Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Sorry for my absence...

Sorry for the long absence. There hasn’t been much going on, so I haven’t posted in a while. In general, things are going fairly well. I have found a new therapist and am waiting to get into see a new psychiatrist, which takes a couple months. My mood shifts up and down but, since my SSDI got approved and some money concerns have improved, there haven’t been any real lows. It seems that the low periods (days or parts of days, nothing lasting much longer) have been “mixed state” events, arising mostly from either anxiety from more manic feelings or rebound from more manic days. I also have days which seem to have more mental clarity than others. Days on which the confusion and haze that I’ve had since ECT and maybe a little from the depression before is lifted and I feel more like my “pre-depression” self (that would best be explained as feeling self-assured, motivated and not feeling at a loss of all of my previous mental capacities.) Other days, most days, actually, aren’t as clear.

The house isn't sold, but we have a buyer seriously interested subject to being able to make an addition he wants to make. He's checking on that. I'm also working with an investor group and talking about selling "wholesale", which is a long story, but puts us out with about the same equity is we sold the conventional way. Without the house stress, I just wouldn't know what to DO with myself, I would be so stress-free.

I received my official notice from Pulte Mortgage that I was being terminated. Their policy provides for termination after 9 months of continuous disability absence.

I’ve started playing racquetball in a little dumpy club. Its not much, but its what is available. I might be the best player in the place, which I’m not used to. There are some serious “alpha-dog” things going on with a couple guys that play there, with a new and experienced player encroaching on their territory. I’m sure that will work itself out.

Things with Mic are tough. He seems to be gradually getting worse. That, along with getting bigger, poses a threat we aren’t used to…a physical violence threat. We are also at a tough place with him from a health care prospective. Mic has been on Medicaid every since I left my last job and began treatment because our household income has been low enough that he qualified. Now that my SSDI has been approved (it was approved on a bi-polar basis, for those that had asked previously), our household income is too high and he no longer qualifies. Melissa has insurance with her job which begins in November. According to Melissa, however, the provisions of that insurance state that it exempts, for the first 6 months, coverage for anything pre-existing. I think, if I remember my ERISA and COBRA rules correctly, that an insurance policy can’t carve out such pre-existing coverage as long as there has been “continuous coverage”. I need to check out the policy information and convince myself of this exemption, if it exists (I’m just that “show me” kind of guy.) So, with respect to Mic, we have Medicaid coverage until the end of October, and then, unless we buy Cobra coverage (still waiting on the COBRA package), he and I are without insurance until June 1, 2007. That’s a bit scary. Both of us will be covered under a Federal program referred to as Title 20 (about which I know very little, at present) which pays all of our expenses for treatment while “in crisis”, but nothing on an on-going or maintenance basis. The place Mic and I are receiving treatment now offers a “sliding payment scale”, which will help some.

My primary struggle at present is with Mic, and his effect 0on my mood and my ability to remain mentally healthy. I know that my mental health will never be safe as long as it is subject to Mic’s mental health. Melissa is so good with him very much of the time, and I aspire to be better in dealing with him. But no matter how hard I try, it seems that “accepting” who he is and what he means to our family and our way of living just isn’t something I can find a way to do. Maybe I never will. Maybe there will come a day when I just can’t balance maintaining my own mental health with the demands of dealing with his mental health issues (a day when staying mentally healthy myself requires removing myself from dealing with Mic on a day-today basis.) That day will bring some hard decisions for me, and I hope it never comes. For now, one day at a time.

'Til next time


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