Wednesday, November 01, 2006


As you can see, my postings are getting further apart. Not because things are necessarily going amazingly well, but simply because I seem to not have the time or the desire to write. There are lots of things going on. Let’s catch up.

First, I THINK we have our HOUSE SOLD. If the deal goes through (everybody cross your fingers) “I” actually sold it. My realtor had nothing to do with it. When I switched from my first realtor to my second, I got this letter in the mail. It was from an investor group telling me that they could buy my house and get me all of my equity. I think they target people who are coming out of listings, which I was (in the switch.) I threw away the letter. Daddy always told me “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.” A month or so ago, they sent me another letter. This time, having nothing to lose and no leads ion selling my house through “conventional” methods, I called them. Their transaction structure actually makes sense, gets me the same equity from my home that I would get selling through a realtor, and we will close next week. I checked them out, they are legitimate, so don’t worry. Anyway…a bright spot on the horizon. Could it be the sun rising after the long night?

I got rid of my Jeep Wrangler. After much debate and changing my mind about what I wanted, I decided that I needed something 4 door so I could get kids in and out of it, something that gave a nice quiet comfortable ride, something that got a little better gas mileage, that cost me no more than my Jeep (hopefully less), that had some warranty left, and that could carry a small amount of cargo, if necessary. I settled on an ’03 Hyundai Santa Fe. So far…love it.

I settled with my Long-Term Disability insurer. It wasn’t a huge settlement, but it was significant given where we are financially, and really, more than they would owe me under the policy, given SSDI, had we gone to trial.

My mood: Well, my mood has been stable relative to where it was a year ago, certainly. My mood is really pretty good. My acceptance of my “new life”, my new roles in our family, and the increasing realization of the changes in my capabilities following ECT are my real problem and a constant drag on my mood. Sometimes they win the day and bring me down. I really don’t like being a “stay at home dad.” Its just not what I was cut-out for. I would much rather be working full-time if, for no other reason, than to feel productive and useful. I realize, about daily now, that I couldn't work a real, full time job right now if I needed to (good thing that SSDI was approved.) My memory and concentration are horrible, and my mood wouldn’t remain stable if I had someplace to be and something the least bit stressful to do five days a week. So, I’m doing what I can to be happy (or at least survive without being miserable) in my new roles. It still feels a lot like ”getting through today so I can buck up and do it all again tomorrow.” But I guess it could be much worse. I could be convinced, pretty easily, that my hold on “normal” mood is slipping slowly and that I’m getting sick again. Melissa says that I’m just having normal up and down days and that I’m so afraid of getting sick again that I focus on it too much. Maybe. I hope she’s right. Time will tell.

Enough for now.


Blogger Tomas said...

Regarding your increasing realization of changes, Mike, that really is the truth. I was electroshocked a year and a third ago, and I discover new deficiencies and understand better the deficiencies I know some to this day, and expect no change for the foreseeable future. Thinking about it, it isn't really all that hard to understand. We've learnt to know our previous selves over decades, by trying and succeeding or failing, finding our limits. Learning to know our new selves reasonably is of a similar form. Of course, many of us, including me, didn't expect there would be any new self to discover, but the old self.

5:33 AM  

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