devoting 24 hours a day to it. Accept your position in life as being 15 rungs lower than you had hoped for yourself. Your wife and daughter don't care if you are the President of the Free World. They just want you. You could work at the the Liquor Mart or Walmart or Lawmart. They don't care. They just want you to be happy. So they can be happy. It boils down to you placing your own interests before or after your family's interests.
I know it's tough. It's a constant struggle. All I want to do is quit, which I am extremely good at. If I can't be the best at something then I want to be the worst. I went from a semester of 4.0 to a 1.5 because I found out I could not be the best at something. Although 20 years behind me now, giving in to this juvenile idea of "all or nothing" was just the start. I found out that I liked it and fed off it. It made me feel good to be the worst. I've now made a career out of it. However, the tuition has been steep, paid mostly by my wife and, more recently, by my son.
Lately I've been surrendering more and more to the idea of "cashing it in". I've fought this battle (or primarily just let life beat me up) since I was 10 years old. That is now 40 years in January. A long time. The only reason I'm still here is my wife and son. "What would they do without me?" I know undoubtedly that they would do much better without me but I just can't put them through the short-term agony - yet...
Mike, do yourself and your family a huge favor. Give yourself a year's vacation. Have zero expectations of yourself or Mic. Just wake up every day, appreciate and show your appreciation for Melissa and Maggie. Do anything to stay busy. Forget about the money you made as a lawyer!!!! You probably could have made big money selling crack but would you feel good about yourself? Again, Melissa and Maggie could give 2 sh**ts about how much money you used to make. Every day should be, "how can I make Melissa and Maggie's life better today?" After that is done, "how can I get through this day without flailing myself raw?" should be answered.
I really think you should see a hypnotist and try to erase any memory of your past "lawyer life". Money is not everything and your legal past seems to be poisoning you.
Just my opinion.
Oh, by the way, have a great day.
I realise you did a LOT of reserach before pursuing your first course of ECT. But personally, I don't really believe the cost of the after effects (memory loss, the irreversible damage to the brain, etc) is worth that brief respite from depression. But that's just me.
I do hope you can hang in there, Mike. It's such a tough tough place to be. I'm glad that you do have some supports around you - Melissa? I'm just wondering if maybe you could benefit from therapy, just having someone to bounce your ideas and thoughts off of.
Take care
Thank you very much to Anonymous for your long and very sobering, yet comforting, comment. You hit several nails right on the head and, every once in a while, I need someone to remind me of several things you said. Its good to know that I still have readers, and that they can provide this kind of insight. I wish the best for you too. You don't give up either!
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