Just when it looks like all is lost...
Things are, well, pretty shitty. Mic is very ill, probably in connection with his lack of success at reintergrating into a public school setting. He's psychotic (the "clown people" are back, telling him to kill himself.) He's told me that he's tired of "being here" and that he wants to "go on up to heaven now." He's out of control, screaming, punching walls, throwing things, and telling us that he hates both of us and calling us names at least once a day. He told a therapist today pretty much all of this, but that he isn't a danger to himself, so they didn't hospitalize him (which is what needs to happen...Melissa and I disagree.) My mood directly correlates to his, thus, I'm not doing really well either. Add to that financial stress because our damned house won't sell and you have a pretty lovely picture.
I had an experience today unlike anything I can remember. I wasn't sad or crying or desperate...I just mentally shut down when I got home. I had dreaded being home with Mic all day. When I got home, I just checked out. I lost the ability to concentrate or think, I wandered around sitting in room after room and staring at the floor before moving to the front porch to avoid the ruckus that Mic was causing. I sat and stared at a clump of grass for nearly an hour. It was like I was just in a shell or elsewhere.
I'm worried about Mic. I'm worried about Melissa. I'm worried about Maggie. I'm worried about me. I'm worried about how I feel about Mic. I'm worried about how I will feel if Mic hurts himself. I'm worried about finances. I'm worried about insurance. Enough. There seems to be no part of my life that I'm happy with or which allows me to escape the drag of all of the worries.
That was last night. Today, after some phone calls to Social Security, I found out that I have been approved for Social Security Disability! That takes a big part of the financial stress off of things. We still have a house payment AND rent to pay, but the SSDI monthly payment isn't bad, and the "back-pay" to the date I became "disabled" according to SSDI is a nice chunk of reserve cash. Legend has it that good and bad things happen in sets of three. Mic was approved for medicaid last week, social security was approved today, and hopefully there is one more thing to come. Its amazing how having just a little of the dark clouds blow away makes the world seem a lot brighter.
Those people out there disabled by mental illness and those going through or who have been ECT, take heart. Getting SSDI without a lawyer and appeals and years of waiting CAN be done. Stay after it.